Sneaked out and drove when not allowed to

LucieSue

My husband has not been allowed to drive since his stroke four years ago until this morning, when he got into the car and drove to the fruit market. He no longer has a license, since it was surrendered a year and a half ago. Though he often sits in the car and listens to the radio while waiting for me to come out to go somewhere together, I never thought he would get in the driver's seat and just go without me. He wanted to go to the fruit market which is just a half mile from here, and I told him we could go but he needed to put on a cleaner shirt first (he had worn it the last two days and it had numerous large food stains on it) and fix his pants (they were inside out and backwards). He said he wouldn't, so I calmly told him we wouldn't go until he did. He sat there an hour and then decided to drive on his own.

So what do I say to him about this? I simply told him when he got back that we had to talk about this. The grandkids were here at the time, and I didn't know what strategy to use in telling him that I am not happy about this and it cannot happen again. I'm afraid he will get defiant and do it again just to show me that he can. He has vascular dementia and so reasoning with him just doesn't work. 

I'm thinking of telling him how worried I am about his safety. Of course he'll claim he is safe and can drive safely. I've tried to explain to him before that his reaction time is too slow now since his stroke and that's why driving isn't safe for him. I'm thinking of not letting him have the keys to just sit in the car and wait. He does this often, sometimes for an hour. Without keys he can't have the radio. 

So I'm wondering how to approach this issue with him. My primary concern is him not driving again. I don't want to do or say anything that will tempt him to do it to prove to me he can!

jfkoc

Hi Lucie...

I see that you are relatively new here so you may have missed the threads about driving.

The bottom line is that no amount of discussing is going to work. Hide the keys.

The fact that your husband was able to escape and take the car is another problem. You may want to install some kind of warning on the doors that will let you know he has gone out.

Betty74

Hi Lucie,

I have the same problem with my DH. I hid the keys so he cannot go out without me. When he talks about driving I just listen. Trying to tell him that the doctor told him not to drive does not work. 

Rescue mom

There usually comes a time when talking, explaining, telling etc., does not work—especially when they’ve shown you they will “sneak” out and do it regardless. Their brain is damaged, they no longer understand rational arguments. And your fears often no longer matter to them.

You have to hide the keys, and hide them really well. It’s amazing how they can rummage around and find things. 

You may also have to keep the car locked at all times. Another member here was just talking about how her LO would get defiant and just go sit in the car, even though dangerously hot outside. Keeping the car locked, and the keys hidden, helped with that.

He will complain, but just listen and try to distract him. Arguing or debating or showing him doctor letters and so on, won’t work. If he had any kind of accident, driving with his health conditions, he and you could be sued and lose everything. (He may not understand that, but it’s important for you to know).  Many attorneys  look for such accidents to sue over.

Some people have found ways to actually disable the car. I don’t know how to do that, in a way that you can fix quick when you need it, but someone else here might.

Quilting brings calm

Hide the keys,  tell him he cannot sit in the car to listen to the radio.  Buy him a radio.  If he listens to Sirius, they have a boom box type radio that gets the signal and can be plugged in or batteries.

Ed1937

He absolutely should not be allowed to have the key any longer. As said above, one accident could cost you just about everything you have. Even if it's not his fault.

DrinaJGB

Hide the keys.Always. A very dear friend of mine who had stokes and was not supposed to drive went out on his own, had another stroke which caused instant blindness, ran a red light and broadsided another vehicle. A train wreck of lawsuits followed.Hide the keys.

Stuck in the middle

The October Consumer Reports has an article on auto theft prevention.  One suggestion is a hidden ignition kill switch that prevents the car from starting even with a key.  If I had this problem, I would have a mechanic install one.

M1

Hide the keys And lock the doors. As already said, buy him another radio.