disabled 62 yo DH with some sort of dementia (and depression and severe anger issues)

rockfarmerswife

My DH has drank all of our marriage, and has probably had alcoholism for about 35 of our 37 year marriage.  In 2018, he was hospitalized on our 35th wedding anniversary for pancreatitis, and I almost lost him.  He spent 100 days in a nursing facility after that, and stayed dry for several months.  Then in 2019 he was hospitalized again, but he "didn't like the doctor, they didn't know what they were talking about" (at that time he was delusional and falling often) and spent another 100 days in a nursing home for rehab (which he did not participate in).  In 2020 he was admitted for alcoholic hepatitis, and when he got out, he really seemed like he was changed.  That lasted about 2 months.  He has such severe memory issues that he can scream and yell at me, but has forgotten after about 30 mins (good because he feels better, bad because he never apologizes).  He has been pretty much wheelchair bound for the last 12 months or longer, and rarely leaves our home.  I work full time, so at least I can spend about 40 hours a week away from the verbal abuse, but home is a minefield.  I am a Christian, and I vowed to love and honor him for better or worse, and will continue to try to do that. He won't see a doctor, and I treat any uti's he gets because he intermittently is not able to urinate and has to use a catheter. (I'm a nurse practitioner).  He can cook for himself, but hasn't had a shower in > 1 year.  His teeth are falling out.  If I can EMS or police for emergency detention, I am afraid he will freak out and kill someone who is responding (he was a police officer his entire life).  I know this is not the life he envisioned, and I feel his disappointment; it isn't how I expected life to turn out, either.    While our son knows what I go through (he lives on the same property in an apartment with his wife), he doesn't know about the physical abuse (slapped me in a rage several times).  Do medications ever fix this problem?

Quilting brings calm

Rock - there is an additional forum that you can post upon/a spouses forum, you will find spouses with similar issues to yours.

If you are so worried about EMS’s safety, then you should definitely be worried about your own and your sons.  Hide the guns( he shouldn’t have them in this condition), call EMS.  Tell them he is a former police officer with alcoholic dementia and he is a danger to himself and others.  They will handle it. 

Next/ you promised to love and honor him.,, you didn’t vow to do it in the same home.  By his actions your entire married life, he failed to love, Honor and cherish you back.  Do you tell your patients to go home and tolerate and accept verbal and physical abuse from their families?  Aren’t you a mandated reporter? 

His mind is irretrievably broken,  medications aren’t going to fix it. Nor are they going to be able to completely control him in your home.