To tell or not to tell(1)

bozowing

I'm sure some of you were able to try and explain to LO they have dementia, if so, any tips.  Also, my dad doesn't know it, but his doctor already did the paperwork to have his license remove; he has no business on the road anymore.

I know if I try to tell him and why, it will be a major blow up since he keeps bringing up getting a car.  Any advice how to proceed or just leave it alone and change subject when appropriate?

M1

I'd leave it alone BW.  It's a hard lesson to learn to limit your communication and not try to reason with your LO like you would with anyone else, but necessary.  He likely won't remember anything you say, and won't process it.

Quilting brings calm

You do need to tell him he can’t drive because he doesn’t have a license… and therefore has no valid insurance. Then do what you can do to prevent him driving anyway.  Sell the car if you can, disable it if you can’t, keep control of keys to other people’s vehicles.

As to trying to explain his condition to him… he probably won’t process it.  My Mom has been told by her doctor that she has dementia , but she didn’t seem to process  it prior to that, at the the time or since.  She still thinks this is temporary and that she should be getting better, not worse.  Last night, I spent 15 minutes trying to get her to understand why one of her medications had been changed. Even though she had been demanding that I do something to make things better. Got nowhere. Thankfully, her medication is managed by the ASL, so she  will be taking the new one anyway. It’s not going to change her dementia, but hopefully she will be less anxious and depressed. 

Fad marie

When my mom was dx in 2017, she was still pretty coherent and communicating well, but when she read the paperwork from the neuropsychologist who did the evaluation, she did not want to accept that it was Alz.  The dx was "dementia of the Alzheimer's type" and she completely ignored the latter part.  She just wants to call it dementia.  She would even get combative if I'd tell her she had Alz early on... so my advice is, what's the point of telling him?  It just made my mom upset and she would forget, too.  Even recently when I've mentioned Alz, my mom will say, "How come you didn't tell me I had that?"  

As for driving, we wanted my mom to stop driving right away but she refused.  She did an evaluation to see if she was still able and she passed!  After about 6 months, she suddenly told me that she no longer wanted to drive.  She had an experience in the car where she got confused when turning on the car (she was alone in the car) and it scared her enough to turn over her keys and license.  That was amazing insight on her part, and I'm thankful it didn't come to us just taking the keys from her.  

With your dad, I support changing the subject/lying/whatever it takes to avoid the blow-up.  I know that I've used covid many times as an excuse for my mom and why she can't do certain things.  You could tell him that he can't get a new car right now because of covid restrictions.  It doesn't even have to make sense as an excuse, my mom didn't really know and it usually worked because she knew covid was serious.  

End-of-rope

I tried to explain to my mom her diagnosis, but when she hears dementia she screams that she is not crazy and she has an outburst of rage.  I also tried to explain to my mom that she was in a facility (she's in MC) because she has an "illness" (without any mention of the kind of illness) and they can take better care of her than I could as I work full time.  Same outburst of total rage.  So I've decided to leave it alone and not mention it anymore.

Emily 123

There are a lot of threads about this very thing--you may want to browse around...many advocate to take it on a case by case basis.  If your loved one is at a point where their short term memory isn't functioning well (which means they can't 'file' information away into long-term memory), then it may be easier to talk generally about memory loss and skip discussing a diagnosis.  It is a distressing diagnosis.  If it's constantly brought up the person with dementia may not retain the conversation or information, but will retain the stress they feel.  It serves no purpose if they are beyond being able to make reasonable plans for themselves or retain the information.

Rescue mom

Many of them cannot comprehend, or immediately forget, any rational explanation of why they can’t drive. “You don’t have a license” or “insurance won’t cover you” works with some, but not others. “You have dementia” or “you don’t remember signs or directions” usually leads to worse arguments. 

Then you move on to things like “the car is broken.” If he wants to get repairs, or to get a new car, say something like “ok, we will do that..” when the price goes down, when the car he wants is available, when the store is open,  when you have enough time to help, when the finance come through, etc etc. whatever works as a delay. Change the subject. Then, hopefully, he’ll forget about it for a while. Next time, just repeat. 

At this point, most cannot move beyond talking about it. They can’t comprehend the process or do what’s needed to actually carry it out.

Some people disable the car, or move it somewhere else (out of sight, out of mind).

I never really tried to explain Alzheimer’s to my DH. He heard the diagnosis, and appeared to accept it, no problem. I now think it just did not mean anything to him. He himself will say  he has memory problems, and that’s the term I use if needed. No need to beat them over the head with more, mine could not understand it anyway. 

mommyandme (m&m)

I heard a great idea yesterday about “disabling” the car. The daughter had an extra notch carved out of the key so it simply wouldn’t start the car.  Dad wouldn’t notice that although he would be able to put the cables back on the battery etc…

Yogini72

@bozowing...I went through this with my mom about a year ago when she was diagnosed with mild dementia but her short-term memory was terrible.  I agree with the other posters; You're wasting your time and (emotional) energy trying to explain to your LO that they have dementia, and it's a very tricky situation if your LO is still driving.  My mom ignored or couldn't remember her diagnosis even when I tried to explain it to her.  As for the driving - let the doctor and the DMV take the blame.  My mom refused to give up her keys even though I knew of at least two times she got disoriented and lost but thankfully got home without incident (beyond being upset and teary - before she forgot about the experience).

I had her neurologist file the paperwork with the DMV and she told my mom she was obligated to recommend that her license be revoked because of safety issues to other drivers.  While my mom wasn't happy about losing her license, she accepted that her doctor said that she couldn't put others at risk.  As an aside, my husband and I tried using the no license/no insurance explanation but my mom couldn't follow/couldn't remember the logic of this argument. Another option is to go in for the required driving test and let the DMV fail your dad.  Make sure you take all sets of car keys.  I didn't need to resort to disabling my mom's car but that's a great idea.  I also had someone who ran errands and do the grocery shopping for my mom so she didn't "need" to drive anymore.

One more point that I've seen posted on this message board that may help - if a person with dementia (and/or no driver's license) gets into an accident the liability it creates for you and your family is a nightmare and can potentially drain your family financially.  Good luck and I hope this helps!