Smooth flight, tough transition

MsReliable

Well, we got Dad to his new home in a memory care unit in NY, 5 mins from my sister. The whole process of COVID testing, getting on the flight, flying to NY, driving to the facility and getting him in went surprisingly well - the staff at this place are amazing, they all came out to greet him and created a positive wave that just carried him in. All good the first night.

Since then...not so good at all. Dad is exit-seeking down an internal stairwell  -he is so fast that unless the staff is right there with him he can get down 2 or 3 steps before they can redirect him. We hired an additional caregiver just to watch him overnight, when  it's worse. Refusing food, medications, or interactions with anyone else in the place. Threw out housekeeping staff. Telling staff that he doesn't know what he did that is so bad that I would lock him up like this. We can't turn on his cellphone because he tries to call 911 to break him out. My sister and I called on Sat and he really let us have it. Very painful. Since I am the 'bad cop' we are going to try a short visit from my sister, the good cop, tomorrow. I am dropping off cards and treats every day to try to show him that we didn't 'dump' him.

He is high-functioning in the memory care population but can't live alone, has had it with me, won't accept a "stranger" caregiver at home, wants to live with his girlfriend despite the fact that she has told him repeatedly that she can't care for him. 

I know this is the best option, but I still feel like a terrible person and a terrible daughter. They tell me this could last weeks - or he could be irate with me for months. How does anyone get through this?

Stuck in the middle

Winston Churchill said, "When you're going through Hell, keep going."  That's all I know to do.

loveskitties

Please don't feel like a terrible person/daughter.

You need to post a reminder for yourself..."I am doing it for his health/welfare...not to him".

His broken brain does not let him see it that way...sadly.

In my family there are 3 of us who share information, discuss needs, etc. and at various times each has had to be "bad cop".  As long as there is a "good cop", you are in better shape than some who have to stand alone.

I know that his actions hurt you to the core, particularly when you want only what is best for him.  Know that the father that raised you would be grateful for your love and concern, even if the person now in his body is not.

Hope things smooth out soon for you both.

abc123

There is nothing easy about this. I’m sorry your dad is so difficult. I try to remind myself that my LO has brain damage. Sometimes it helps me to cope, sometimes it doesn’t. I hope your dad will settle in soon.