Lying to person with memory issues

Janexists

I have always been open and truthful, so I find it morally distressing to lie, even though I know it is for the best.  My never married aunt lived alone for 60 years in a 5 story walk-up apartment in big city far from me.  My cousins & I are her remaining relatives.  She had a fall on the street & ended up in nursing home because unsafe to go home to her 5 story walk-up apartment.  She wanted to get out of the nursing home, so my cousin (bless him) who lived near her, was able to convince her to give him & me  financial & medical POA, and come to my city to live in Assisted Living "temporarily" to "regain her strength" in early 2020 because it was much cheaper than the big city assisted living facilities.  This spring she was diagnosed with early dementia.  It is obvious she will not be able to return to her apartment, and she has to use a walker for mobility.

We both tried to get her to relinquish her apartment, consolidate her finances, and prepay burial expenses but were met with great resistance. She has insisted on continuing to pay rent & utilities on her apartment.

Her finances we a mess, unpaid bills, etc.  I have been gradually having her financial information changed to on-line access only, and her bills paid electronically.  She has not noticed the drop off in mail. Fortunately in earlier times she had made some good investments, but had many different accounts in many different financial institutions. I am trying to consolidate these to one financial entity for ease in management.  

Long story short, this summer 2 of my cousins, spouses &I cleaned out her apartment and gave notice.  Cost us money to fly to the big city,, get hotel, etc. It was a huge mess, took us 4 days and cost us $4000+ to have all the junk hauled away.  It was obvious she has been a hoarder for some time & not caring for herself.  There was no food there, clothes were worn out or damaged, there was nothing of value except for family photos & letters, & costume jewelry & souvenirs from her world travels.  We had to go through everything and shred identifying papers.  We had to throw out all her slides of all her travels because she didn't label them.  So to recover those wouldn't have been of any value.  But I felt bad throwing them out.

Pretty obvious she has been slipping for some time.  She doesn't know her apartment and things are gone, and wants to go home to her apartment all the time.  She can't walk without a walker. So I have to keep reminding her she has to be able to walk without the walker in order to go "home" because of all the stairs.  Some family members are appalled that we relinquished my aunt's apartment & threw out her stuff without her permission or knowledge.  I hope no one feels compelled to inform her, though I have explained the necessity of what we did was for her benefit to conserve her finances.  I have to keep telling myself this, too.  I really hate having to not be completely truthful with her, dancing around the subject, and changing the subject etc.  THAT is what is most stressful to me.

loveskitties

So sorry for your dilemma.  Unfortunately what is the best for a person is not always what they want or can understand.  

She is fortunate to have you and your cousin looking out for her best interests.

Lying or withholding the truth from a dementia patient is difficult for an open and honest person to do, however it can be necessary and actually a kindness.  Moving her from a big city 5 story walk-up is both, as it removing that financial drain.

Others are often judgmental who are not deeply involved.  They only see the surface.  Remind them that she trusted you and your cousin enough to give you POA regarding her circumstances.

The more I see and read, it is like dealing with a child when it comes to how much "truth" they need to know.  

I hope that your aunt soon adjusts to her new surrounding and forgets wanting to go back.  

Wishing you the best with a tough situation.

Ginsamae

I think all of us on this forum have felt that way. I know that I did when MIL first came to live with us; now, after 2 years, the fiblets have started flying off my tongue without a second thought (MOST of the time, at least). I had to keep reminding myself at first that everything DH and I were doing for her we were doing for HER benefit and not for any malevolent purpose - this thought comforted DH a lot once we started digging into his mother's finances and he felt extremely guilty going behind her back (unlike you, we have no POAs because MIL refuses to sign anything except checks and greeting cards.

In all honesty, you are doing what is best for your Aunt. Take comfort in knowing that you are keeping her safe and healthy. If other family or friends snitch on you, so be it - what can your Aunt do about it?  Yes, she'll get upset at you but the dementia will eventually cause her to forget what she was mad at you about. I guess that is a small blessing with this horrible disease.

Fad marie

I too have struggled with lying to my mom and still find myself at times not being able to (due to my own need for reality or simply because of the difficulty of coming up with a new lie).  One of the hardest "lies" I had to come to terms with is that my mom did not want to hear she had Alz.  Early on, I thought it was important for her to acknowledge she had Alz, but I eventually realized that I wasn't helping her by imposing that knowledge on her and if she wanted to call it dementia or "the bomb" then what did it matter?  

