Very new to this, want to help my parents as much as possible

fraoch

My dad has recently been tested for Alzheimers/Dementia - by this I mean he had 2 tests so far that are the standard tests with the drawing the time on the clock and he failed every aspect of the test except for knowing my mother and how to write his name.

He was recommended to get an MRI and I guess start the process of finding out what he has. However, we are running into the issue that he is becoming combative and saying that we do not love him and are not on his side if we tell the physicians the truth about everything.

He wouldn't even tell the dr that he has a metal plate in his head from Vietnam & needs a CT, not an MRI. He won't tell the dr anything and flipped out on my mother about her trying to help.

We know he is not himself. We know he is scared. But so is my mom. We have literally no idea how to start anything. I need to help them.

Are there any tips on how to convince your LO to be truthful with the dr and not see you as the enemy? When he is aware, he is 100% on board with going, but once the process starts, he slides back and verbally lashes out.

M1

Welcome to the forum Fraoch.  I think you'll find that most of us here don't discuss the dementia diagnosis with our loved ones--most of them don't recognize that anything is wrong (it's not denial, it's a part of the disease called anosognosia).  You and your mother should write down all of your concerns and give them to the doctors, but you do not have to discuss in front of your father.  You have a good excuse for the CT--you can tell him it's to check about the plate in his head--and you may have to come up with other excuses for him to see the docs (not uncommon to have to do that).  Some also make videos of weird behaviors or outbursts on their phones to show to the medical professionals.  

You'll find good support here and lots of practical information about workarounds, caregiving tips, things to take care of--for instance, be sure that legal affairs are taken care of now, so that you or your mother have power of attorney for healthcare and financial matters.  A certified elder law attorney can also help with will updates if needed (you want to do all this while he can still sign legal documents, if possible) and give advice about financial planning, if he might need to qualify for Medicaid in the future if long-term care is needed.

Best wishes to you

DawnOfANewDay

I'm so sorry.  This disease is horrible.  

You can not reason with someone with dementia.  They just are unable.  Do the best that you can.  

My mom also get very upset when you tell anyone the truth about her disease, even the doctor.  It is very hard to have an open and frank discussion about your loved one while they are in the room, especially when they react so negatively.  I have tried to have my mom leave the room for a few min, but she gets very angry with this.  I did tell her little lies to get her to do some of the testing.  I told her the MRI was to check on her back pain.  She had a fit when they tried to do some of the congnitive tests.  

I don't know what the answer is.  Hopefully, someone else will chime in with some advise.

Tdrinker46

We welcome to this forum I’m sorry that you have to be a member but you’ve chosen a good place to get some information.  My journey with my DH started 10 years ago when I thought there was something going on with his mind.  The doctors did an MRI and he told me that it was just age related memory lose. Hewas 70 years old at the time.  Fast forward to about three years ago we saw a different neurologist (we’d moved from NM to MD).  Told her what was going on with my husband they did another MRI. The result of that was that was he his brain whatever was there was normal aging and perhaps he has a personality disorder. I’ve come to understand that an MRI cannot really diagnose Alzheimer’s dementia is just rules out other causes for their declining memory.  10 years ago he did go for  day of memory testing.  When he left the office he stated “never do this again”. The first time my husband took the test of drawing the clock he could not get it to say 3:45. He also did a test where he had to connect dots 1-A A-2 2-B B-3.  He could not follow the directions for that saying he had never done connect the dots as a child.  She diagnosed him with early dementia and suggested that he take medication. He said that he was not going to take any medication.  6 months later, he had more difficulty answering questions and it was definitely Alzheimer’s Dementia.  Because she had given him the diagnosis of Alzheimer’s dementia it needed to be reported to the state.  She took care of the reporting.  He has not driven, blames the mean lady for taking away his drivers license.  He would not admit problem however he did not fight not driving. I believe that somewhere in his brain he knew that he shouldn’t be driving.

I accepted the diagnosis because it was an answer to questions I had been having for many years.  Not the diagnosis I expected, am not sure what I expected.

Because your father has the plate, it could be causing his behavior/memory issues.  Great suggestion have scan to check for any change in the plate.

It is difficult to remember it is the disease not the person.  My husband goes to daycare 5 days a week, calls it work and takes a briefcase with him.  He is happy going there.  I have presented going as my doctor said I should have time to take care of my illness/self  (I am perfectly healthy).  Also, have told him there may come a time when my illness will prevent me from taking care of him.  We may have to move.  

Try to be patient with him and yourself .

Quilting brings calm

Lots of help here.  Glad you are here. 

Buy the book the 36 hour day. It’s a great book to get practical information about dealing with a person with dementia. 

If your Dads doctor has a patient portal website, set his account up on it yourself and then use it to communicate with your doctor and to check medications, labs , appointments, etc.  

Amymv

Hello Fraoch,

You are not alone.  I agree with the others.  You have to get creative and at times stretch the truth.  Keep telling yourself when your dad gets upset that you are trying to keep him safe.  Remember his love for you.  

Make setting up POA, guardianship, etc a priority.  

I am so sorry you are going through this, but you are not alone.  There are so many wonderful people here and you'll find lots of ideas and support.  It's wonderful that you are there for your parents!

Hang in there!

harshedbuzz

Hi and welcome.

The simple answer is to stop talking about Alzheimer's/dementia with your dad. I would create another reason for testing in order to get it done. Since he had a head wound, perhaps you could present the test as making sure everything with it is as it should be.

This is a quick and free read for you and your mom that I personally found the most useful of everything I read on Alzheimer's. 

12 pt Understanding the Dementia Experience (dementiacarestrategies.com)

It's very likely your dad has anosognosia and is unable to appreciate that he has had a shift in cognition. In his mind, he is probably as capable as he ever was. To insinuate otherwise probably feels like being gas-lit to him. 

We were fortunate that dad's neurologist met with us while someone from the team administered dad's testing. This allowed us to give a detailed history and share concerns without him feeling as if we were throwing him under the bus. The memory center was a part of a larger hospital system with a patient portal we could use to report issues and ask questions without him knowing. 

I went to all of the high stakes appointments and sat behind my parents in the doctor's sight-line so I could signal the doctor in terms of dad's hyperbole or mom's under-reporting. IME, if I was there, the docs looked for my nonverbal confirmation.

Dad's geripsych didn't have a patient portal, but I did reach out via email with short video clips of dad acting out so he could have a sense of how aggressive he could be when he wasn't showtiming in the office. 

Good luck.

HB

jfkoc

Please be certain all lab work is current.

OutsideLookingIn

As for the metal plate, you may certainly call him/his office and let them know about this fact.  I would think it was MORE than relevant in this situation.  Even though you may not be on the HIPPA form to release information to you, that does not prevent you from informing the doctor of changes, important facts like plates in the head, or medication reactions.

Best of luck to you.  This isn't an easy road, especially when you are dealing with the PWD who is resistant to diagnosis and communication with the physician.

OLI