I have a confession to make

sixcats

And I don’t think a priest can help me at this time. My spouse has been in a memory care facility for over a year. He got really bad case of COVID so he’s really been in MC for less than a year. He’s doing okay now. We have a big house which I plan to sell within a year. He had his own bedroom and office and I had mine. It’s been a year since I entered his bedroom or office. I closed all doors to his bedroom, bathroom, office at least a year ago. All of his stuff is still there as if it was yesterday. Today I needed to find a stepladder to change out our burnt out porch light. (changing light bulbs was a task my husband thankfully did). So I found the ladder in my husbands room. It was surreal, being in his man space. He was a brilliant, talented guy but messy. I feel like I’m so *$%& up I will never be happy again.

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sixcats

Thank you, Victoria. I truly appreciate your input.

In a way, I wish I was still living in my one bedroom apartment in Studio City with no cats or boyfriend and pursuing my acting career. But that was 35 years ago. Sigh. 

Owning a home sucks. Having my sweet husband get ALZ at age 60 totally sucks. I’m all alone with these frigging cats and home maintenance really sucks and very expensive.

My husband has one guitar at the facility he’s in. He has 10, yes, 10 guitars in our house. What the f--- am I to do with these 10 guitars, cases, straps, amps, keyboard, etc? Sell them of course. 

What a royal pain in the a**. I wish I had become a nun.

LadyTexan

Very beautifully said Victoria. The image of the rug created with the old and the new is especially helpful for me.

Sixcats your loss is profound. You are taking steps into the light. I agree with Victoria, you will be happy again. There will be laughter again. In the meantime, lean on us. We are here for you.

Crushed

Victoria2020 wrote:

Losing a great spouse to this stink-o disease is like having a potato peeling tool tear holes  in us.

made my day

Agree with the other thoughts also

DW fell the other day.  Bloody nose and face I took her to urgent care at Kaiser.  At the Triage nurse she was gesticulating and speaking gibberish.  Nurse looks at her and says "is this normal for her ?"  I said YES  Nurse says, then I don't think she has a concussion   

You just take it day by day.

Crushed

SixCats

My wife was a genius and I was her total support system.   I am a very good homemaker except my cleaning sucks. I can iron a pleated skirt, cook a blueberry pie from scratch and keep the house running smoothly.  When DW got sick I tackled the problem of her "stuff"    32 count them 32 old computers went out. They were everywhere. I saved the two she built around  1980.  I saved all photos disk backups and  tchotchkes.   I disposed of 15 of the 32 cameras.  (DW was an expert in medical imaging, cameras and computers were her PASSION)

It is all part of the grieving/healing process.    Save the things that are special to YOU as part of the relationship and get rid of the rest. 

Battlebuddy

   Six acts,

   I am sorry you are here. Sorry that you are sad. 

  If you have been on this road for a while you begin to work on the rug that Victoria so eloquently spoke of. I guess in life we are all used to planning and working for the future. But with Alzheimers so much of the time we have had to live day by day and not think too far ahead. 

   I just wanted to say that the closed room does not have to stay closed unless it brings you comfort for it to be that way. You can open it up and start working on going through it. It’s ok to do that even though he is still here. It will turn your stomach to start but it’s ok to think to yourself, I have the time to go through the papers or guitars etc. and find a new home for them ( or some) 

   I believes that is part of the weaving the rug. My husband was a cyclist , and the first time I went through his bike shed it turned my stomach and made me so sad. But little by little I have got through most of it. I just had the house painted anticipating that some day in the future it will be sold. 

    I’m still alive and human and it’s in our nature to make plans for our future. I want mine to be happy and bright . I want to hit the ground running when this is all over and do some traveling. So I’m doing some weeding out of his things now so I’m not stuck with a big job later.  

Jeff86

This is so hard for all of us spouse/partner caregivers—wish there were anything any of us could say to make it not so.  But what I can say is I—all of us here—-totally get the profound sadness you are experiencing.   

We also live in a large house, three stories and a full basement, and have been here for 24 years.  Over that stretch of time, we’ve accumulated more ‘stuff’ than any two people ought to have.  A year or so ago, I thought we might move to a home all on one level, and so needed to tackle de-cluttering.  It felt overwhelming.  

I ended up hiring a professional organizer.  It was a great decision.  Very disciplined approach to tackling one room at a time.  One drawer at a time.  One file cabinet at a time.  Taking each item and deciding:  keep, sell, give away/donate, throw out.  Someone to guide you through the process but not make choices for you.  

We ended up with a charitable organization making three trips for pick-ups of donated items.  I made five trips to our county shredding center to get rid of old files with tax returns, bank statements and the like.  Four special pick-ups by our Department of Public Works for trash.  

We ended up not moving, ironically.  But I feel better with our greatly de-cluttered house.  When the time does come to sell this house, it won’t be so hard to pack.  Or, alternatively, we’re not leaving a houseful of stuff for the kids.  If I can do it (somewhat of a pack rat), you can!  And, I think it will make you feel lighter and may be a step on the path to become happier.

OrganizerBecky

I had a side hustle as a professional organizer for about 13 years until the end of 2019. Hiring a P.O. to help you go through your husband's room may be an option. A good one will offer compassion, objectivity, ideas for disposal/sale of items and a helping hand as you make tough decisions. Look at NAPO.net to see if there are any close to you or ask friends for recommendations.