MIL wakes up asking for dead husband

Cardiffk

This is my first post and we are looking for some help. 

My MIL who has an unspecified dementia frequently wakes up and asks for her husband who's need dead for 15 years. We've tried to give her vague answers, like he's home while you're visiting us, don't seem to help. She wants specifics. And unfortunately she's sharp enough to know when we're not completely honest with her. Which then fuels her agitation and paranoia. Does anyone have any suggestions? 

towhee

Welcome to the forum, sorry you have to be here. I feel for you, this is a hard stage to go through, especially when sometimes they remember the spouse has passed and sometimes not, and you never know which. When she wakes up, does she know she is at your house or does she think she is at home? Did you ever try telling her he had passed, and what was her reaction? I don't recommend that except as a last resort, it can backfire as well as cause her grief.

What we found is that where the spouse was had to be something that fit their life together. We regularly sent my father on a fishing trip, as this was something he did often with his friends and not something they did together, and then apologized profusely because we forgot to tell her.

Cardiffk

We have had to tell her on occasion that he had passed away. This makes her quite sad which breaks our hearts. Unfortunately, they were one of those couples that did everything together so he was never away from her for more than a day. We are really at a loss here.

LicketyGlitz

I've taken both routes when Mom asked for Dad. Sometimes it seemed like she really needed to know, and needed to grieve, so I would tell her. Other times she seemed to ask almost as an afterthought in which case I would answer that he's waiting for her and he'll see her when she's ready.

If this helps, I wrote a post about this very thing!

Dementia Dilemma: Dead People

https://www.stumpedtowndementia.com/post/dementia-dilemma-dead-people