Separate Beds

Lp57$

Good morning!  I have not posted in awhile, but I have read alot of the frustrations this disease does to the ones who have it and the ones who are taking care of them!!  I admire each and everyone of you who are doing this job!!!  I hate we all have to be here!! I wanted to start out with kinds words, because I am sure some of you are having a stinky day. So remember you are doing a great job!!! Right now things are fine with us, but anyone who knows things can change in a heartbeat!!  So my questions is?? Does anyone still sleep with their mate??  Right now we are still sleeping together, he has had a few moments that he would not want me to sleep with him.  I am trying to prepare myself for the unexpected to see if I need to go ahead and order 2 twin XLs and put them both in the same room, and if he and when he does say I don't want you here I can just take my bed to another room..  Any thoughts???  

Thank you!

Ed1937

My wife and I still sleep together. I guess you should ask yourself why you are asking this question. Is there reason to think you'd be better off in twin beds?

Whyzit

I just signed in to talk about sleeping separately and Bingo, you beat me to it. Lol

The difference is DH doesn’t want twin beds. I desperately need them because he jiggles (moves frequently), chews on cough drops and uses a Cpap which he hooks onto the knob on his nightstand when getting up to use the bathroom. His Cpap registers almost 14 hours of use a night. He usually takes 3 naps a day but rarely feels rested. Waiting on results of sleep study. Already talked with his Geri/psych about the movements. She asked if he would consent to another review by a movement specialist. DH said no. She asked if his movements bothered him. He said “ not at all.” Geri/psych said I guess he doesn’t have a problem.

He wants me to take pills to make me sleep and use ear plugs so I don’t hear him. I am hard of hearing, wear hearing aids and have a captioned telephone. What a joke this conversation was. I told him I had just hoped he would understand, he replied I really hurt him. 

How sad these challenges are. I need good quality sleep. Planning on converting our craft room back into a bedroom for me. It just shows how Alzheimer’s robs individuals of the ability to consider others needs and feelings. It’s all about them.

Lp57$

Ed1937, I still want to sleep my with DH..  Right now he complains about the mattress we have because it will not let him sit on the edge of without sliding off.. That was one reason.. The other we had a situation last week where he thought I was a man.. His hallucinations are bad sometimes.  I was just laying in the bed and he said "Who the h*** are you? and went back to the living room.  He accused me of being a man so I just went into the other bedroom, which I could not sleep because of that bed and I have been used to  being with him.. He finally came to his senses, but I know these memories are only getting worse.. A lot of the time he thinks I'm his girlfriend than his wife.  I don't know a lot of the times what to do, and I am just trying to prepare my heart or my mind for what comes next..

Quilting brings calm

My parents bought a super fancy bed that is actually two twin beds that can be put together or separated. Comes with remotes to raise the head or foot of each bed, under bed lights, etc. 

When they first got them, they were together and then pushed apart. Mom was afraid of Dad in her delusional state ( UTI).  When they got to the assisted living center, they were still pushed apart.  When we moved them to a 2 bedroom, the beds went to the smaller bedroom because the former residents family left the master bedroom furniture.  Mom took that bedroom. Dad took the smaller one.  The beds were still apart, but at some point have been pushed together. Most likely for space reasons.  Mom tends to wander into Dads bedroom at night because she wakes up confused and afraid. She then goes back to sleep with Dad. 

The reason they went to a two bedroom - they weren’t coping  well during the Covid restrictions. The director thought they would do better with their own spaces, and I thought so too.  

Lp57$

whyzit, I can completely understand why you want separate beds... Sometime my DH has nightmares and he screams out, which scares the heck out of me!!!  Everyone situation is different, like I said before, I am trying to prepare myself..  I wish you the best in making your decision.. 

