Sexual contact in MC

ADH77

Yesterday, my mother's MC called to tell me that a caregiver found my mom in another male resident's room with his pants down and my mom was touching him. The incident had happened late the prior day, and neither party remembered it the next day (my mom is like stage 6 dementia now). MC reported the incident to social services and said that they would take measures to have my mother and this other resident socialize together only in public areas.

I wasn't quite sure how to feel about this. On the one hand, it doesn't really bother me. It seems harmless so long as this other person wouldn't physically harm my mother or have an STD that could complicate her treatment. I consider myself open-minded about sexuality, so based on my own values, there's nothing wrong here.

However, I know my mother's values prior to dementia were different than mine. She claimed to have never had sex outside of marriage. And after my father died 15 years ago, she never dated another man (to my knowledge). 

But do those values matter now? She is a different person now because of the dementia, so basing how I should react (or the MC) on her values prior to her illness doesn't seem right either. Just as we know to go along with LOs' delusional thinking (so long as it's harmless) rather than constantly correct them, maybe this is something else to just go along with?

King Boo

I greatly admire your go with the flow understanding of the changes of dementia.  Your loving acceptance will go far.

However, this situation isn't really yours to 'call'.  The safety, health and well being of their residents is the responsibility of the facility.  

The facility is full of cognitively impaired residents, presumably who need proxy to represent their interests.  Loss of inhibitions is part of this disease; however, allowing sexual activity to occur would open the facility to liability.

STD's are also a health concern.

Stuck in the middle

I hope social services doesn't create a problem.  Otherwise, I think it's too bad the MC separated them.  They aren't harming anyone.  

One could argue that they aren't mentally with it, but that is also true of teenagers when they are so engaged.  At least with seniors no one gets pregnant.

ladyzetta

When my 90 yr old DH was in MC he was one of 3 men along with 15 ladies. He loved all the attention he was getting. I would come in to visit and there he would be on the couch with a lady on each side of him all holding hands. As soon as one lady got up another one would sit down. I though this was so sweet because it brought comfort to all of them. This facility was small so it was not a problem with the residents wandering into the wrong rooms. If so, so be it, they would not be in the wrong room for long before one of the aides took notice.

Stuck in the middle

There are a lot more old ladies than old men.  Life isn't fair.  Just when I get to the age I would as soon go fishing . . .

ADH77

Thanks for the replies. I appreciate the comments. Another aspect I thought of is the issue of consent. Can people with dementia give informed consent? I don't think they can. Which is a reason why I think the facility's decision to separate them is probably a good one, even if it seems otherwise "harmless."

JJ401

They have separated them, so this specific couple will not be together. And since there are more women than men in most memory care places, your mom may not have the opportunity again. But, unless the staff is vigilant this will happen again with a different female partner. Intimacy is a human need.

I hope the family of the next female partner has your attitude.

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Stuck in the middle

The difference is that both parties are impaired and I understand that the pleasure was mutual.  We don't even know which person initiated this interaction.  Sexual abuse of a child involves an adult who exploits a child.  Two children exploring or "playing doctor" does not qualify as child abuse.  

You may be right that old people shouldn't enjoy intimate contact.  I just find myself feeling empathy for two people who have lost everything being denied their affection for one another.  

Michael Ellenbogen

How doe we know for sure that people with dementia cannot give informed consent? Some may if we only took the time to try to explain it and really take the time to understand them. Ll because you may not be able to make sense of it does not make it wrong. I have spoken to many that their relatives thought they could no longer communicate and they made perfect sense if you just slow down to their speed and difficulties. There is a person in there and they have the same needs as all of us.

Lsjogren56

Have a similar situation that occurred when we recently transferred mom to mc and it is by far the hardest part of this disease I have had to deal with. My mother has been a devout Christian her entire life and would be absolutely horrified at her own behavior. I am thankful she doesn’t seem to feel shame - but this is really testing my own faith as to how this could be happening to her. Dr prescribed risperidone and it is helping some. I’m concerned at the number of drugs we have added over last few months, Zoloft, Lorezapam for aggressive behaviors and risperidone for the sexual behavior.  It’s not what I want for her. Wondering about ditching all meds and starting over a geriatric psychiatrist. Other risk is that in process of their petting session my mom fell and hurt her wrist. Caused trip to ER.

Fad marie

ADH77, I tend towards your thinking on this one.  If it were my mom in this situation, I think I'd be okay with her having sexual contact with another person in MC.  The issue of consent is odd, of course, but it doesn't seem like an exploitative situation if both people have dementia.  It seems they're on equal footing, like two children "playing doctor" as someone else here said.  Dementia is brutal and if some hanky panky brings some joy, I think that's probably most important.  I guess there is the risk of STIs, but as we say with a lot of health issues for people with dementia, so be it.