Food delivery & caregiver fights

jnmiller324

I'm struggling to care for my mom long distance. My aunts handle most of her care (groceries, laundry, simple prepped meals, refill pill box, etc), but my mom is getting increasingly angry with one of my aunts in particular & she is now scared to go to my mom's house. We have a caretaker 2 days/week for a few hours, but she is still building rapport with my mom. 

My first question is for recommendations on food delivery services that can be reheated easily. My mother can use a microwave, but struggles to comprehend multi-step directions on things like Lean Cuisines. She cannot cook or use a stove. She refuses to eat anything my aunt makes or buys for her. 

My second question is how to deal with my aunts. I've tried to talk to them and create schedules, plans, rationalize with them, etc but they just make 100 excuses why my ideas don't work. They just complain and won't try anything new or any of the suggestions I offer. They're also mad at me for things none of us have control over, like my mom calling & yelling at them. I've been working with the social worker at the Dr's office, but they say we can't have a group convo about her care until her next appointment in October, which is far too long to wait. 

I said to my mom she needs to move closer to me, but she refuses. I know I have POA & the ability to move her on my own, but I want to respect her wishes. Any suggestions? My aunts refuse to take any classes about care taking or how to communicate with my mom. We also got the caretaker so they would go over less, but they still continue to go to my mom's house daily even though I've told them several times to stop.  

Marta

Jn:  just as soon as you have provided hands-on care for your mother for an extended period of time, you will be better able to evaluate the care she is currently receiving. Until then I would thank your lucky stars that these aunties are willing to visit your mother every day. You would also see that your mother likely should no longer be living alone. 

Long distance caregiving of a PWD is like a recipe for disaster.

jnmiller324

My aunts are starting to say they no longer want to go over there. My mom just yells at them and says she does not need help. She has negative feelings toward my aunts & swears/calls them names and they are tired of it. I don't blame them, but at the same time I am trying to help the best I can.

Marta

So, exercise your POA and begin to personally care for your mother, or have her placed. Criticizing the aunties will only alienate them further, and will fast forward your need to step up.

JJ401

Your mom is past the stage of long distance care. Its time to visit and invent a reason she has to go stay with you for a while. 

How to deal with the aunts. Thank them for all that they are doing. Reassure them that it won't be much longer as you are going to be moving mom near you. Enlist their help in clearing the house /apartment after mom has moved.

Mom is not safe living alone. Visits from the aunts, a part time caregiver -- it is not enough any longer. Yes, it's not what mom wants, but mom is not able to judge what is best for her safety now. You need to step in.

harshedbuzz

jnmiller324 wrote:

I'm struggling to care for my mom long distance.

That is a challenging task under the best of circumstances and simply not possible unless the stars are aligned and you have endless funds/free time to devote to the project and a professional geriatric manager who is your eyes and ears.

My aunts handle most of her care (groceries, laundry, simple prepped meals, refill pill box, etc), but my mom is getting increasingly angry with one of my aunts in particular & she is now scared to go to my mom's house. We have a caretaker 2 days/week for a few hours, but she is still building rapport with my mom. 

If your mom's already turned on her sisters, the caregiver will be next. Then what?

My first question is for recommendations on food delivery services that can be reheated easily. My mother can use a microwave, but struggles to comprehend multi-step directions on things like Lean Cuisines. She cannot cook or use a stove. She refuses to eat anything my aunt makes or buys for her. 

It's very likely she is now or will soon be unsafe to operate a microwave. She could start a fire or badly burn herself if she enters the time wrong.

My second question is how to deal with my aunts. I've tried to talk to them and create schedules, plans, rationalize with them, etc but they just make 100 excuses why my ideas don't work. They just complain and won't try anything new or any of the suggestions I offer.

It's generally not a good practice to second guess the care of the people actually doing it unless you are the one paying their salary. This goes double if you are long distance. If they are being paid and aren't doing as you ask, hire a new team. 

