I have more patience with DH (EOAD), than I have with my Mom (MC!)

LadyTexan

My Husband has EOAD. My Mom has MCI. I have noticed that I have more patience with my DH than my Mom. When it comes to my Mom, I do so many things that I purposefully avoid with DH. For example:

• I attempt to reason and use logic with my Mom.
• I am more like to be inpatient with my Mom
• I am more likely to raise my voice and scold my Mom.

My Dad is the primary caregiver for my Mom. They are both in their early 80s. My folks live in the same town as DH and me. I talk to my parents every day and see them at least every month. I love both of my parents and remember a very happy childhood.

Maybe I am protective of my Dad. As a caregiver, I know his struggles. Maybe I have expectations of my Mom, where I no longer have expectations of my DH.

I am not sure why I am tougher on my Mom. It does not really matter why. I am now trying to treat my Mom as kindly and gently as I treat DH. I am trying to follow the communication recommendations to speak calmly, be patient, don't argue, don't correct.

Quilting brings calm

LT

There are multiple reasons for the difference in how you react to your spouse and your mom. 

Your mom is so much less ‘broken’ than your spouse that she seems almost normal by comparison. So you expect her to function that way. 

You have steeled yourself to have patience all day daily  for ONE person.  It’s hard to come up with  patience for additional people when your operating on your reserves already. 

She’s your Mom.  You think of her the way she was when you were growing up. 

Just do your best. That’s all you can do 

Ed1937

Lady, considering what you have been through with your husband, it's easy to understand why you would act differently with Mom. I really can't understand how you do what you do. Pat yourself on the back. Just remember to take care of you.

Paris20

Lady Texan, I am in a similar predicament. My husband is in the throes of Alzheimer’s and my 99 year old mother is suffering from hospital delirium, which appeared instantaneously during a week in the hospital. Mom lives in another state and has a caregiver 24/7. She also has a long-standing anxiety disorder which is exacerbating the delirium.

I’m finding that I have less patience for my mother than my husband. The difference may be anasognosia. My husband is totally unaware of his AD. My mother is SO aware of what is happening that when she calls me four times a day, all I hear are complaints. Some of Mom’s troubles are unsolvable but others are, yet she cannot bring herself to deal with anything. She is depressed on top of everything else. I found a good gerontologist for her and arranged for a therapist to come to the house. My brother is taking care of the financial and home repair issues. Every issue is a battle because my mother wants to do everything as she did before, despite the fact that she has told us she knows she can’t. Lady Texan, I understand what you’re saying. We’re only human and our superpowers are limited.

abc123

LT, you amaze me with the extent of love, care and patience you have with your DH. Please try not to be hard on yourself because of the situation with your mom. I love my parents dearly BUT my husband was my special person.