My Stepfather

Bubblesmom

He he is acute, instage. I don't know anymore because it's like pulling teeth to get his family to help my mother with their father's medical upkeep. Anyway, my stepdad usually is in a good way. But lately, he has been baggering my mother critizing her in home work ethic and saying that he's fine he's in good shape, but my mom needs to take the same congitive test he's taking to determine her problems. He is also extremely critical of her doctor saying she is a quack and doesn't know what she's doing because she's not orderiing the same test for my mom as he has. My mother is fully functioning, driving and his 24 hour caregiver. He also talks about her yelling in bed when I knows she's not because I'm visting and could hear if she was. He also can't understand that she is a sound sleeper (and exhausted from waiting on him hand and foot), I guess because he has trouble sleeping and insist there is something wrong with her "that she looks dead" when she's sleeping. What is hard for me is seeing him bagger and criticize her when she is doing so much. She has even started to take better care of herself by going to a psychiatrist to deal with her anxiety. A big step for an 87 year old woman if you ask me. 

Help me help her. Also help me not be so angry with the way he is treating her.

Have a blessed one!

dayn2nite2

Does your mother want to live the rest of her life like this?

Place him.  Anyone who has something to say can care for him in THEIR HOME.

abc123

This disease sucks. I know it’s the disease and not the person BUT I really don’t think I could or would tolerate that type of behavior from my LO. I feel terrible for your mother! How many children does HE have? Is it possible to arrange a visit for him with HIS kids? I’d tell them that MY mom needs a break, her doctor is demanding she have a 30 day respite or she will no longer be able to care for him, period. Send him away for 30 days. Maybe even start searching for facilities that would accommodate him. At 87, she really needs someone to stand up for her. Good luck to you both.

Cynbar

Sometimes we have to help our loved ones when they cannot help themselves. Your poor mother shouldn't be treated this way at 87 years old (or any age, for that matter.) Since your stepfather has dementia, reasoning with him will be useless, his brain isn't working right and it will just make him angrier. Does your mother have her legal affairs in order, durable power of attorney and health care power of attorney (known as health care proxy in some states)? Even if she does, and they name her husband, she should redo them since he can't make good decisions for her. I suggest you take her to an elder law attorney and have them redone, naming you as her agent. Then you need to make it clear to his family that they will be responsible for their father going forward, and you will be responsible for your mother. I would at that point take her out of there, and let his family worry about him. She may need some convincing, she's probably pretty enmeshed in this dynamic, but you could frame it as short term and then extend it. But part of your plan shouldn't be expecting him to change, he doesn't have it in him.

Quilting brings calm

Cynbar - as you know, your answer is very relevant to my situation too. Except the person being accosted is my mom, the person  with known dementia.  I have a question for you. Could you express how you think the finances would work if the married couple is separated in the  way you describe, with their family of origin  being responsible for one of them?

End-of-rope

Bubblesmom, I had issues with my stepfather's medical care as his children denied fervently that he had any health condition and didn't do anything to get a POA (medical and financial) from him because "he didn't want to sign it."  Not that they made any effort to get him to sign them.  My stepdad had a hip replacement and not wanting to follow the dr's instructions, he fell and broke his femur.  Every medical practitioner that saw him stated that he had dementia, but he is the kind of person that refuses adamantly to see a dr.  I had to deal with all this, without a POA, the best I could while working full time and dealing with my mom's aggression towards everybody escalating as time passed by.  At the time we didn't know she had Alz.  After she was diagnosed, and my stepdad's short memory problems worsened, I asked for help from his children.  I only got absolute silence. 

During the pandemic and with my mom's paranoia getting out of hand, it got to a point where I thought I would lose my mind.  Again, total silence from my stepdad's children.  At the verge of collapse (hence my screen name) I told my stepdad's daughter that she needed to come pick up her father because I was going to move my mom to MC and I wouldn't be able to take care of him anymore, and he was in no condition to live alone. Moreover, I had no legal right to do anything for him.  I won't talk about the backlash I received from her because at that point I couldn't care less.  I had been drowning for years and they never did anything to help.

I agree with Cynbar.  Most people will try to get out of the responsibility of caring with PWD.  The only thing left for you is to remove your mom from that situation for her own well-being, and let his family take care of him.

Quilting brings calm

End of rope -  since you recently did the ‘send  the stepfather to his family ‘ thing, can you answer my question I asked Cynbar in an above comment?

How did you handle the money? 