 They're also mad at me for things none of us have control over, like my mom calling & yelling at them. I've been working with the social worker at the Dr's office, but they say we can't have a group convo about her care until her next appointment in October, which is far too long to wait. 

Yeah, this is a problem that needs addressing immediately. 

I said to my mom she needs to move closer to me, but she refuses.

Your mother has dementia. She's past the point where she can follow and reasoned argument. And even if she did and agreed in the moment to move, would she even remember that tomorrow, next week or on moving day?

I know I have POA & the ability to move her on my own, but I want to respect her wishes.

Her safety comes first. When she was of sound mind, she chose you to make the best choices for her when she no longer could. We'd all love to make out LOs happy by indulging their wants but sometimes dementia takes away the ability to do that safely. This is something you do for her, not to her. 

 Any suggestions?

Move her to your home or a MCF in your community asap. Don't telegraph the move ahead of time. Create some reason for her to visit and stay "temporarily". It could be a visit to see grandkids, to help you decorate, to have her place tented for termites or because the doctor wants her to get some intensive PT for movement issues. Whatever it takes.

My aunts refuse to take any classes about care taking or how to communicate with my mom. We also got the caretaker so they would go over less, but they still continue to go to my mom's house daily even though I've told them several times to stop.  

Assuming they are unpaid, why would they devote more of their personal time to training? 

If you move her now, the issues with the sisters will take care of itself. 

Iris L.

jnmiller324 wrote:

  

My first question is for recommendations on food delivery services that can be reheated easily. My mother can use a microwave, but struggles to comprehend multi-step directions on things like Lean Cuisines. She cannot cook or use a stove. She refuses to eat anything my aunt makes or buys for her. 

Your mom is not cognitive enough to be living alone or preparing her own meals, even in a microwave.  Suppose she put something with aluminum foil in the microwave?  Personally, a paper towel caught fire in my own microwave.  There were flames! I was standing right there, so I immediately grabbed the burning paper towel and threw it into the sink and ran the water to drown the fire.  I had the presence of mind to do that.  Also, again, I was standing right there watching the turntable spin.  Suppose I had walked away?  

I want to warn caregivers that even use of microwave ovens may not be safe for a PWD.

Your mom refuses your aunt's, her own sister's, cooking.  Your mom needs a strong caregiver who will not be deterred by this normal resistant type of behavior.  You will have to become strong too, because your mom will be resisting a lot.

Iris

Pathfinder52

Dear JNMiller --

You're avoiding the action you know it is time to take.

Been there, done that.  Now it is time to straighten your spine, and do what needs to be done -- move your mom closer to you and probably into an facility that understands memory care and has the capacity to advance care as it is needed (so she's not moving repeatedly).

Tough decision to make but your brain already gets it -- your heart needs to catch-up!

Wishing you all the best,

--p

jfkoc

If you think that your mother is able to live on her own then she can fire you as her agent whether it is a POA or DPOA.

If she is beyond living alone then you can act if you are the agent in the DPOA.

Please check the document.

Paris20

Your mother may be worse than you know. Some of her behaviors indicate that she may not be able to care for herself. I care for my husband, a man who used to be able to fix anything. Now he can’t even use a phone, landline or cell. It takes him an hour or more just to get dressed, inappropriately for the season I might add. Still, if someone were to catch him at a more lucid moment he might appear «not so bad.»

I guess what I’m saying is that you may just have to change your expectations of what your mother can do. Putting a meal in the microwave, setting the nuker properly, heating it sufficiently, taking the meal out and eating it without getting burned or forgetting about it altogether may be beyond her. Your mom probably should not be left alone. 

Amymv

You are dealing with a lot and it is so hard that your mom lives far away.  When you are faced with these difficult decisions due to such resistance, keep telling yourself you are making these decisions for your mother's safety and for others. 

You will get through this.  Take steps each day and you will get there!