Why am I so fearful of his anger?

rockfarmerswife

This month, a dear old friend reached out and wanted to get together.  I am on "vacation" this week (although work is truly my vacation from home life) and thought I would be able to spend at least 4 hours with her, just reconnecting.  When I mentioned to my husband that she had reached out, he initially was supportive, but that quickly changed to anger "that all he does is stay at home, and if I plan something with her, than we can't do anything".  I tried to reason with him (I know, a pretty futile activity) that we had plans to go to the coast that just kept getting delayed "until tomorrow" (and tomorrow never came) and that I had spent all week in the same room with him (while he watches endless TV) reading books on my kindle or playing Fishdom.  When he screamed "well just go, it just shows what kind of "b**ch" you are, I just gave up.  Where do I find power to stand up to his anger?  yesterday, I ended up leaving the house in anger, drove way too fast down the drive, and wanted to just run away - but didn't go any farther than 3 miles away and only stayed away for 45 mins.  Got home and got the cold treatment, but never discussed it.  Sometimes I wish I would need to be hospitalized for something serious but not too serious just to get some "me time".  How warped is that?  Not really looking for answers (I'm on antidepressants, not suicidal, and don't know how I could go to counseling when he questions any time I have to be away, and yes, I know that I am the typical abused spouse), but just need to vent.  I don't want to share more than absolutely necessary with our son, because I don't want him to hate his father, and our daughter really doesn't have any relationship with her father (but my bright spot is that I DO get to visit with her and the grandchildren!)Thanks for being a safe place to share.

Ed1937

Is it possible that you could arrange for your son or someone else to visit him while you are gone? There is nothing wrong with wanting to get together with your friend. You do need some time for yourself whenever you can manage that.

Iris L.

Are you getting psychotherapy?  Antidepressants can do only so much.

Iris L.

Buggsroo

I get where you are coming from Rockfarmerswife. 

Sometimes it would be nice to just say you are doing something without the argy bargy.

I understand because it is like walking on eggshells. In my case, I tell him what I am doing, then I go out. If I couldn’t get away for a breather, I would be in a rubber room right now, counting the holes in the acoustic ceiling.

You need space, that is very clear. It might be a good idea to set up some me time and get someone to be with your husband. 

Talk therapy might be a good idea, I am looking into that for myself. It is really difficult to understand what caregivers go through unless you have been there. Frankly my favourite time is when he is in bed. I feel like I can breathe.

Jimbob59

Buggsroo 

I am with you on that I see some people upset by the amount of time their PWD is sleeping not me. When she sleeps i don't have to listen to the I want to go home repeats. 

dayn2nite2

I'd stop having conversations about what I'm going to do and just do it.  You left in anger the one night, right?  And drove around?  What happened when you came back?

Start planning and doing without having discussion in advance.  If he is still becoming angry, then I guess how angry is going to determine what you'll do.  Yelling and calling names?  Continue living your life, maybe ask someone to come and see him when you leave.

Violence against you?  Call 911 and have him admitted to a geri-psych unit for medication start/adjustment.

rockfarmerswife

Ed1937, our son is very good about coming and visiting with DH usually at least 2x per week (we all live on the same property), but that is usually during the last hour I am at work.  Sometimes he doesn't come for a week or two because DH is ugly to him, questions how he cares for our herd (he was a wonderful shepherd during the snow storm in Texas in Feb, and cares for them as if they were his own), or just generally is disagreeable.  I totally support our son in his removal from the situation, because I don't want his mental health to be affected anymore than it is right now.  

I plan to have a discussion with our daughter in the next few weeks to ask for her help.  She doesn't really know everything that is going on right now, but I think it is time I quit sheltering her (not really respectful of her, I know).  Pray that she can have an open heart about what I share (she has already said that she knows that I am abused).  I hurt because my grandchildren are not going to have any good memories of their grandfather, and I fear that when the time comes, my daughter will have regrets regarding her relationship with her dad.  

I'm getting together with my friend for lunch after the 13th, so at least there is that.  She is willing to make whatever I can manage work, praise God for that.  Many would find it just not worth the effort.

Cynbar

I agree with day2nite, I think you'll have better luck if you talk less to him. This was a big hurdle for me to get over, I wasted a lot of time and effort trying to explain and reason with my DH before I realized that he can't do this anymore (thank you, other posters!). It was just confusing him and frustrating me. Plus, he like so many other people with dementia has lost the ability to care about my feelings. Now, if I have an outing like yours planned, I tell him in a calm and matter of fact way that I'm going out for a few errands or an appointment. Then I just go, with no more discussion, and he accepts that most of the time. Your plan may be different, but my point is to stop giving him so much information --- he can't process it anymore. Dementia is about so much more than memory loss. And, feel free to come here and vent away.

