The struggle

Karras_granddaughter

I guess I am just writing so that someone else hears me on this, as I can see clearly that this is a supportive forum. 

My grandmother has VD and I'm very involved with her care. The process of trying to get her into MC is absolutely killing me. I am feeling guilty all the time not only about the fact that she needs to get in there and she will hate it, but also, that I don't have the funds available to pay for it. So many places are asking for funds upfront or for two years prior to taking Medicaid, which is out of my reach (and hers). I always promised her that I would care for her, the guilt of this, as well as the overall situation (while also dealing with some medical stuff of my own, a full time job, and some financial challenges in my own family) feels like its is breaking me down. 

How do all of you cope with this craziness without absolutely collapsing yourself? I feel like I am doing everything that I can do and my spouse keeps reminding me of that, but it doesn't seem to get through. I'm curious what other caregivers are doing to keep going day by day. I would not wish watching this on my absolute worst enemy. 

Stuck in the middle

Welcome aboard, granddaughter.  I'm not an expert, but I have dealt with this for a while.

I remind myself that I didn't cause this problem and I can't fix it, so I am just doing the best I can.  You didn't cause her dementia, and you aren't the reason she doesn't have a million bucks in the bank.  It is not your fault.

I remind myself that placing a LO in a NH isn't abandonment, it is getting professional help for better care than I can personally provide.  You don't do her dentistry, do you?

Finally, I have borrowed the Serenity Prayer from AA.  I pray for the courage to change what I can, the patience to accept what I cannot, and the wisdom to know the difference.

You are a good person.  

M1

I'll say welcome also.  Are your parents around?  I'm curious as to why it's falling to you, though certainly I can understand circumstances that might make that necessary.  You have indeed found a supportive place.  Read a lot of different threads, it will help give you perspective and insights.....

Karras_granddaughter

Yes, for sure. My mom is around and the primary caregiver, thankfully. I was partially raised by my grandmother and really am a strong advocate and voice. I'm also a really good person to do things like call around and stuff. I would say that I am the strong voice that gets things done if that makes sense. But it also puts a lot of pressure on me, I think, to be the one that stays organized and is always fighting, making these phone calls, crying on the phone to the poor advocate (she is the best). 

I just am so exhausted with the worry. I know that she is going to completely freak out when she goes into MC and its going to be freaking terrible. 

abc123

I think it’s wonderful that you are involved with your grandmothers care, I hope your mother appreciates you. I was also very involved in my grandmothers care and I have never regretted a minute of my time. It’s nice that your husband reminds you that you are doing everything possible for her. 

I realize how difficult placing her will be. I still remember the day my mother, my sister and I left Grannie at her facility. I remember the look on her face and the pain in my stomach. We did it because we loved her deeply. It sucked. None of us wanted to do it. My dad didn’t want to do it either. We had to do it for her own safety and ours too. She had started to wander and she had set two fires. One inside and one outside.

No matter how much we reason with each other and with ourselves, this won’t be easy. This pain you are feeling is natural and normal, it’s part of the love you have for her. I’m sorry you have to experience this part of love. You are doing the right thing and you are doing it for the right reason. I wish you well. Please let us know how you are doing. You are not alone, you have us. 

Chris2337

Yes, it is quite the undertaking to find a MC facility. I am the only child and had to learn all about Medicare, secondary insurance, doctor's appointments, etc. We were lucky to have my mom live with us for over a year. However, with the progression of the dementia and the water on the brain, it only accelerated everything. She retired from teaching at the university in November 2019. As of March 2021 we had no choice but to place her in MC after she collapsed. Myself, daughter, son in law and grandson all lived under the same roof. I am sure you have already experienced the walking on eggshells or just knowing where she is or what she is doing. It was a difficult decision, but the right one. She has 24/7 care-something we could not provide at home any longer. 

Now we are in the recovery phase of putting our lives back together. For me, I still feel some guilt putting her there after 5 months, but the person that is residing there is not my mom anymore. She looks like her, but her brain will not ever improve. She does recognize me, but conversations are difficult since she has hearing aids and I end up yelling which takes me back to a bad place when she lived with us.

I don't know what the answer is-each of us is on their own path-with no instruction manual to follow. It just consumes you and puts so much stress on the family. This is a good place for ideas and to read what others journey is like. God bless you and good luck with your search!