Leave me if you need to

M1

Things seem to have taken a definite downturn around here, and my partner seems to know it. She told me yesterday she didn't think she'd make it another year, and today she wanted to go over her will and final arrangements. She asked me if I needed help (!), said she wanted to sell her car (!!), would accept household help if I thought we needed it. She said again she wanted to meet my kids, wanted to know how long we'd been together, had I been married before, how did we meet, did I know any of her family, were my parents still alive. Obviously the grip on reality loosening, but at the same time being very loving and sweet.  Hurts so to see her lose our history. Who knows whether she is right, but it had a spooky, sad feeling to it.

Quilting brings calm

M1, that had to be difficult.   I think that loss of history/ reality is probably devastating.  I hope tomorrow is better.

60 falcon

Yeah, that's really sad stuff.  I can relate. Her asking you if you need help and saying she'd accept outside help... That sounds like a positive to me.  Sad, yes. Hang in there.

Ed1937

M1, I'm sorry you had to hear that. That had to be very hard for you. When times like this hit, we need to try to focus on any little thing that could be a win for us. But I know that's hard to do.

Joe C.

M1, Sorry you and your wife are dealing with this difficult realization. My DW has anosognosia and although it has been frustrating for me, I have always been grateful that she does not have to deal with the reality of what is happening. I am sure this conversation was gut wrenching for you. Hang in there my friend.

LadyTexan

Dear M1,

I am glad your partner was being sweet and loving. Who knows what the future holds? 

It is clear to me that the love is there, even if her memories are fading.

Take care my friend. We are here for you.

Jeff86

Some of the most heart-breaking moments on the AD journey are when/if our LOs have some awareness/insight into their decline and loss.  We feel your pain as you witnessed your partner’s further decline and loss of self.  

At the same time, try to treasure the sweetness of the love she expressed.  It doesn’t offset the loss, but it is dear nonetheless.  

DrinaJGB

I feel it is the loss of history that is perhaps the most painful to face. Your spouse is the only one who really knows you and "gets" you. The loss of that intimacy is devastating---because then you are left to feel that there is no longer that one person who knows your secrets, and your history together. It is a grief all its own, and one that I have found to be the hardest to accept.When that reality hits you it can bring you to your knees."Your person" ; the one who always had your back---no longer exists.You are alone in the world.

Jo C.

Dear M1; my heart goes out to you and your wife. Of late, matters based on behaviors had become more difficult with some very significant challenges; your kindness and caring through all of that has been consistent; you are and have been a blessing to your beloved..

Then; out of the blue comes this sweet and yet sad moment.  How difficult this must have been to hear, it is both a loving and poignant communication to you which sincerely expresses your wife's love and trust in you.

Despite the memory losses, the basic connection and love remain true and deep; I so hope that part of it stays with you and is a comfort to you in any way it can be..

With warmest of thoughts being sent your way,

J.

Battlebuddy

   That’s so sad about the history. Sorry that her understands her condition. But I am happy for you that she gave you permission to get help. 

    My husband only occasionally comes back to himself.  In May he turned to me out of the blue and said” I think I’m going to die soon” Creepy 

Paris20

Sometimes I think my husband is living in 1970 and is slowly losing everything in between. When we had a power failure he asked if I had called Central Hudson, the utility we had before we moved in 1972. When we needed a plumber he asked if I had called Sam, our plumber in 1970. I can see and hear our shared memories slipping away. Of course, short term is the worst. My husband LOVED baseball but doesn’t show any interest in it anymore. Nevertheless, he happily watched the baseball game held in the Field of Dreams, DH’s favorite movie. The next day he had no memory of it at all.

M1

It is indeed difficult.  And she remains upset today, woke up crying.  I do believe, Battlebuddy, like your husband, that there is sometimes a sixth sense about these things.  Time will tell.  The upside:  yes, at the moment she is cooperative, and loving.  And as we talked yesterday, we acknowledged that we've left nothing unsaid or undone, which is a nice feeling.  Just like the song says, I gave her permission to leave, whenever she felt it coming.  I have a hunch she'll just quit eating at some point, and it may be sooner rather than later.

Stuck in the middle

My heart aches to read this, M1.  So sorry

Buggsroo

M1

This must really be painful. I am really sorry. It is obvious she loves you and wants to help. I hope you can talk to each other and have the love there. I find my husband and I have micro moments where the memory is back, then just as I start reacting like old times they are gone. I feel a lurch and tears come to my eyes. He keeps asking where his sisters are, (dead all three), our fourth cat (euthanized this week) and his parents (dead years ago). 

