Where do I go from here

natcia

I'll try to make this short, I just don't know where to go from here, my father is very stubborn and refuses certain help, I need advice. 

My dad has always suffered from certain types of depression and have stopped working many times due to it. Mom and him divorced in 1996, he has been alone ever since, has dated here and there but never committed to anyone long term, he has lived alone on a boat for the last 15 or so years. In late 2019 he started showing signs of memory loss, it didn't get bad until late last year, he started getting lost, kept asking me for my address and so on, until then, I was not involved in any of his things, then he started asking for help with his insurance, his laptop, his phone, doctor information, his car and so on, my dad is they type to ask only for the things he deems necessary at the moment, he is a big procrastinator, always says...yes I'll do it later.... well for the most part, later never comes and things don't get done. 

Things start getting really bad in Dec 2020, he came over to my place and it took him 7 hrs (I'm only 1hr 20 minutes away), after being here for 10 minutes, I asked what happened, he says what do you mean? I say, well, how come it took you so long dad? he says...what are you talking about, I've been here since early afternoon (it was 1am when he showed up) then he was in a car accident, he has no recollection of what happened to this day, the person that hit him, says he was making a U turn on the middle of the street, close to a traffic light, guy run into him and totaled his car and my dads, police was at the scene and my dad was found at fault, dad didn't go see the doctor until January only because I kept pushing for him to see the doctor after the accident, since then I have been writing emails to the doctor to get him tested as my dad wouldn't  tell him he keeps forgetting things every so often (since before the accident) like...how to get to my place (about 1 hour away-took him 7 hours to get to me), doing laundry, showering, what city he lives in, having insurance for his phone, renewing his medical insurance, registering his car, paying his storage unit, etc etc. 

After that accident, he sure wanted help getting another car and getting rid of the car that was totaled, around that time, my brother convinced him to sign a POA for everything and we are both in it, he then got him another car and got rid of the damaged one, dad kept getting lost and forgetting things, I don't visit as often as I'd like because I work 40 hrs a week in healthcare and have a family of 6 to care for, his boat is also very small and we have to go out when I do and it hasn't been all that good since covid hit. ..... So he got into another accident and shortly after that he was 30 miles from his boat, looking for the apartment he "thinks" he lives in, stumbled into a police station, they took his keys from him because he was very disoriented and called me to pick him up, which I did, that day I decided to take the car from him, so I had my son drive his car home and I drove him to his boat, when he asked for his car, I told him I had it taken to my brother's place to get it fixed, granted it didn't go well with him, days later he is calling me to get his car back, I tell him it's not ready, what does he do???? he goes and buys himself another car, long story short, my brother ended up fixing the car and giving it back to him, for a little while he had both cars, then he decided he didn't need them both and called me, after a couple of weeks of not talking to me, to ask me to take that other car away because the manager from the marina was saying he couldn't have two cars, so after a few phone calls, I went and picked up the car. 

My dad only wants help whenever he feels like it and with things only HE considers important, he called me yesterday super upset, telling me that since I talk to his doctor I must have told him about his memory issues and now the doctor has referred  him to a neurologist, he says he has bigger problems then his memory going, matter of fact, he had wrote a note to himself to speak to the doctor about his memory issue and the doctor prescribed medication (for alzheimer's) that he picked up but has never taken..........after the phone call, I get 5 text messages, the 1st one... to tell him if I have the paperwork for his car (since December it is not fully registered because he lost all the paperwork for it) 2nd....can you tell I'm very upset?? 3rd...a neurologist?? for real??? 4th...please don't ever help me with ANYTHING else, thank you!!!.5th... I hope that at 75, your body works as fine as mine....  