The biggest lie lately has been about why she can't have cash.  My mom continually asks for money, and we have had so many lies to try to get her off that topic.  For a while it was "the bank is closed due to covid," but now that we're going out more again, she figures we can go to the bank.  She kind of understands social security (without saying those words) and wonders where "her money" is.  My new lie is telling her that all of her money goes to pay the bills and she doesn't have any extra cash.  Obviously, she will lose cash or we have found that she gives away large chunks to people to be nice, I guess.  She gave my sister $100 just because.  And while that's nice, it's not financially prudent, as you are saying with all the decisions you had to make with your aunt's apartment.  As others have said, people who are not closely involved do not always understand the decisions we make with our LOs with Alz, but we are just trying to do our best for them financially and personally.  Long-term care can get very expensive and, while unfortunate, sometimes we have to make hard decisions based on what we can afford.  Of course, I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to tell your aunt whatever you need to tell her to distract her from thinking she can go back to her apartment. 

If your aunt is like my mom, she will keep asking and you will have to keep lying.  My mom has been asking about cash, almost weekly, for over a year now.   One thing that I did find to help is figuring out why she wanted cash.  She was initially evasive about it (kudos to her) and would just say that it was her business and she didn't have to tell me.  Eventually, she mentioned her brother (who she used to help out financially before Alz), and then I told her that we still help him financially.  Her demeanor changed immediately.  She showed so much relief.  So that clearly was part of why she kept asking for money.  Now, whenever she asks for money, I remind her of that and the relief is immediate.  Perhaps there is some relief you can give your aunt as you work with the lies/truth about her apartment.  

King Boo

We lie because we care about them.  

Because we know that logical reasoning is in the past - and we know that the truth upsets and hurts.

Because the disease makes proper processing of loss and grief impossible for them.

Because if we tell the truth, we cruelly make them relive bad news, over and over.

Because we are responsible caregivers, we realize that our job is now to evaluate and manage the person so they can be their 'best as can be'.

We leave behind morality lessons about the truth because we realize those were only partial lessons, rooted in normal function.  There is nothing normal about the dementia journey.  If we do not, we become mean, unkind, inflexible caregivers.

Headnod and many thanks to Long Ago Grassflower:

  THE BEST ANSWER IS THE ONE THAT BRINGS THE MOST COMFORT

JJ401

We had a wonderful neighbor who lived alone. She was 97 and sharp. But, then Covid hit and severely restricted her visitors and limited her ability to get out. Covid took a mental and physical toll. She fell and ended up in the hospital and then rehab. 

It's not safe for her to be home alone. So she's stuck at the nursing home. She believes that if she can get stronger she can come home. Not going to happen. Her nephew (there are no kids and he has poas) sold the house and the new owners move in at the end of the month.

Nephew is not telling her. Last week I visited and she asked about the house. I told her it looked great. The grass was cut. The bushes trimmed. No good would come of her believing that she will never leave where she is. The (unrealistic) possibility of coming home keeps her spirits up. Are nephew, the family, and I lying to her? Yes. Do I think it is right to do so? Yes. No good would come of telling her the house has been sold and most of her possessions have been divided among family.

abc123

It sounds like she had a fabulous life. Wow! A ballerina AND a researcher, in New York no less! Lying is, unfortunately, a big part of this disease. You are doing what’s necessary to care for her properly. As far as family members being appalled by what you have done, they don’t count. Unless they have rolled up their sleeves in some way, shape or form, to help you help her, they don’t deserve a say. Tune them out. I believe your aunt is fortunate to have you and cousin on her team.

Emily 123

Wow.  What a loving thing you've done for your aunt.  I will, perhaps, be at the mercy of my own nieces and nephews as time goes by.  I hope that if the time comes and I'm incapacitated that they can make as soft a landing for me.  You've done good work.  Don't let the idiots get you down!  

Iris L.

You and your cousin are angels.  I applaud you!  You are doing the right things.  

Iris L.

The4thOne

As it was mentioned from all of the loving caregivers here, any of us who have had to deal with any form of memory loss has shared and angst over these moments.  Good or bad, it does get easier to do because you will grow out of the guilt that comes with these kinds of decision and grow into getting more more comfortable with the decisions you and your cousin made - that it was the best way to keep her safe and getting her the care she needs.  But right now, do and say what you need too, remembering that the best response may not feel good, but it hurt her more to hear the truth, than it will for,you to tell her a 'fiblet'  and that you are keeping away any traum.

wyoming daughter

It's hard to go against everything you have been taught growing up in regard to truthfulness, but you are not really lying, you are protecting, it is a fine art that you will become very good at.  Keeping your loved one safe and calm are the most important things now, and sometimes it takes fibbing.  It will get easier.  I had a very hard time with it too, as most.  You are doing the right thing.