Husband inappropriate looks at daughter

Marilyn11

Although I have been reading your posts for years I just joined.  Thank you for the help and advice. My husband is 78, I am 64, we have been married for 35 years.  We have a 27 yr old daughter living 1 1/2 hours away, who visits every other weekend.  My husband has two married daughters living 2000 miles away. My DH was diagnosed with MCI in April 2016. He has always scored 27-28 on the mini cog test, last month he dropped down to 24, I have noticed a decline in the last 7 months. We have all of our paperwork done, POA, estate planning etc.

Something disturbing happened the last time our daughter visited. She has a very nice figure and is pretty, she usually wears those tight yoga pants.  She was lying on the floor with her back to her father.  He was staring at her derrière, when she walked by he was checking out her bottom again. Then we were in another room, she left and my husband was checking out her bottom yet again. He has never done anything like this before.  Although I understand he is not in his right mind, I am concerned.  I know that he can decline rapidly or not, who knows, but what happens when he doesn’t recognize her as his daughter and tries to make a move on her?  I was going away for a fun weekend with my friends and she was going to stay with him, but not now.

I told her that she needs to wear a long tee shirt to cover her derrière and alway have a fully charged phone with her when she is in the house (thanks to the advise I read on this board).  She guessed why I told her that.  I also told her that if her Dad ever said or did anything inappropriate that she needs to come get me, leave the house, call 911, or protect herself.  If he wasn’t my husband or her father he would be packing his bags, the look was way to inappropriate.

I would love your thoughts.

Ed1937

Marilyn, I'm sorry this is happening. I think you should let his doctor know about this. You can write a note to the doctor, give it to the desk clerk (or mail it), and ask that the doctor read it before seeing your husband. Medication might help here.  If he is prescribed new medication, he does not have to know what it is for. In the meantime, tell your daughter exactly what you described to us, and ask her not to wear the yoga pants when she visits.

Mint

Agree with both above.  Your husbands brain is broken, daughter needs to be aware of how she dresses around him to not cause any extra added stress for all of you.

harshedbuzz

Marilyn-

I am sorry for your pain.

It would be best for you to accept that your husband's brain is broken. The MMSE is a quick and dirty screening that can tease out some aspects of brain damage but misses others. Some people, especially those with a fair amount of cognitive reserve can do reasonably well on it for a long time leaving us to think they're more with it than they are. My own dad did "as expected for a man his age/education level" about 6 months before his brain forgot how to swallow. He could do serial subtraction but not use the toilet routinely. 

Dad made the moves on one of my nieces in the middle of the night pre-diagnosis; dad was diagnosed late in the game because mother fought us against it. Niece threw him out, locked the door and was absent from their lives for several years because my mom blew her off. Good for you taking this seriously. How did your DD react to it? Does she understand the behavior comes from a diseased brain?

In retrospect, I think dad was time traveling. With dementia, he spent a lot of time in the 1970s- he asked after people he knew then, talked about preparing lesson plans and tried to find his really creepy clothes from that era. I think he confused my niece for someone else (my mother who she resembled back in that 1970s era) and I think maybe your husband did too. Odds are, he may have thought she was a younger version of you.

I would be careful about banning the yoga pants. Women of your daughter's generation sometimes react strongly to body shaming and dress codes; it would be best if she arrived at that decision on her own. Besides, I have seen MWD "come on" to women dressed in scrubs, sweats and all manner of unisex attire. My father was inappropriately flirty with waitstaff and women in stores. He told horribly incriminating conflated stories about his own exploits. There came a time when dad's world got smaller because of his behavior. We did try medication- as many here suggest. Dad was on a cocktail of 2 SSRIs, an atypical antipsychotic and androgen deprivation therapy (aka "chemical castration") for prostate cancer and he was interested in the opposite sex until the day he died. Dad was hitting on the SLP who came to access his diet hours before he passed. 

HB

Marilyn11

Thank you all for your valuable advice. I will use your suggestions. There are so many understanding people on this forum, I value your advice.  I know that if I told people who know my DH about this episode they would think I was crazy for being concerned.

Stuck in the middle

It sounds to me like he is losing his filters.  A pretty, young woman with a nice figure in tight clothing is going to be noticed by a lot of men.  Most of us, actually, except blind, gay, and very newly wed.  Most of us have long ago learned to look discreetly.  Your husband has lost that ability to be subtle.  

Did you ever watch The Golden Girls, in which the eldest of the "girls" had suffered a stroke and blurted out what she really thought?  It was pretty funny on TV, not so much when it happens at home.

DrinaJGB

I have read that this can be a sign of Lewy Body dementia--there are an accumulation of the Lewy Bodies in the temporal cortex that lead to sexually inappropriate behaviors..

Marilyn11

Yes, he did check out other women before his diagnosis sometimes he was subtle other times he wasn’t.  But he never checked out his own daughter before even subtly.  This is different behavior on his part.

Marilyn11

Thank you for that thought.  I don’t think that he has Lewy Body Disease from what I know of the symptoms.  But I will talk to his doctor about that.

loveskitties

Does he actually understand that she is his daughter?

I know my Dad knows some of the family as "friendly faces" but has no concept of family relationships.  We are just "people".

DrinaJGB

He may not realize she is his daughter. When my DH was in neuro rehab after 4 months in hospitals; one month in coma- our daughter went to see him by herself. She told me he kept calling her my name and asking her to marry him; he thought it was me only younger. He was not inappropriate just wanted to marry me all over again.Kept telling her "let's get married right now!" It's a tricky business trying to decipher these tangled up cerebral train wrecks.

abc123

Marilyn, I would also be concerned. Please try to remember that he had brain damage. He very well may think he’s looking at you. There’s no telling what he’s seeing in his mind. I think you are wise to take the steps you have taken. I wish you well.

Crushed

No problem with the discussion of behavior or the need for care.  DW is young and attractive for an Alzheimers unit and I certainly had to take action on occasion.   I am however troubled by the term "inappropriate"  A lion eating an intruder may be dangerous but not inappropriate.  A demented patient in DWs facility defecated on a chair.  Its messy and a problem but IMHO  it is not "inappropriate"   Inappropriate is  a highly judgmental word being applied to people with no judgment.  

The behavior is certainly undesired and or Unacceptable  and  that emphasizes the observer  rather than the demented person.

Marilyn11

Thank you all for your replies, all input is welcome.  Yes he does know that she is his daughter, at least right now he does.  When he was staring at her derrière, he probably didn’t realize that fact.  It was just a cute derrière.  My concern, as I mentioned, is keeping her safe when he doesn’t know that she is his daughter and may do something harmful to her. 

Dear Crushed, I don’t understand why you would mention that you were troubled by the word inappropriate.  Here I am posting for the first time because I am upset and concerned about my daughter potentially being hurt by her father because several times he looked at her derrière! I don’t understand you voicing your opinion about my word, I do understand why you thought it. In my humble opinion my word was justified.  Why don’t we agree going forward to not comment on my choice of words and I won’t comment on your choice of words.  Your comments about any problems I may have is most welcome. 

Gig Harbor

Marilyn I agree with you. I also would have used the word inappropriate. My husband has never looked at our daughter that way but you have given me a heads up to be on the lookout for this. He no longer knows I am his wife so I have no idea who he thinks she is. Just when you think you have a handle on their behavior they take another step downhill.

Marilyn11

Gig Harbor, thank you.