regrets

Ipodd

My DW passed at 10:33 on the 7th of February this year I lost her to Lewy Bodies. It seems like yesterday that I was holding her hand and telling her I love her. I am thankful I had the strength to care for her it was not an easy road and I don't fault anyone that cant. I was fortunate enough to have daughters that provided care and homes for us. When I reflect on her last few months there are some things I wished id done:

More I love yous even if she didn't understand at the end or even know me they were more for me anyway.

Been better at alleviating her fear I recognize it now but in care mode I focused on getting through the day.

I wish I'd recorded more of he voice,  I miss her voice and her laugh. I have some recordings but more would be better.

Dancing, we were not dancers but I wish I had those memories.

When your loved one is gone those bad days your having are going to fade rapidly and the cherished memories will come to your mind. If you can make some of those while you still can. 

sandwichone123

Thank you, Ipodd. I am working on building new memories with my spouse, and I appreciate the reminder to notice what we have while we have it, even among the many stressors.

Cherjer

Thank you for reminding us to appreciate the moments we still have with our LO. I am so sorry to hear about your wife. I admire you for caring for her until the end.

LadyTexan

Thank you for the very important reminder to appreciate what we have now. 

At night, DH snores loudly. I was getting annoyed. Then I realized there will be a time when the snoring is gone. The silence will be harder to bear. 

Last Dance

This is the one thing that people don’t think about when they are caregivers                   What will my memories be when they are gone?

Will it be about the good life we had or the struggles I had as their caregiver? 

People who lose their love ones to Alzheimer’s face a different grief then a normal lose.

Not only do you miss your love one, but you’re haunted by regrets about things that you did or did not do, about the times you made them cry when you were trying to bathe them, about the times that you had to be harsh with them when you needed to change them because they didn’t want to be changed or didn’t understand the harm of not having clean underwear on could cause them, and being washed in those spots daily to keep them clean.  Forcing them to take their medication even when they don’t want to take it, but you do it for their own good.  

Remember this most the important thing you can do is never stop telling them I love you, never stop looking at them as  your spouse.  It doesn’t matter if they know you or not or if they remember that you are married. In reality you don’t even know if they know you, they might not react to you like you think they should but in the back of their mind you could still be there.  Regrets is what makes the grief of the loss of a loved one to Alzheimer’s last much longer and hurt much harder than any other type of loss. It’s been 4 years for me, and there are days when regrets still come back to haunt me.

Being a caregiver is one of the hardest things you will ever have to do, and no matter how good you are at it, when it’s all said and done you will live with regrets for the rest of your life, so make good memories for today, in order to survive tomorrow when your are all alone.  

God’s Blessings to you all Richard  

abc123

Please accept my sincere condolences on the loss of your precious wife. I hope that the regrets will one day start to fade. You did your best and that’s all any of us can do. Please pass my condolences on to your daughters. I’m hoping that as a family you can move forward together and work through the regrets. I still fight a battle with regrets. I understand.

aod326

I agree - one of things I most regret is not having enough recordings of his voice. In fact, other than a couple of voicemails, the only real recordings I have are when he was in the rage stage. I recorded it to share with the doctor and, to be honest, with his sister who refused to believe there was anything wrong.

Conversely, one thing I'm pleased I did, that I'd recommend, is take photos on my phone everyday. Even though it was (and is) terribly sad to see the progression, it somehow makes me feel closer.  I took quite a few selfies with the two of us, and also took photos every time others were visiting. Initially I'd thought it was "disrespectful" in a way, because it's not how he would want to be remembered, but I'm pleased we have them all.

As you said lpodd, I think I told DH I loved him more because of how it made me feel, and just in case he could hear. There were a couple of times when he reacted though - he hadn't talked or appeared to hear for several months, but he looked directly at me and squeezed my hand. So, yes, keep saying it! It was a wonderful treat for me to experience!

I wish I'd kept a couple of pieces of clothing (well, hospital-type gowns) from the last few days, for his scent. I knew I wanted to keep the pillowcase, but hadn't bargained for it smelling of the morphine and haldol I'd had to give him, that had dribbled out of his mouth. I spray a combination of his cologne and deodorant onto my pillow cases instead!

Knowing that your PWD isn't going to be here forever is unlikely to magically make the frustration from the relentless challenges go away. Each of the stages has its own real difficulties. I found it hard not to think ahead, in order to plan how we were going to cope. If I were to go back in a time machine (a sadistic one that made us relive the nightmare!), I would remind myself to step back and look at the ways in which he was still Michael.

Jude4037

I have pillows for people who have lost a loved one using clothing they used to wear and a quilt. Having those things they have said gives them a good memory of a time they were enjoying life together. So you may want to hang on to an article of clothing to do the same.

GmaBo

I can tell your love for her was deep and sincere. The fact that you have happy, loving memories shows those times were many. It's evident you did your very best and that best was pretty darned good. Enjoy those happy memories and enjoy those loving daughters too.

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