Memory Care intro went very badly

tramey50

We moved Mom to memory care yesterday. We didn’t tell her in advance, but had the room set up and decorated with her things. She immediately asked to leave. To see her husband (he wasn’t with us, but she doesn’t recognize him anyway). Then she got mad and asked how I could do this to her. And she begged for me to take her home. It was absolutely heartbreaking. The caregiver finally distracted her and we left. She slept and ate, but is restless and asks when her family will come get her. I can barely stop myself from going to get her. But, there are many good reasons she was moved from her home. Can anyone help me feel any better? Any advice at this point? Thank you. Tracy

Stuck in the middle

You are doing the right thing, not the easy thing.  Just keep telling yourself what you told us " . . . for many good reasons."

abc123

Hi Tracey, I think you did what’s best for your mom. Nothing about this disease is easy. There comes a time when we have to do what’s best for our parent even if it hurts like hell. I’m sorry this is so difficult but you have truly done the right thing. I wish you the best.

Boppy

Moving my mother into MC (January 2021) was the hardest and saddest thing I've ever done. My siblings kept reminding me of what you are reminding yourself -- that despite how horrible it feels, and despite how guilty we feel when she expresses her confusion, sorrow, and anger, it was the best decision for her. She is at a point in her life where safety is #1. I am new to this group, just joined. Your post was the first I read, and the responses helped me as well. Thank you!

harshedbuzz

Remember you did not do this to her, you did this for her.

It's hard to do the right thing when it makes our LOs unhappy in the moment. She will likely adjust to her new surroundings and may even come to enjoy some aspects of them.

MN Chickadee

I can't make you feel better but I can commiserate. Those early hours and days after moving my mother to MC were the hardest of my life. Heartbreak is the only word for it. But as others have said, you are doing it for her. Doing your job as her POA and loved one to keep her safe. I found therapeutic fibs helped us both get through. For weeks we called it temporary until she settled in and forgot to ask to go home. In our case it was "when the doctor says you are strong enough to go home" or "after they run a few more tests." Perhaps there is a pipe break or no electricity at her house and she can go home after it is fixed. Yes, you can go home next week. Rinse and repeat. It took my mother nearly 8 weeks to stop asking to go home (and she wasn't even talking about her current home, she wanted to go to her childhood home and thought her long deceased mother would be there.)  The adjustment takes time. It won't happen over night, usually it is weeks. The days are hard, just take them one day at a time and keep your head up. Eventually she will settle in. This is what the early days almost always look like; it's ok. It doesn't mean it won't improve. At first I wondered if I would ever drive up to the facility without dread in the pit of my stomach. Now we have lovely visits and I have no problem coming and going. I hope you get there too.

Jo C.

Tracy, I am so very sorry.   As you can see, many of us have had similar experieinces and it can be a real heartbreaker.  I often found myself waking up in the wee hours wondering how my mother was faring; I also did a lot of second guessing of myself.  I think that for many of us, that is par for the course.  Not only do our LOs have a period of adaptation; we adult children also have a period of adaptation.  Time will in most cases, soften things.

I am a strong person and rarely, do I ever have tears.  The day we admitted my mother into care, we too had arranged her room; everythng in its place before she ever arrived:  all her clothes, her toiletries, her favorite recliner/lift chair; photos and pictures, her favorite bedspread and treats . . . . .and me . . . . .with a pounding heart; feeling like a dreadful, guilt-ridden daughter.

Told my mother that she needed rehab; I had arranged for someone to come each morning and "exercise" her or walk her to sustain that falsehood.  I arranged for the same aide on each shift to be with her to avoid too many strange faces with hands-on; arranged for her to be escorted to the dining room and activities each day; arranged for her to be seated at a table with others who were in her level of function as so many were far more advanced and having more trouble with all and sundry.  She did like that I made an appointment at the facility beauty shop to have her hair done; I tried to think of everything I could; but omigoodness; I had forgotten my heart in the midst of it all.

My DH and I stayed until late afternoon.  We left feeling exhausted.  Did not want to  have to cook dinner; so we stopped at a lovely cafe/restaurant.  We were seated in the middle of the dining room, order taken.  Suddenly; without any idea it would happen, no warning whatoever; I abruptly burst into tears.  Not nice quiet "lady" tears, but huge gulping loud sobs; nose running, face red and no matter how I tried, I could not stop.  We had to leave with me sobbing my way across the dining room.  I am NOT an over-emotional person; never had anything like that happened to me before - but it  was.  Wonder what the other poor diners thought.  

My mother had some wanting to go home and had some irritability, etc.  You know.  I did not want to not go and see her; staff wanted me to not visit for two weeks so she would "bond" with staff.   I am not a believer in abandonment.  Heck; how would I feel if someone placed me with bunch of strangers and left me high and dry?  What an awful thought.

I was able to go into the staff office that had one way glass in the door; I could look out and see my mother in craft and activity time.  She seemed to be calm and actually participating and doing well.  That helped somewhat.  I also took a meal she liked and even fast food she liked from time to time as they had a private family dining room and we would visit with a meal with family.  We also managed to get her outside as they had nice gardens with sidewalk and benches.  Still . . . . .not easy and had to keep up the fiblets about why she was there until she finally stopped asking.

You are a dear and loving daughter doing the very best for your mother under difficult circumstances;  You are still her carer, just in a different sort of way.

Please let us know how you and she are doing; we really care and will be thinking of you.  I send you my warmest thoughts from one daughter to another,

J.

eaglemom

Just an FYI. Look at the dates on here, July. 

eagle

tramey50

Hi Eaglemom, what does your comment mean about the date, July?

Thanks, Tracy

Iris L.

This is an old thread that got dredged up.  Apparently a member deleted his or her post and the thread was brought to the top.  When eagle posted it was in reference to nothing,  because whatever she responded to was deleted.  This has been happening lately to quite a few threads.

Iris