Lp57$

Quilting brings calm, we have 2 twin XL just like that.. They burned up in our house fire we had last year..  My DH did not like them at all.. He did not like raising up and down, i guess because he kept getting confused on how to work it.  He gets so confused now on how to use the remote on the tv..  If I do get one, I will get just the standard and we can always push them together.  Thanks for the idea

jfkoc

2 XL twins...king sized mattress pad and sheet used until Hospice bed. Now 2xl beds...one has head and foot controls  That I bought for my husband and I do not use and am  ready to move to another room so that I can have a bed skirt again.

Just Ro

Separate beds. Separate rooms.  My DH has urinary incontinence and I have to draw the line at sleeping in a wet bed.  Despite his wearing Depends and having protective bed pads, there is always a flood in the bed by morning.

Jeff86

We are in separate bedrooms.

The initial impetus was when I came home from the hospital after surgery and needed to be able to recover undisturbed.

That was, now, many months ago.  Post recovery, we’ve remained in separate bed rooms.  One reason is my DW’s urinary incontinence which is not always contained by adult diapers.  But on a whole different level, our relationship is so changed by AD that in a way we’re no longer husband and wife but, now, caregiver and cared-for.  When I put my DW to bed each night, tuck her in, and give her a kiss, it is like putting a young girl to bed.  Not like a spouse.

Just my gut-wrenching experience.  

lqadams

Like Just Ro, separate bed and separate room. Incontinence was final straw. The smell was unbearable.  Luckily my husband is basically non verbal and really doesn't care about anything anymore. I took advice from jfkoc and finally ordered Abena abri undies. Expensive,  but if the sheets stay dry then worth it.

lqadams

I apologize.  It was JJAz that recommended the Abena abri disposable undies.

1962ART

I want to plan ahead.  I cannot make the big California King by myself any more.  DH first had Cpap that sometimes kept me awake and now I use one!!  I am headed to twin XL--easier to make beds and I can pull apart if needed.  Finally, if we get to the wet bed stage, I will just have his bed to change and I won't have to sleep in a wet bed.

At this point, we're just very good buddies.  

Cherjer

My husband and I share our CA King bed! I would worry about him if I slept in another bedroom. Our bathroom has no doors and if he awakes at night he can easily go to the bathroom. I do keep our door from our bedroom to the rest of the house "locked" with rubber bands...sounds funny but works. My husband is a deep sleeper and is awake at 6:00 am but I just need another hour. Of course our relationship has changed but just happy to have him by my side and thankful I have time at night to relax! 

Doityourselfer

We have separate beds and separate bedrooms.  My husband is 100% incontinent.  He sleeps in a XL twin bed and it's much easier and faster to wash the bedding for a small bed.  He doesn't notice that we have separate rooms because he's in the severe stage of Alzheimer's.  He doesn't wander so he happens if  to get up during the early hours of the morning he stays in his bedroom.  He doesn't know how to open the bedroom door.

Lp57$

Thank you guys so much for the info!  We have not gotten to bed wetting stages yet, so I do not look forward to that at all!! Yes the relationship has changed for him, but not for me.  I want to be by his side, but has the disease progressives I can see that we might have some problems with sleeping together. I figured if I buy the twin xl keep them in the same room at least he want be lonely and I can help him when he does wake up. He has Parkinson’s also so at times it is hard for him to get up by himself and you guys are right when the bed wetting stage does start I would only have the one bed and I would not be sleeping in it. I appreciate u guys so much!  I am so sorry for all of us!  This disease is so terrible to the person who has it and the people who are taking care of them!! I am thankful for all of ya!!

DrinaJGB

My DH suffered a brain injury over a decade ago from a viral infection which has left him with MCI/mild dementia.After suffering terrible insomnia and night terrors with hallucinations the first year after his hospitalization (4 months--one month comatose on life support) in which neither of us got any sleep--we started sleeping in separate rooms. He gets up several times at night because of neurogeic bladder.My German Shepherd sleeps in the hall between us and lets me know when he is up.It has worked out fine.

DrinaJGB

Boy, can I relate to that Jeff86. Over 11 years and counting.........