He said our friend came to see me.

White Crane

DH and I have been married 54 years and have both been true to each other.  Never has there been any doubt on either side about this...until now.  We have a friend who has been helping us out with groceries since the pandemic started.  When he goes to the store, he texts to see if we need anything.  Usually I ask for milk and bread...just a few things.  He brought a few things by on Friday and then stayed and visited with DH and me for a few minutes.  After he left, DH asked why our friend had come.  I told him he came to bring a few groceries.  DH got a horrible, kind of twisted smirk on his face and said, " I know why he came!  He didn't come to bring groceries, he came to see YOU!  He comes over here regularly to see you!"  What!!  I couldn't believe he was saying this!  Our daughter is here for a visit and she was shocked at his words...and very angry at him for saying them.  I felt like he had hit me in the stomach.  The air went out of me and I just had to get out of there.  I walked to a nearby park even though it was 90 degrees and finally called a close friend.  I've been taking care of this man for several years now with his AD and he has said some mean things in that time but this was the worst.  I'm trying to forgive him...he has probably already forgotten saying it as he is back to being lovey dovey and telling me he loves me but something inside me feels so broken.

M1

So sorry WC.  Try to remember it's the disease talking and not him.  Losing filters.

JoseyWales

Oh yeah, it was the disease. And I'm sorry that he said that, it hurts. Especially when we remember the relationship and they don't.

One of DH's long time friends came about a month ago and sat with us to visit for a long time. After he left, DH was trying to convince me that his friend liked me and that I should date him. This went on for two days. And here I thought he couldn't remember anything longer than a few minutes.

Pam BH

White Crane, I'm so sorry this happened.  I've experienced that gutwrenching hurt also. After 47 years, on my 73rd birthday DH told me I was having an affair and that I'd told him all about how I was going to leave him because I'd found someone else. He said when I'd be gone (we haven't been apart at all for 1-1/2 years) at night I'd bring in other women dressed like me to sleep with him (nice of me, huh?!).  He makes plans for how he's going to live after I leave. He monitors my phone calls, emails, and texts.  He goes with me EVERYWHERE, even to doctor appointments. This started 9 months ago with the very angry accusations about once a week and escalating to every day. Doc put him on sertraline and memantine which surprisingly tamped down the accusations, but they're still there but now usually just passing comments and not very often angry accusations. At all other times he's my loving DH.

Being accused of something you didn't do over and over again is incredibly hard, especially when it's the man you've shared such a love with.  But it's the disease (Alzheimer's and vascular dementia) talking. Most of what I do now is keep him calm and never ask what he's thinking when he gets a distant or angry look on his face.  For the other many delusions he has I'm able to either play along with them or "take care of the situation" to keep him calm, but this delusion I can't bring myself to do that.  He's functional for about 50% of the time.  I wish I had advice for you but I can offer empathy.  

Mgsr04

I'm sorry you're going through this. Even though you know it's the disease, it still leaves a scar. He may eventually get over it. My DW went through a phase in her progression where she thought all of our women friends and acquaintances were after me. They all got the cold shoulder from her for a while. Even her daughter, my stepdaughter! This was unusual for her. I knew she was feeling insecure but there wasn't any way to reassure her. As time wore on, she got over it and was never jealous again after that.

Stuck in the middle

I am sorry for both of you.  AD Hell is a lousy place to live.

Joe C.

White Crane, I am sorry you are experiencing the hurt but as others have mentioned I don’t think these accusations are uncommon. A couple of years ago my DW would accuse me of trying to pick up women whenever I went out even stating, I had something going on with “whoever”. This lasted a few months and then the accusations just stoped.

Buggsroo

White Crane, 

I sympathize with what you are experiencing.

My husband hasn’t accused me of having affairs etc.yet.

However, my father developed dementia after he had Guillan Barre syndrome. He accused my mother of being unfaithful to him in the crudest terms possible. He had always been terribly jealous of my mom talking to people (men) because he fooled around on her. Luckily, after he developed dementia, he was in a home and she would just leave when he got ugly.

