Dealing with a healthy parent in denial about spouse

GoneWest

Hi all, respectfully asking for help in dealing with my healthy father who appears to be in denial about my mother. She has had progressing dementia for about two years. It has reached the point of one worded answers with mom and answers that do not make sense.  Sometimes staring.  Complete confusion for her regarding conversation. Mom still gets around and has good hygiene and can make food for herself with supervision. 

The issue with dad is he is healthy and is temperamental towards mom when he tries to verbally help and guide her. As she essentially has no clue what he is talking about and continues in with what she was doing in the first place causing much frustration for my dad and his aggravation shows. 

I have tried to explain for quite sometime that he is now a caregiver and it is up to him to control what he can control. If it’s breakfast time he should help her in making breakfast or just make it for her in the first place. I’ve told him he can’t just tell her to have breakfast and expect her to understand because she will instead open a can of soup for herself at 9am, put it in a bowl and then the microwave.  Then dad gets angry because she didn’t listen to him.

I am at a complete loss. I’ve offered help with scheduling myself to come and assist or just be there so he can have time to himself and I’ve offered to assist in getting an aide a few times a week for a few hours.  He refuses and asks how I would be able to help. It’s pure stubbornness and I don’t know what to do.  I want the best for both mom and dad as they are struggling over the same thing but in different ways. 

M1

Hi GoneWest, this sounds very hard. Not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver. I have to wonder if your mother wouldn't be better off in memory care.

harshedbuzz

Gone west-

That's a tough one.

I have a friend whose dad was in denial around how impaired mom was and who took a kind of "tough love" approach to caregiving. One of the kids was their daily because dad felt mom could somehow arrest the progression of her disease by doing chores and would then berate her when she failed. The punch line? Dad was a neurologist.

My own mom was a bit in denial, too. I think it was a combination of things. Firstly, she was a bit like the frog in a warm pot of water set on the stove- she wasn't just close to the situation she was in it and couldn't see the bigger picture those of us who didn't live with dad saw. Secondly, when one person in a couple has dementia, it can take away the future hopes for both individuals in the marriage in terms of a happy and active retirement. Since this happens in the context of their siblings and peers enjoying travel, hobbies and time spent relaxing it can lead to real bitterness on the part of the parent without dementia.

This quick read helped my mom understand the situation in which she found herself.

12 pt Understanding the Dementia Experience (dementiacarestrategies.com)

It also helped to get her into a IRL support group and line her up with her own psychiatrist and therapist to be a safe place to talk and for medication for depression and anxiety.

That said, not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver. If dad isn't, you can support him in finding a nice MCF or hiring providers to come to their home. Unless he is truly neglecting or abusing her, calling in APS is not going to do much.

HB

dayn2nite2

It doesn’t sound like caregiving is in dad’s wheelhouse.  It probably would be best to minimize the amount of time your father is caring for her by bringing assistance into the home or, ideally, placement.

Iris L.

Be prepared with options when the inevitable crisis comes.

Iris

Paris20

Those of us who are dealing with dementia and do our reading need to remember that many other people know little about what’s actually involved. Disease progression, meaningless words, behaviors that the person with dementia cannot control are just a small part of all that can happen. Dad may not be a good caregiver but it’s also possible that he thinks he can “fix it”  and look for ways that work, even though the truth lies elsewhere. Those of us who read and post here know that there is no tough love, no begging, no bribing, no promising that can rid our LO of this scourge. Perhaps your PCP or an Alzheimer’s volunteer could provide guidance in what could soon become a dangerous situation for both parents.

OutsideLookingIn

Gone, you could be writing my story, only it's a family member, not a parent doing this.  I wish I had a good answer for you, but all my overtures have been me with either silence or anger.  I think the best you can do is model appropriate behavior and do what you can to help your PWD.  Best wishes to you.

OLI

Suzzin

This is just my personal experience, but I think my parents covered for each other. My mom is the one with AD, but I've come to realize that dad has his own cognitive issues as well.  Dad would see mom perk up on the phone, or for short visits, and get frustrated that she couldn't pull it together for him as well.  Even now, I go over for 2-4 hours and it's relatively easy to be kind and patient with my mom for that limited time. My 89 year old dad is watching his wife fade away, plus he's with her 24 hours a day. 

What I'm saying is that your dad is probably trying his best but all day every day is a LOT. If you can help with bringing microwave-ready meals, or taking your mom out for a drive or lunch so you dad can have some time to be himself that might give him a chance to relieve the pressure. Maybe gently try to suggest that if she has soup for breakfast, as long as she's eating, who cares?

It's so hard, and for my my sympathies switch daily between which one of my parents is driving the other one nuts. And then I have to take a step back and say this is their marriage, I'm the kid (ha!), I can't fix the marriage but I can try to help. A bit.