Stressful Move to AL/MC

Yogini72

Hi Everyone, I'm new to the board and so thankful for the advice I've read browsing through the different posts.  I don't really have a specific question; just looking for support during my parent's stressful transition to AL/MC.

My 82-yo mom was diagnosed with mild unspecified dementia a year ago and since then, it has progressed to the point that she is late Stage 4/early Stage 5 based on the guidelines I've read.  My dad passed away almost 3 years ago and they never planned for what the surviving spouse would do.  Because he made all the major decisions, she is rudderless without him.  Long story short, my mom refuses to make any decisions in her best interest no matter how many times I've tried to address my concerns with her.  She's at the point where she often doesn't remember conversations for more than a few minutes which makes getting traction towards any decision extremely difficult.  She can't manage taking her medication daily and I've taken over the bill paying and management of her finances.  Recently I stopped two people from taking advantage of her financially and we've had at least two near misses with telephone scammers.  Her neurologist has determined she does not have the capacity to manage her medical decisions or financial affairs.  I am both her durable POA and her medical POA, with no other siblings or immediate family members.

My husband and I considered our family moving in with her, but she's very critical and opinionated (even before dementia) and we determined it would add even more stress to an already stressful situation.  She's also stated that she would never want a full-time caregiver living with her.  After many discussions and several visits, I found an AL/MC community that she liked.  First she agreed to move there, then when it was time to make moving decisions, she got very angry and refused.  I'm not going to lie, I made arrangements for a respite stay and got her to the AL/MC community on a ruse.  It's been 3 weeks and she is still angry with me, as you can imagine.  Today we spoke on the phone for the first time and all she did was complain and plead her case as to why she should go home.  I listened but told her I had to go after a few minutes when it was clear she wasn't listening to my responses.  In her mind, she is the victim and I am the bad guy who made a decision without taking her feelings into consideration.

I know that my mom can no longer live safely on her own, but I still feel guilty about the path I took to get her to AL/MC.  I remind myself that she is the only person who thinks she can manage her affairs and that she will eventually adjust.  I guess I'm just looking for support that I did the right thing (even if I had to trick her) and that I shouldn't take her anger and guilt trips personally because she is not a good judge of what she needs.  Thank you for any comments and tips folks can provide!

Quilting brings calm

You did exactly what you needed to do.  You got her to a safe environment. There is no reason it has to be your house.  My parents weren’t ever going to be cared for in my home for all the reasons you describe and more.

abc123

Good for you! Good for your mom! You definitely did the right thing for both of you. I wish I had your courage! I think you did the right thing! I know it’s hard but please try not to feel guilty. You are a good daughter.

abc123

In regards to cutting the phone call short, you did the wise thing. It does absolutely no good for anyone to continue with negative phone calls. You are a good daughter. You are doing a good job on behalf of your mother.

M1

Welcome to the forum. I haven't had to consider placement yet, but there's no question you did the right thing, and it sounds like you handled it just right.  One constant theme here is that there is no reasoning to be done, and many folks don't discuss the move ahead of time at all. So having to use a ruse to get her there is the norm rather than the exception. Hope she settles in quickly.

harshedbuzz

You did not cause your mother to leave her home; dementia did that. You stepped in and took  the emotionally difficult steps needed to keep her safe. What you are feeling, some would say, is sadness and regret that things turned out for her as they have. And maybe a little frustration that she and dad didn't have a plan in place for her.

It could take some time for her to settle in. During those visits, I would encourage you to meet her in a public area of the facility. My dad was a challenging person (also critical and opinionated- dementia sort of distilled and magnified those characteristics in him), too- in the early going we always met him outside his room lest he excoriate my mother for putting him away. Another thing was that I always brought dad some sort of treat- a special edition magazine about his favorite sports teams and/or cookies, cake, ice cream.

Other have suggested disappearing the phone if you're the only one she calls or getting a cheaper burner phone for yourself on which you can leave a soothing outgoing message for her and returning calls at a time of day when she's typically calmer.

HB

Yogini72

Thank you, for all of your encouragement and suggestions!  Thankfully I asked the staff to remove the phone from her room beforehand and she has to use a facility or staff cell phone to call me.  Once we start visiting her, I will definitely meet her in a common area and bring her a treat.  Reading through a few other posts tonight, I feel more confident in ignoring her complaints/not trying to explain to her why she is there.  Knowing that this is a new phase of the journey is a little scary but also comforting.  Thanks again!

strugglebus

Been there, done that. On July 5th I moved my mom into AL on a ruse. It was the absolute hardest thing I have had to do, but I knew she needed more assistance. She had been living on her own prior to that with me managing her bills and meds. The first 2 weeks were the worst. It was an emotional rollercoster that I never thought I would get off of. While the last couple of weeks haven't been perfect, we are able to visit without her begging us to take her home or crying uncontrollably. We have even taken her to church or lunch on the weekends and she has returned with minimal refusals. I will say that I was advised to stay away for the first couple of weeks, but that didn't work out in her case. We found it to be more helpful for me to visit after 4-5 days. I do talk her her on a daily basis, but her calls (4-5 a day) to me have drastically reduced.  I think the staff at the AL facility has been absolutely wonderful. While I cannot always trust what my mom tells me, the staff keeps me posted on her successes and struggles( only when I need to know). Hang in there, it will improve. I still have guilt over having done it and am not sure that will ever go away, but know it needed to be done. Good luck.

LHopkins

I know you did the right thing.  She was a danger to herself.  Stay strong.  You’ve got this.

bozowing

If it's any consolation, I'm just going thru same thing with my father who on Thursday was recommended for Guardianship.  He too is major stubborn and refuses to go anywhere.  I know too, in my gut, he needs to go to MC for his own good.  And it will require tricking him into it.

I hope for you and your sanity you find the peace and if possible, please post any successes you have, so maybe I can learn from too!

Tauruslady511

You did the right thing. It will be and adjustment for both of you. I got my mom into a facility the same way-by a ruse. She was SUPER angry in the beginning and actually tried to bust out, the police were called and they ended up taking her to the hospital and psych holding her for 3 days. In the end, her meds were adjusted, an anti-psychotic added, and she was back at the facility. It took a good 2-3 months for her to fully adjust and for me to feel better about making what I know was the best decision for all involved. Hang in there, things will level out.

BuffaloGal

Never feel guilty. Never! You are doing what you have to do. Sadly part of the disease is recognizing she has a problem. The same thing happened with our mother. Thank god we were able to get her Will, POA's and DNR done up while she was still pretty cognizant of her decisions. I think had we waited a few months longer my mother would have been past the point of being of "sound mind" and able to sign things for herself.

We moved my Mom in with my family shortly after she was diagnosed 6 yrs ago and she was here for about 18 months before we moved her to Asst Living. There, she stayed for another 2 yrs before we were forced to place her in Memory Care. No one wants to see their parent in these places but the reality is I work full time, my sister has her own health issues and is in no way be able to take our Mothers care on as well. We aren't able to give her the kind of care she is needing right now. We know she is safe and cared for properly where she is.

Its a tough decision but one I can live with.