The Second Hell

banpaeng

First I want to thank all the posters who posted real.  It helped me me through the first Hell.  That is the best I can explain what I went through after my wife was diagnosed with Alzheimer's.  It was a long road from 2012 till she went to Memory Care 3 weeks ago.  That was not a good time as I told her we would stay in our home till the end.  Well trying to burn the house, continious running away, we had to do what was required.  She is doing ok where she is and it has been good for my blood pressure.

Why did I say the second hell, well the first few days, I had relief   After a few days of this, it got real.  I am now trying to figure out how to resume my life.  I did not realize how I had abandoned all of my things I liked to do.  I sold all of my hunting and fishing equipment.  I know I can replace it.  However how do you replace companionship.  My wife enjoyed these  as much as I did.

We used to travel quite a bit.  There were three of us then. My wife, and brother-in-law were my companions.  Brother-in-law passed and wife is in memory care.

So after three weeks, I am at a point of "What in the hell do I do now".  I am missing conversation and the companionship I have enjoyed for the last 48 years.  I do not even know where to go just to sit and talk.  I know I will figure it out, however it is not easy.

Hope all this makes sense.

ElaineD

r bangpaen:

Now you see all the 'holes' in your life that were covered with activities and anxiety about your DW.

In our community there is a Senior Center, which has many activities to choose from.  If such a Center is near you, you can order a brochure, or drop by and pick one up.  

We also have a Newcomers Club, which is for anyone who wants activities.  Our group has over 200 families, many special interest groups (movies, card games, special events, activites like Pickle Ball, hiking, and trips).  Our group also raises funds for a different charitable organization each year.

Many charitable organizations seek volunteers:  Habitat for Humanity needs people to help with building new homes, and also to work in their stores.   Food banks, hospitals, prisons(!), and many more seek volunteers.  Service organizations like the Lions Club, Kiwanis Club are a good place to meet people.  And Alzheimer's Associations might need volunteers...although that may be too soon, too close to home.

Many universities host a Senior program which offers many courses, lectures, trips, book clubs, etc. for a annual membership fee.  

I know you will begin reaching out, getting out, once you are ready.  Three weeks is probably not long enough for you to recover from the terrible trauma you have been through, both as a caregiver, and then from the traumatic process of placement of your DW in memory care.

We never know what lies ahead for us, in each day.  So we have to take it a day at a time.  I think you are doing fine!   

Please keep us posted.

elained

Quilting brings calm

Many high schools now have fishing teams.  My former boss was the ‘coach’ for theirs.  They went to tournaments at area lakes.  With school starting up soon, this is a good time to start  calling and volunteering.  Find an area Boy Scout organization and volunteer to be a mentor for a badge or two in areas that you have expertise. You could do that in chunks of an hour or two and you could do it  with their weekend camping trips.

Joe C.

I certainly understand those things you have given up along this journey and I wonder how I will fill the holes when DW is placed. Recently I have taken up playing Pickleball when my caregiver is here. For me this has been a great outlet, during the week most of the players are retirees so it is getting me out and active, meeting new people my age. Hiking clubs is also another group/activity I have participated in from time to time. If you are physically active maybe you can look for similar group activities in your area.

Palmetto Peg

Animal rescue is a very rewarding volunteer  opportunity.  I have found people of all ages and stages of life who spend an afternoon walking dogs, taking them for obedience training, or feeding newborn kittens who are orphaned, etc.  The best thing is that these groups tend to form very tight bonds and become almost like family.  Animals also give you so much love in return, and it helps heal some of that loneliness.

If animals aren't your thing, our local recreation center offers many different classes and might be interested in having a fishing instructor teach a class.  You could also sign up for some fitness classes as I am sure caretaking hasn't been the ideal situation for taking care of your own body.  Fishing is a pretty solitary pass time, so right now you might try to find activities that will put you in touch with others.  How about bridge lessons?  Again, most places have a bridge club that offers beginner lessons and regular playing days.

Good luck to you!

Paris20

I understand the use of the term second hell. I posted about my trip to hell, a trip to visit family with my husband. I guess that was hell #1. As my husband’s condition worsens, I sometimes think about what will happen when he’s gone. I’ve made a small, mental bucket list…mostly travel. I ache to go back to France. I want to see my childhood best friend in the Netherlands. I want to visit my adult best friend in San Francisco and my children who recently moved to the wine-growing region of Northern California. I feel guilty about such thoughts but fantasizing about these trips is one of the things that keeps me going.

I don’t know when my husband will stop knowing me, nor can I predict how my health will be. To banpaeng I say don’t be hard on yourself. Feeling the pressure to do something by a certain date can be self defeating and unnecessary. Maybe you can start by just pampering yourself. Eat your favorite foods, get a massage, visit an old friend, take a class…whatever interests you. Start slowly and start with just one thing. All of us in this group have denied ourselves for so long and dealt with horrors no one else can imagine that we have become accustomed to postponing, or giving up entirely, those activities that brought us joy. Even thinking about such things while our spouse is still alive makes us feel terribly guilty. So, take it easy, take it slow, and be kind to yourself.

Gig Harbor

Lots of good ideas here. You could also volunteer at churches that provide meals for people. They are always looking for cooks, cleaners and servers. I think the Newcomers club would be a good place to start and eventually when I am in your position that is what I will do. You need to introduce some fun into your life. It must feel strange to think about because I am sure guilt might make it seem wrong. It is so important for you to take care of yourself. You still need to monitor your wife’s care so you need to stay healthy. I hope you are able to find ways to bring joy into your life.

Pathfinder52

Dear Banpaeng --

This second hell you're describing is what I call "Life after Jack" and I've been building my plan for that time of my life (which hasn't come yet for me) for several years.

I'm a Health & Wellness Coach -- a late-life career for me, after realizing that hubby's needs would in time, make it impossible for me to keep working a corporate job as an administrative nurse.  That time came in 2019.

I've built a self-care plan that I've had to revise several times as circumstances change.  This is something I would advise you consider doing -- and you're likely to want some help doing it because after years of caring for others, caring for YOURSELF feels very foreign.

You might find that Senior Center nearby that Elaine recommended and you'll likely locate a social worker there who can talk you through some ways to get started.  You might also want to check in with a psychologist or a coach (life coach or health coach) to get this new journey going.

It doesn't have to be hell.  That we don't prepare for it makes it feel that way.  You're starting after-the-fact (of being alone) and to find your way, you'll want some guides.  Good guides won't tell you what to do, but help you figure it out for yourself, support you on the journey and celebrate your successes.

Wishing you all the best.  This part of your life is what you make it. Give it your very best effort.  

One last thought. the Alzheimer's Association is piloting support groups for those who are transitioning OUT of their caregiving role -- these are new in our area (Minneapolis, MN) but may be up and operational elsewhere in the country.  It would be worth a phone call to your local Alzheimer's Association office to ask what's available.

--p

Stuck in the middle

Just do whatever you like to do and talk to the other people there.

If you have a shooting club in your area, you can get a shotgun and take up breaking clay targets.  Our club has contests for various charities, and there are always small groups you can join with to shoot on any given day.  Good way to meet retired men who like the outdoors.  Shoot the breeze in the snack bar after you shoot, get acquainted.  

I thought about joining Ozarks Paddlers until I learned it was a canoe club 

Stuck in the middle

I saw an article on retirement in the business section of today's newspaper, and it occurred to me that you have actually just retired from a job as a caretaker.  You are in the position of a man who worked day and night and was suddenly forced into retirement with enough money but nothing to do.  

The article suggested that the happiest retirees are those with part-time jobs.  I don't know what you did for a living, but the cue might lie there.