Like other people here say, it is the disease speaking, not your husband. I have to keep reminding myself of that because my husband has said some pretty nasty things to me. I know it hurts, just remember you are not guilty as charged.

harshedbuzz

I'm sorry you were hurt by this.

Like buggsroo's dad, my father used to accuse my mother of infidelity in the crudest manner possible. He, too, had a history of being the unfaithful partner in their marriage, but I think his accusations came from a place of anxiety and insecurity.

Sometimes he would tell me that my mother was leaving/had left him (often she was just in the kitchen). He responded well to me assuring him she would never leave or cheat because she was so in love with him because he was so marvelously handsome and intelligent. If I laid it on thick enough, I could even get a smile out of him. Alas, it didn't work if she defended herself in the same manner. 

HB

Ed1937

I'm sorry for those of you who have to put up with this. So far, I haven't had that happen to me. Maybe it's because she never questioned my fidelity because I never gave her a reason to. So far nothing she has said to me has had much of an impact because I understand it's not her talking. I know it can be hard, but that's what we have to remember.

Kevcoy

This is why I like this forum.  I had no idea that so many people have gone through being accused of being unfaithful and having affairs by their LO.  I hear my DH saying things like me going out with my "many boyfriends" and what we are doing in graphic detail.  I try to reassure him that nothing is going on and he has nothing to worry about but like everyone said it is so very hard to hear.

ButterflyWings

Add me to the list. DH has accused me many times in the last year or two, and I don't play along. I've told him it upsets me that he would believe something like that, which I have never and would never, ever do. It makes me irritated and mad, even more than hurt nowadays.

We were both totally faithful to each other, but his first wife was (very publicly) not. Who knows if he's mixing us up when this happens, but I suspect it would happen anyway based on how many others have experienced it. It clearly has nothing to do with having been given reason to suspect a spouse, pre dementia. 

We had friends stop by to deliver something yesterday. He asked me a couple of times if the wife knew I was dating her husband (one of his dearest longtime friends! One of the only ones who has not walked away from him since diagnosis, in fact). I told him to cut it out. I know that didn't sink in fully, but he did stop at least. I won't listen to that stuff. Best to put some headphones/earbuds in as some folks here do when their LOs share distressing comments.

Today he was telling me how much he loves his beautiful wife (and seemed to be referring to me lol) and sounded really clear headed for a little while this morning. Now he is asking me where my boyfriend is. Sometimes I don't think it is insecurity or anxiety per se...just the irrational and accusatory disease. I'm sorry White Crane and others are going through this too.

Ed1937

ButterflyWings wrote:

It clearly has nothing to do with having been given reason to suspect a spouse, pre dementia. 

After I read that, I realized that what I said could have been taken the wrong way. I certainly was not suggesting that anyone gave reason to be mistrusted, and I'm truly sorry if I came across that way.

Stuck in the middle

It's just like when your teenagers say they hate you.  Sound and fury, signifying nothing.

Life is much better when you don't care what people think.

Jude4037

It did sound like you thought others may have reasons to doubt their spouses fidelity. I’ve never heard that from my husband but he accuses me and our eleven years old grandson of stealing from him often. And I know neither of us have taken anything from him. He would even say the grandson took something like a garden tool. At first I just could not deal with him accusing a child and it made me angry but  after a while I knew it was easier to say I’ll talk to him about that and his dad will get you another one. We have not done yard work in 20 yrs, we live in a condo but he wasn’t buying the truth. We all try to make connection and reasons for behavior most times there are none. I try to react like I would if he wasn’t my husband of 55 years because he’s not. He’s a completely different person. I jus say things like “I’m sorry you don’t trust me, I will look around for it.” Or “I put it in the bank well get it out tomorrow.” 

ButterflyWings

Jude! Brilliant. When I first found this lifesaving space, I recall some forum mates were treating their caregiving role as a job. As you said, this is not my DH. And it helps so much to detach with love, in that way. When I'm tired, or just plain forget...it is a lot harder to let accusations, etc. go in one ear, and out the other.  I will borrow your brilliant response "I'm sorry you don't trust me; I would never do that" -- short and sweet and then change the subject.