I wish you comfort.

abc123

M1, I'm sitting here reading your words and feeling your feelings. I can't find the words to convey my feelings to you. Just know that you are both being thought of. You are both in my heart.

Stuck in the middle

Leave me if you need to

I will still remember

Angel flying too close to the ground!

Jude4037

Drink. You said it. It’s so lonely. Making decisions when you are used to talking things out is difficult. Friends can help but you’d like his point of view and he has none, can’t understand the questions and gets agitated  if given info that he can’t understand.

White Crane

M1, holding you and your dear one close in prayer. Sending hugs.

Jo C.

Dear M1; I am dropping by to let you know I am thinking of you and your dear wife today.

J.

Ed1937

M1, Thinking about you, and sending good thoughts your way. Hope you have a fabulous day tomorrow.

M1

Thanks all, I need the support right now, it feels like the world is coming apart at the seams. Started the day with an hour's drive into town for two doctor's appointments-to discover both had been cancelled because of a water main break. So a two hour round trip for nothing. Then: a huge fight when we got home, because I discovered she'd given the two outdoor cats ten--count em--ten cans of food in 36 hours. And then of course swore she hadn't done it, even though she'd left all the empty cans sitting in a little bar sink. So catastrophic reaction when I physically removed all of the food. Later she came and apologized though, but started crying again and saying she just would rather die than live like this.

Top off the afternoon with our illustrious governor signing an executive order to overturn mask mandates in the schools. Im just sick of the world right now.

Quilting brings calm

M1 … the accumulative  effect is too much stress is that one more thing is just too much. You’ve had a tough time.  I totally get that a  two hour drive with a PWD that turned out to have  no purpose would push someone  to the edge.  Plus over feeding and just the waste and expense,  I hope you get some sleep tonight.

The Covid situation is so stressful because I see the train wreck coming again. The ALs, MCs, and NHs will be closing for the fall and winter soon.  Our numbers are horrible and it’s not even fall yet. 

Jo C.

Oh.   What a very bad, rotten, despicable no-goodnik day!  Truly, I am so sorry.  Cannot even imagine.

 Guess tears or not, locking up the animal food has become a necessity; that must have been a breath taking surprise to see ten empty cat food cans.  Cats happy and taking a long post-prandial nap? 

 May the tomorrow bring a better and calmer day. 

 J.

LadyTexan

Dear M1 - 

My heart aches for you, I hate this disease. I hate what it does to our loved ones. I hate what it does to their loved ones.

Sometimes, its just too much. I have to remind myself to breathe.

My prayer for you is comfort and peace. Know that you are special and that you are loved. We are here for you. 

-LT

Crushed

What can anyone say except we all know the pain.  

hang in there and hold yourself together. 

   It's now been  over 4 years since DW could do something like open a can of  food .  three years since she had arguments with wall decorations.  Now she just walks and swallows  She is 69  and lovely and was the love of my life.

Virgil61

Hi - I've had the same issues (like opening all the cans then saying she didn't) with my wife.  I ended up getting the key code locks from Lowes (I use the brand called Splage (sic?)) that I placed on various rooms to keep her out (gave the pin codes the kids/grandkids so they can access things when they visit).  That works well - fyi, in case this might be considered.

Rescue mom

M1, I feel so badly for you and hope today has gone better. Isn’t it amazing how they can be faced with inarguable, concrete evidence (like empty cans) then say “not me”. It’s like dealing with a toddler again. You have to lock up everything—then they find or do things you never imagined. What sounds so hard is dealing with the swings, the times when she’s aware. But the unaware times are so dangerous.  I guess that’s why everybody says you have to act with those in mind. At least my DH is utterly oblivious to any/all his losses (except for an occasional reminder that “I have memory problems.”)

Stuck in middle: I never heard the phrase “angels flying too close to the ground” before. But it is so sadly perfect.

Stuck in the middle

"Angel flying too close to the ground" is a song by Willie Nelson, and my quote is an excerpt from it.  M1 is a country music fan and I assumed her post title referred to the sad, beautiful song.

M1

Yes indeed. Rescue mom(and all), if you don’t know the song, it’s worth a listen. Will break and heal your heart simultaneously.

In better times I can tell fun stories about growing up in Nashville with the Opry.

Thank you all, again, for all the lifelines.  Today has been at least stable.