Caregiver feeling resentment, need advice

lakehouse1010

Hello! I am new to this forum. I have read several posts and it has been helpful reading other stories and feeling less alone.  My MIL moved in with my husband and I and our three boys two years ago.

Things were pretty good when she moved in.  Since, then it has progressed to moderate.  It has moved to her daily thinking I am "the other woman." I understand this is the disease and this sounds selfish but it's grinding now.  It's a daily conversation and when I come home each day she is off put by me and my presence and when I "the other woman" speak.  It's wearing on me.  I tell myself daily and almost hourly that this is not her it's the disease, it's not personal.  I'm having a hard time like I'm walking on egg shells in my own home.  Our goal was to have her here as long as possible until she needs 24 hr care.  

Even though I try to tell myself daily this is not her, I still feel this deep resentment. Even though she has her own space (bedroom, bathroom, and living area), she's 100% in our space all of the time. Again, that feels selfish but this builds on the resentment I have.  She and I never had a relationship prior to her diagnosis.  My husband and I have been married for 13 years with three precious boys.  We were never a priority in her life. She never tried to get to know me or my boys other than holidays.  That adds to my resentment. 

It seems to go in phases where I feel compassion and released from hate and anger. That will last for a time and then something worsens and I slip back into hate and resentment.  

Now, after venting a little I wanted to know what advice you might have. How do you manage the resentment? or how do you control yourself, your thoughts, and feelings?

Another question is within our home in her own little apartment what might be some suggestions for hiring a sitter or caregiver?  Essentially someone to entertain her 2-3 evenings a week and keep her out of our space and to give us some of our life back. Is that even a thing? Am I being unrealistic?

Thank you anyone who "listens"

dayn2nite2

What was the agreement when she moved in?  When you and your husband agreed (did you agree?) to have his mother move in, was there a time limit put on this?  Was there a discussion about how this person never attempted to be part of your life and now would be in your home indefinitely?

Are there any other siblings who could share the burden?  

Regarding the "other woman" issue what is your husband's method of handling?  Are either or both of your working?  Who would be considered the "primary" caregiver?  

Have you discussed with your husband alternate living arrangements for her?  What does he say?

Two years is a long time 24/7.

M1

Hi LH, sounds like your MIL is "shadowing" you-pwd frequently are uncomfortable being alone because they are so dependent on their LOs to give them orientation clues.  .I see this in my stage 5 partner more and more, and it's becoming a work issue for me. So it's really not surprising that she wants to be in your space instead of hers. I think your idea of hiring a sitter/companion for her is a good one if you plan to keep her home, I would hire as much as you can afford. That said, it certainly sounds like you are fully justified in wanting your life back (dont we all) and in considering other living arrangements for her.  I assume you likely do most of the hands-on care? As unfair as it might be to your boys, you could tell your husband youll move into the extra living space and he can take charge of his mom. Only half joking....

star26

I don’t think it’s selfish to want to be able to relax and feel peace in your own home, or to want to have your own private family space and family time without your MIL present. And the fact that you don’t even have a positive history with this woman makes it worse. What you are feeling is not a weakness on your part - regardless of “it’s the disease” etc. Your feelings are justified. The advice I've been given for managing tough feelings is to acknowledge them and let them be, rather than trying to push them away or trying to talk yourself out of it. "What you resist, persists." The key is to not make them bigger and stronger by ruminating and adding on to the storyline with your thoughts. 

Yes, it’s definitely a thing to hire a caregiver/sitter to get her out of your hair. You can use an agency or hire a private caregiver. You want someone with dementia experience. I found using an agency to be easier but a bit more expensive (and some agencies and caregivers are way better than others). You need to be clear with the caregivers about the rules: they stay in Mom’s apartment. If you need some time away from her during daytime hours, adult daycare is another option. Try everything and keep trying until you find what works. (And she pays for it.) If you don’t do this, I think you’ll be headed for burnout a lot quicker and MIL will be headed for a facility a lot quicker. Even so, it’s not a bad idea to start scouting out some long term care facilities and planting the seed with your husband now to make sure he’s on board with saving his family’s sanity and happiness when you say it's time. The time may even be now. You’ll never have this time again with your children. And once someone hits moderate stage it can really get tough especially with kids. I feel the kids and your nuclear family should be the priority over keeping MIL at home - especially since she was never particularly close or cozy with you or her grandkids. I can see the resentment getting very big otherwise. 

abc123

Hello Lakehouse,

You are not being unrealistic at all. Your MIL will only get worse. You and your husband need to communicate with each other about this situation. If you and she were not close to start with, this could possibly damage or destroy your marriage. How is she towards your children. My mom got to be very mean to the children in our family and we all decided to keep her away from them. She grabbed my niece by the arm and twisted it. She hurt my niece who was only about 7 years old at the time. We were all sitting in the family room when this happened. It was a rude awakening. 

You are in a rough spot and I feel your pain. I also took care of my MIL who had Alzheimer's. Bringing in outside help might help. It's worth a try. I'd also start researching facilities in the area. We should always have a plan. Plan A, B and C. There is so much to learn as a caregiver, even when our LO is living in a facility. Welcome to the forum. We have many wise and caring people here. We support each other and learn from each others experiences. Read everything you can about dementia. Read the post here as much as possible. I hope your husband will also educate himself on the subject and not just pass the caregiving problem on to you to deal with. I wish you well. Hang in there. Communicating openly and honestly with your husband in crucial because she is HIS mother but the marriage & children are for BOTH of you. Good luck and let us know how you are.

lakehouse1010

Thank you! Your words were comforting knowing I’m not alone. I truly appreciate your thoughts. I’m so blessed that my husband is so supportive and his priority is our marriage and kids. He’s on board with me saying when it’s time. We are looking at companion care which sounds like it’ll be very helpful at least for the short term.

harshedbuzz

Good luck with "companion care". IME, with dad and with my friend's mom, PWD tend to prefer their "security blanket" person and will still shadow if that person is in the house. Companions tend to work best if you leave or if they go on an outing together. 

HB

Lindsay22

I'd also like to suggest that perhaps AL or MC would be a better situation for her AND your family.  If you weren't ever close and she has an issue with you specifically perhaps AL and the social environment it provides might actually improve her quality of life.  I know that if my mom could afford it I would have had her in AL a year ago.  The idea that staying at home with you for as long as possible is best may not be true. Also as far as your children are concerned it may be easier and less traumatic for them to make brief visits to an AL facility than to have her in your home until the absolute limit of home care.  Additionally, their mother will likely be more attentive, less stressed, and happier! Think about what is best for everyone not just the PWD and challenge the idea that your home is the only place that your MIL may have a higher quality of life.

Wilted Daughter

This is a predicament, but feelings of resentment is not uncommon. If you were not that close to start then some of her behaviors are ingrained which the Dementia just magnifies. If you have siblings perhaps a schedule can be made to get her out of the house and into a new environment a couple times a week (sleep over, day stays, etc.) If that's not possible elders services in your area may have day events for socialization, activities, etc. which your siblings may be able to help with transportation. 

My mother and one of her siblings, in particular, talk about me on the phone. They all like to take about other people in general but to talk about me when I'm doing my best to keep her in the community is difficult to ignore. I've decided to take the high road by setting boundaries for myself, and seeking assistance with caregiving...not easy.  If you can have anyone come into the home (VN, PT, OT, etc.) this will provide attention from another source. Some PCAs may provide companionship services. Weekly time apart is good for everyone, if she can't leave the home maybe you guys can get away and have someone come stay with her. 

I wish you well in whatever you decide.