I am medical power of attorney for both step dad and mom, full power of attorney for mom. Dad won’t give me full POA.   Mom has dementia,  dad supposedly doesn’t( I think he does).  They’ve been in assisted living after a medical crisis late fall 2019.  Dad has cancer ( slow growing, no treatment needed right now), and COPD. He continues to cause havoc because that’s who he is. Mom continues to get worse and there’s going to be a time she has to move on. That time will come very soon if Dad leaves as he threatens to do since a) he thinks he’s healthy and can take care of himself and b) he can’t handle mom even while living at an ASL, and c) she can’t mentally and emotionally deal with being in an ASL apartment without him. 

His children have recently shown up after decades of silence  - I’d love to tell him to just leave, but he moved part of the money out of one of their two joint accounts and I heard him talking to the bank about moving his automatic  deposits too.  The money mom has access to won’t last for more than a few months at an ASL. 

So how did the money work after you moved mom? 

End-of-rope

Quilting brings calm, please read my previous message in this same post so you have a better idea of my mom's and step-dad's situation.  Regarding finances, that's a very good question.  Theirs was an old-age marriage, and mostly kept their finances separate.  My mom had stopped opening her mail several years earlier, so I had taken over all legal, financial, and medical issues on her behalf as I have POA from her and I'm her Health Care surrogate.

When I started making arrangements for my mom's move to a MC facility and told my stepdad's daughter to come for him, it was decided that their house would be sold and the money split 50/50 to help pay for their long-term care expenses.  My stepdad's family took whatever they wanted from the house with him and left the rest for me to deal with.  I just kept a few things meaningful to my mom and gave the rest away.  We are under the understanding that each one of them is responsible for their own expenses, and so far so good.

My mom will run out of money before my stepdad does.  Frankly, I'm not expecting him to help at all with my mom's long-term expenses, and if she runs out of money I won't be able to help her financially.  I work full-time because I need to; it's not a choice.  There's always Medicaid if she runs out of money, but there's a hindrance:  she's still married.

My plan was to consult an elder care law attorney about the situation.  I don't believe either one of them would want to get divorced because of financial reasons, but none of them is in a condition to make a decision.  My stepdad's health seems to be deteriorating rapidly, so I've decided to wait and cross the bridge when I get there, if I ever need to.

If your mom and stepdad had their finances and assets commingled, the best thing you can do it to consult an elder care attorney.

Stuck in the middle

Quilting, I think you need to take your POA to a lawyer and find out what your mother's rights are in the State in which they now reside.  Your SF sounds like a man who will refuse to support his wife once she is out of his home unless he is forced to do so.

They don't have to divorce to qualify for Medicaid.  Please see an attorney in your State.

Quilting brings calm

End of rope and stuck: thanks for the answers.  Basically we are at  the point that either of them could qualify for long term care Medicaid.  Their total bank accounts are under the $109,000 cap for a community spouse. They have no investments. They sold their house several years ago, and that money has been in a checking account. Expenditures from that and their other bank accounts are easily tracked and valid. No large gifts to anyone. Two vehicles. I’m only worried about the time before she would be able to be placed in a nursing home since anything less is private pay here.

End-of-rope

I agree that under normal conditions you don't need to be divorced to be eligible for Medicaid, but that's not my mom's case.  My step-dad was always very secretive about his finances and never shared any information with my mom.  Moreover, he would go alone to prepare their joint tax return and only bring my mom to sign without letting her check on the return. I can't understand why she ever allowed this to happen. We know that he had some investments and a pension on top of his social security because he tried to apply for veterans assistance and when explained the requirements he said he wouldn't be eligible because of his income.

I'm sure he wouldn't be willing to assist my mom with her long-term care expenses if she runs out of money.  Much less his children (someone must have gotten POA or guardianship.) If you are married, Medicaid takes into account the income of both spouses, so my mom would be disqualified.  When the times approaches, I will need to consult with an elder care attorney.

M1

End of rope, just a comment:  probably makes sense to do that legal consult sooner rather than later.  If you wait until she needs Medicaid, things could get really complicated by the sound of it.  If you do it now, at least you'll know what to plan for.

End-of-rope

M1, Thank you for the advice. It's very wise. I know I've been putting it off.  Because of the pandemic, the emotional upheaval, my mom's overwhelming care needs (in the last 8 months she's been admitted to the hospital and the subsequent rehab facilities 3 times already), having to deal with selling her house and emptying it, the move to MC, my work schedule, etc.  And recently finding out that my step-dad's health is declining. There's always an excuse to delay dealing with something that you find really disagreeable.  But you are correct:  I need to take care of this, the sooner the better.  Thank you for making me see what I was avoiding.

abc123

Hi Bubblesmom, I'm thinking about you tonight and wanted to check in to see how you are doing. I sincerely hope things are going better for your mom and you too! Take care and hang in there! Sending you peace and good wishes.