When they want to go home question

COred

We were able to move our LO close to us.  It was tough getting her here (1500 miles) and we weren’t able to move much of her stuff because she kept getting furious when we would try to pack her things but she’s here. We have moved her, FIL and SIL into a house next to ours.

Now that she’s here she goes between being mad that we didn’t tell her she was staying so long (we did) so she didn’t know she needed to bring her dishes, silverware, more clothes, etc. and being mad that we forced her to come here and that she is going home.  Multiple times a day she starts yelling at us because no one will help get her car started so she can drive back home. Asking me everyday to help her get a new battery, insisting she can drive back (even though she can’t find the bathroom or her bedroom) and staring at maps to figure out how to drive back.

Everything I’ve read says just keep putting it off by saying we’ll go home in a few weeks/months or we’ll just stay a little longer.  This does nothing but make her angry because she wants to go now.  Has anyone tried just repeatedly telling them they are not going back to their home and this is their new home?  I feel like that is cruel and she will get angry but she’s already angry and our answers make her angry.  

I know we are just at the beginning of this journey now that she is close to us, but this is so hard when she is so mad, hateful to most of us and just fixated on how she is going to get back home.  She does have meds for anxiety, paranoia, hallucinations, and sleep but is refusing to take any of them. 

ETA: She is undiagnosed as she has refused to go to a doctor until this past spring and only went once in person and then insisted on phone call.  She refused to go to any other doctors and testing.  She thinks there is no problem and everyone is making things up, trying to trick her, and being mean to her.  We do have POAs completed but not in effect.

abc123

Hi CO. I know what your talking about. This disease is cruel. You must be a really good person to have done everything you’ve done to help her. Try to remember that every single day, another tiny part of her brain is dying or has already died.  It does no good to explain anything to her because she is not capable of understanding. What helped me a lot was reading the post here, watching Teepa Snow videos on you tube. I recently started watching videos by Dr Tam Cummings. They have plenty to teach us! When your MIL wants to go home, what she is really saying is she wants to be safe, she wants to feel safe. There is not a house anywhere on earth that will do that because it’s a “feeling” that she’s searching for. Try watching a couple of the videos and see what you think. Of course things are always harder when we are living it 24 hours a day. But those two ladies have taught me a lot. The people here have taught me a lot by sharing the hell they are living with everyday. I’m so glad you found us. There are many wise people here with years of experience as caregivers. Wise, loving and caring people. And we have a couple of horses butts but we love them too. Hang in there! Come here and read as much as you can take at a time. Come here to vent and rant. We will support you and help you in any way possible. Welcome to the family. I think your family is blessed to have you!

COred

Thank you for your kind words and suggestions, abc123!  We’ve all been busy reading books (including our teens) and I’ve been watching Teepa Snow videos and listening to her podcast.  I hadn’t heard of Dr. Cummings, I will check her out as well.

abc123

I hope there is long term care insurance for her.

abc123

I just found out about Dr Cummings from another member here. I also recently bought the book, The 36 Hour Day. It’s very informative but I can only read a couple pages at a time because it depresses me and scares me. I admire your teenagers for reading about this disease. I’m really sorry they have to go through this too. I’m glad that your MIL lives next door not under the same roof.

COred

Unfortunately, no.  But thankfully she has an inheritance she received as well as both her and FIL have saved very well.

I’ve been listening to the audio book of 36 hour day off and on for the last month.

Quilting brings calm

Abc123 is correct about the 36 hour day book. It is an invaluable reference - has a great index in the back. But don’t try to read it cover to cover like a novel. It’s got too much information and real life examples in it and you will be depressed.

harshedbuzz

I found this quick, dirty and free article invaluable for getting some idea what dad might be thinking/feeling which helped me to be understanding and less frustrated in the moment.

12 pt Understanding the Dementia Experience (dementiacarestrategies.com)

It sounds like MIL has anosognosia- a condition where she can't appreciate that she has had a cognitive shift that has left her lass capable. In her mind, she is as fine as she ever was and you people are trying to gaslight her.

It's best to get her to the doctor. You may need to not mention it until the day of and then get her there with a fiblet- aka therapeutic lie. Perhaps you're stopping at the doctor's for a prescription renewal on the way to lunch or she needs an annual checkup to keep her insurance.

HB