Addendum: Reading this back, it does sound a little simplistic, but there's basic truth here. No matter the dynamics of the situation, fewer attempts to reason and explain and convince him will help to deescalate. Your post sounds like you were trying to convince him to support your outing. Give up that effort, it's not going to help.

Lynne D

A monk decides to meditate alone. Away from his monastery, he takes a boat and goes to the middle of the lake, closes his eyes and begins to meditate. After a few hours of unperturbed silence, he suddenly feels the blow of another boat hitting his. With his eyes still closed, he feels his anger rising and, when he opens his eyes, he is ready to shout at the boatman who dared to disturb his meditation.

But when he opened his eyes, saw that it was an empty boat, not tied up, floating in the middle of the lake … At that moment, the monk achieves self-realization and understands that anger is within him; it simply needs to hit an external object to provoke it. After that, whenever he meets someone who irritates or provokes his anger, he remembers; the other person is just an empty boat. Anger is inside me. ” 

–Thich Nhat Hanh

sandwichone123

What I've found is to have a good solid nothing as my reason for going out--usually "errands." I just say, "I'm going out to run some errands," and go.

Paris20

When I start each day, I never know which new version of my husband I’m going to encounter. Often it is the short-tempered and angry man, looking for a fight where there is none. At first I used to argue with him. Now I realize that’s useless, an exercise in futility. As others have already said, just do what you want and need to do. Whatever you say will soon be forgotten anyway. My husband still yells at me because he accuses me of never telling him that our niece died last year. If I counted the number of times I did tell him, I’d be in four figures by now.

OrganizerBecky

I like the story of the monk. It is very difficult not to feel like it's my job to keep everyone happy. I remember reading someplace that we can have the attitude of "he can get over it or die mad." Kind of helps me not take on someone else's personal problems - especially when they blame me for them. 

My DH tends to be passive aggressive  - like your husband's answer of "Well, just go then!" I take those comments at face value and say, "yes, that's the plan."

sb12

I agree; it's the disease and he can't process your plans.

rockfarmerswife

Paris20:  "As others have already said, just do what you want and need to do. Whatever you say will soon be forgotten anyway." - this is so right!  Monday morning, on my way to work, I get a text from DH responding to the text I sent to him when I 'ran away' (I'm sorry I took off, I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment to you) - "what is this? it does not fit anything I know about. Who is it for?" .  I called him and explained it was when we had the big fight previously, and he said "where was I when this happened?" and then hung up.  He truly did not remember, and figured it was for my (imagined) boyfriend - and when would I have time to have an affair????  

Rick4407

Thank you Lynne D!  That is a very useful post.  I have printed it.   Rick

DrinaJGB

You're fearful of his anger because he is not the person he used to be. And actually---neither are you now. I sometimes tell myself that an alien has come down and taken my husband away leaving this foreign being in its place that I have to deal with day after day---week after week---month after month---and year after year. You know--like the movie Groundhog Day.

jfkoc

A thought...is your husband getting out enough???

rockfarmerswife

jfkoc - we actually went for a long drive yesterday evening (after a good visit with our son and daughter in law).  He also has been complaining about severe neuropathy in his left foot, so I was able to convince him to take some gabapentin (good for anxiety, alcohol withdrawal also). I'm not sure what made it better, but we did have a good evening. Thanks for the reminder to help him not feel so isolated by getting out.

Rescue mom

Just a little bit of “you’re not alone in this,” for what it’s worth….I used to tell my DH where, what, who I was going when I left, but when I got back, he did not remember any of it. 

He did not like being left (he did not want to go, not at all, was a big problem if he had to). He just did not want me to go away from him. At least he’d forgot all about it in maybe an hour. Now I just say “errands” and that’s more or less accepted.

The first time I left him overnight with family while I was away, we talked about it a lot beforehand and he said fine, go ahead. He knew all the details…now I know that was not good, but that was then.

He told other family, friends and neighbors I “ran out on him,” he did not know why, where I was, what I was doing, or if I would return. When I called, he was angry and said I ran away without telling him. Family say he gets over it/forgets pretty fast, but the calls just upset him. When I got back, he was angry, but the next day did not even remember I’d been gone, and not upset at all.

Now I don’t tell him anything ahead of time, he just stews. I’ll say something like “I have to go for a bit, I’ll see you later” right before leaving. I don’t call him and don’t talk to him on the phone, either. He’s still sulky when I return, but doesn’t remember anything about it within a few hours.

It’s still so hard not to be able to talk to him about doing things….I could have written what Cynbar said. Lots of truth and good advice there and elsewhere.

This board has given me far more practical, useful coping tips than all his doctors combined.