Any advice on what to do with troublesome relatives?

MisterAnon

 Hello.  

 My mother was diagnosed with MCI around 2017. I live with her. She and I have not always gotten along. Her mother had Alzheimer's, so, I know what can happen.  

 Where we are now is she unintentionally let some bills go unpaid. My whole issue is that she is EXTREMELY resistant to any form of help, unless she absolutely can't figure something out. One crisis was adverted, thank you to my father (they are divorced) 

  However another situation has risen and we are back to "Why are you trying to control me? Mind your own business."  I try my very best to say things like "Would you like assistance?" and be very calm. But no matter what I do, she  almost always gets upset. 

 But, what I would like advice on is this: there are two family members. A  man (let's call him Arnold) and a woman (let's call her Sally)  And all my life, they have been a thorn in my side. Sally especially, she is a ticking time bomb and has exploded  many, many times. 

 Arnold is more docile but extremely judgmental and he loves to come to the house unannounced. He has repeatedly been asked politely to not come unless he calls, but there has been no change in his behavior. 

 I realized I was typing the entire story out but here is the critical piece. On a recent unannounced visit, Arnold asked my mother if she had a dictionary. I said we didn't and he pulls his phone out and reads the definition of dementia to my mother. Yep. As he began to read, I talked over him and he got frustrated and left. 

 I have spoken to a few people in the family I am 'okay with' but the general response is, "But that's just how Arnold and Sally are..." And the newest one, "You may not know what's best, we may need to involve them."I feel very unheard and I know in my heart that Arnold and Sally are toxic, controlling, bad people.  

 Sally has 'taken care of' several of her older relatives. I suspect she wants control over my mother. 

 Lastly, for the record, my mother has told me over the past few weeks she doesn't want either of them involved and I learned a few years ago she even blocked Sally from her cell, but I spoke to her and said maybe we should just ignore her calls. But see my mother goes back and forth and I have asked her, are you willing to sign something saying you don't want them involved, and always declines. Anyone have any advice? I was thinking of writing them a short letter or something.  

 I know it in my bones that Sally and Arnold are bad news.  

 

 

loveskitties

First, please change your font color to black and repost.  I had to highlight it to read but that will not help some.

I am sure you will get more responses once that is done.

Thank you

MisterAnon

Oops, not sure how that happened, but it should be fixed now.

loveskitties

Font is fixed!

Are there any legal documents regarding your mother...Durable power of attorney, advanced health care directive?  If not, you need to contact an elder care attorney to see what can be done.

Without her consent, either on existing documents or new ones (if she is competent to sign) you are not in a very good position even though you appear to be closest next of kin.

You have the option of seeking guardianship, but be aware that can be a lengthy and expensive process, particularly if other relatives feel they are better suited for the role.

I sincerely doubt that writing "Sally" and "Arnold" will serve any purpose other than fanning a fire which appears to have already started.

Cynbar

Your letter highlights a bigger issue, that someone will have to be in charge as your mother declines. You may be right that "Sally" is hoping/planning to take over that role, probably to her own advantage. As others have said, legal planning is crucial here. Does your mother have an attorney, and does she have documents in place such as a will and a durable power of attorney? If she does, try to find these documents and see whom they have appointed . If not, make an appointment with an elder law attorney to discuss the situation. It isn't clear from your post if your mother is still competent to execute legal documents, but an attorney can help you sort this out. Are you the most logical person to take this on, or is there another family member who could logically step in before "Sally" takes over? Perhaps your dad can help with the planning, sounds like he is still somewhat involved. But I would get to work on this ASAP.

PickledCondiment

To add to the chorus of other voices, you must consult with an eldercare attorney immediately. Given your mother's deteriorating condition and potential family member intervention, you cannot wait.  I completely understand your situation is overwhelming, been there, doing that currently.  That said, taking control as best you can will provide you with mental and emotional  clarity.  Having legal guidance and a plan going forward will also provide you with information to use when dealing with your situation.

jfkoc

Good advice given. Get that DPOA with you as agent.

Regarding the finances one approach that has worked for others is to tell your mother you are having trouble and would she help you.

Example....you just can't get your bank stuff straight...you need help....this can move to doing yours and hers together.

Get every bill that you can set to automatic payment. Tip...no one at the other end actually know who they are talking to.

MisterAnon

My situation is extremely complicated.

The relative who has POA is deathly ill.

no one else is willing to take this on  and I can't speak to the current POA

As far as I am aware that's the only legal thing ever done.

my mother has said "you can be POA if I need it" but that's as far as it goes.

It's not simple to talk to her about these things. She almost always gets upset.

And yes to be clear, I am an only child and she has no spouse. I am it. 

I have tried talking to my father about Arnold and Sally but he just said the other day I should work with them. He doesn't get it.

I guess I will need to talk to him again and be firm and get this ready. I know I need legal docs keeping arnold and sally out. They are the type to just come knocking pretending they care but just really want control.  

Iris L.

You are sounding passive.  The members are trying to tell you to step up and not be passive.  Your father already told you in effect he does not want to be more involved.  It's on you.  Are you on crutches and disabled?  Once you get the legal paperwork, you can hire others for any physical work that has to be done.  In fact, keep in mind that residential care is always an option.  If your condition is not strong, you might consider an independent living or assisted living two bedroom apartment for yourself and your mom.  

Also, please read about anosognosia.  This is unawareness of having dementia.  If your mom has dementia, trying to talk to her about dementia WILL make her upset.  So don't do that.  You will have to learn work-arounds from the members.  They know the most.  Keep posting and asking questions.

Iris L

Cynbar

You haven't mentioned her financial situation, but if she can afford it, a geriatric care manager could be a big help here. This is a professional, usually a nurse or social worker with a lot of experience, who can evaluate everything, work with you and your mother to come up with a plan, and get you the resources to implement it. You can ask her PCP if they can recommend anyone, google "geriatric care managers near me", contact your local senior center/council on aging, or call your local hospital and speak to a social worker. Insurance doesn't cover this, it's always private pay, but I think it could be a big help to you in sorting this out.. I know you feel overwhelmed, but if you don't do something, I have a feeling "Sally" will be taking over before long.

[Deleted User]

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Quilting brings calm

If your mom is capable, she  can revoke the POA already in existence and name someone else.  That will keep Arnold and Sally out of the picture. I don’t know what you do to revoke a POA, probably a  notarized letter. 

Approach your mom and encourage her to make  you the new POA by telling her that will prevent Arnold and Sally for on interfering in her life. 

You are going to have to stand up to them. 

Once you get POA, then you can deal with her finances.