Last time I was at the boat, July 21st, I wanted to help with the car issue and some other things as he piles all his mail and doesn't take care of things, when I got there, he was very upset and took off, he had left the boat open and told me to let him know when I was done so he could come back, he wouldn't listen or reason with me that I was there to help him with things he needed to show me, he left....so I went through the paper work on his table and realized his licensed has been suspended since May 5th 2021 because he didn't turn paperwork in to doctor and back to DMV, his car registration is not complete, I couldn't find any paperwork for it, he has bills from paramedics going to see him at the boat, he has the claim from the car that was totaled, his boat insurance is being cancelled because he lives in it and so on. One other thing I should mentioned is that months ago I was able to log into his bank account, noticed several charges for online memberships which I cancelled, but he keeps getting new ones, every so often I log in to see if he has enough money for food (he hardly ever buys food to make something at the boat, he eats out a lot) and other necessities

I want to help my dad, I think it is not safe where he lives, I think he could benefit from someone being there to help him with laundry, cooking, medicine reminders and errands (but he refused help from In Home Support Services and application was denied). I just don't know what else to do to try and convince him it is for his benefit that he get tested and get certain help, one day he seems all fine and the next he is all upset with me saying I want to control his life, to stay out of it and not help him with anything. It is very frustrating, I have taken a leave of absence at work to help him.  

Forgive me for this is a lot to read, I need advice on how to deal with some situations and how do I go about convincing him to get tested and move to a safer place.... Thank you so much for reading, hope you have a blessed day!! 

brown trout

I'm in a similar situation with my parents.  Mom and dad left the house at midnight one evening and returned home at 3:30 am.  They had no idea were they had been or why it was important to be out in the middle of the night.  Would not have know about it if not for a neighbor that witnessed them leave.  Doctor checked dad for neuropathy.  He had no feeling from knees down.  Doctor helped a lot by taking pressure off of me when it came to telling dad he shouldn't be driving.  In the process of moving them to a Memory Care facility.  Not sure how that will play out.  Best of luck to you.

loveskitties

Hopefully the POA that was executed is a Durable POA, if not there could be a problem if he is found mentally incapacitated.  Hopefully it covers not only financial matters but also medical.

Since he has no valid license and the car registration is not valid, I would have the car towed to either your brother's or your home.  No way should he be driving it even if not mentally incapacitated.  Another accident or being in a traffic stop just could land him in jail...even if just over night.

If you have concern over his well being, and he will not cooperate with you or your brother you can contact the area Social Services and ask them to open a case for investigation explaining to them what you have shared here.  They will then assess his situation and determine what action needs to be taken, or if they don't have sufficient cause to do things themselves, they can advise you on what you and your brother can do.

Hope that the three of you can resolve this complex situation.

natcia

Thank you for your message, the POA is durable and both for medical and financial matters, my brother was very diligent when it came to that.

I will take your advice about talking to Social Services since in the past he has threaten to kill himself if the car wasn't given back to him and he does have a gun on the boat. 

I had contacted APS a while back and they went to see him, unfortunately for short periods of time my father seems completely normal and most people don't get to experience all the situations I've gone through. 

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Iris L.

You and Brother need to make plans and be ready for when the next crisis comes up.  Also, make the gun disappear. 

Iris L.

natcia

I know, my brother's actions have puzzled me too, since we had a long conversation days prior about not giving him the car back and he kind of went behind my back and gave him the car. I think it's because my brother gets tired of the calls from him, asking same thing over and over and complaints. My father unfortunately has not been a good dad or even a good person to any of us (4 children), he has done some terrible things, that I don't really want to go into detail and continues to be nasty even when we try to help in some ways and then forgets what he said or did, so not even remorseful. The car thing, huge mistake, I know. 

POA  was not drawn by an attorney and unfortunately as you stated my brother does NOT have the guts to stand up to dementia and while trying to help dad empty his storage this weekend, so he would save $140, he had the last straw when my dad wanted to call the police on us, saying we wanted to steal everything.  .....I know, dementia/AD is not for the faint of heart, things do need to get done to help the person in need. 

I am now on my own. I will look for the attorney this week. 

natcia

Brother is pretty much out of the picture and sometimes is hard planning for the next crisis when my dad lives over 70 miles away from me. As far as the gun, I wish I knew exactly where it was to get rid of it, half the time my father doesn't even let me inside the boat. 

It is so hard and incredibly frustrating to help someone who refuses help time and time again and on top of it attacks us in different ways. So many people have told me to just forget him. My dad has been a bad man to us, but he is still human and having dementia I don't think is because of anything he's done, so I keep at it, hopefully it won't come to a breaking point for me as well.