Stuck in the grief

JDancer

Dementia has taken so much- my husband (all but his physical presence), my future, my money, my piece of mind, etc.  All the loss had led to overwhelming grief. It's a grief most people can't understand, so I bear it alone. There is no ritual associated with this type of loss and very little support (in my case). I can't get passed it. I bounce between anger and depression, struggling to reach acceptance.

Do others feel this way? How have you overcome? Suggested resources/reading?

Thank you in advance, this forum has been a lifesaver.

Jeff86

In case you’re not familiar with her work, Pauline Boss has written extensively about ‘ambiguous loss,’ where the person is both here and gone, where there is no closure, where there is grief without the formalities and rituals we have around death.

It’s more a useful framework for understanding what we’re all going through as caregivers for PWDs—no real solutions.  Boss also talks about the ‘myth of closure.’ Definitely worth a read, in my opinion, if you’re grappling with the trials and tribulations of your life as a caregiver and the pain of the loss of your LO.  (Aren’t we all?)

abc123

I struggled with anger for a very long time. Over the years it seems to have faded but occasionally it sneaks up on me and I have a fit of rage. It’s always when I’m alone at home. I don’t think the depression will ever leave me. I take an antidepressant twice a day. It helps me to cope better but I’m still very sad for my LO with Alzheimer’s. When I think about the strong possibility that I may also develop it, I get very mad. 

I hope you have better days ahead.

Paris20

For two months I participated in a grief and loss support group online. It was not a bereavement group. It had broader inclusion. We were a motley crew but it worked. We found common ground in our loss. Some, like me, were experiencing a slow loss, bit by bit. Others had lost family because they turned to substance abuse. Others had lost  a loved one. For me it was my niece. One thing that Covid has done is create more opportunities for online counseling. I cannot leave my house unless DH goes with me. He shadows me constantly. My group understood that he’d appear from time to time. Still, it was helpful during that two month period. Alzheimer’s support groups are out there too, of course, but with the pandemic my choices were limited.

DrinaJGB

I call it frozen grief. You cannot move forward you are frozen in time. It is so vastly different from regular grief that everyone experiences with loss of loved ones. During this journey I have lost my brother and father and over time it gets easier, but not with this. The subject of your loss cannot be described, and nobody understands what you have lost. Not really. You have lost that one person who knew you better than anyone else--and now you are lucky if they know you at all. It seems to be a kind of eternal loss for which there is no reparation. Not in this world, anyway.

JDancer

Such helpful comments and suggestions. It's so nice to be understood.

I will look into Pauline Boss. I will see if there is a general grief support group in my area. Zoom doesn't work well for me because DH is always looking over my shoulder. In person groups were getting ready to resume in my area, but then the county reissued the mask mandate.

Thank you one and all.

Buggsroo

I get the slow grief thing. I look at my husband and don’t see the man I married, the sharp witty man who made me weep with laughter. I see this shuffling unsure man who repeats himself over and over. Little vestiges of him are left and surface from time to time. This throws me off because I feel like I have sorted my feelings but realize I am just tamping them down. 

I feel rage, anger, deep sadness many times during the day. I feel like I was robbed of a special person, who now makes vulgar remarks about people walking by. Some of them are overweight, he is especially hard on them. I get angry because these people have done nothing to him, and my husband is loud, so they overhear his critiques.