Who has placed LO in MC?

amicrazytoo

For those of you who have placed their LO in MC. Did they go willingly? Did they put up a fight? My DH has anosognosia  I don't have guardianship, did you have guardianship? What allows you to place your LO? 

I'm sorry for these stupid questions, but I'm sure others have been in the same place before and could offer advice.

Virgil61

Hi - my girl goes to mc this month.  I did the poa and guardian thing years ago - that was required.   She is scared but will go.  I expect once there, she will be happier.  I won't,  but she will.

Ernie123

I placed my DW in Memory Care on Dec. 29, 2019. I was advised not to discuss the move with her in advance since she had lost the cognitive ability to really understand what was happening. And if she did she would just of course say no and become stressed. We have been married 53 years, so it was very difficult for me but her condition had progressed to the point I could not care for her on my own at home. The staff at the facility said to bring her early evening and just leave her with them. She had spent that day with her sister while my children and I moved her bed and things into her room. The staff said for me to stay away for a few days until they called me to let her settle in. I stayed in touch by phone and they said she did well, slept the first night, ate her meals calmly with the other residents and was more confused than upset. Three days later I made my first visit and reinforced the narrative that we were moving into this nice retirement home to have more people around and be closer to town. I would be moving soon but in the meantime I had to take care of the farm. I had been told to develop a positive story like this and keep repeating it. Yes it was a fib, but fibs are often required when dealing with dementia for the good of the patient. She adjusted much better than I did. A year and a half later her dementia has progressed but she feels safe in the unit and enjoys the constant social activity. There are only 14 residents, mostly women just like her. I visit daily, help with her care and after an hour or so she usually wants to get back to the common area so I leave.

My advice: just make the the move with no prior discussion. Let the staff there do their job, they do this all the time. Do it while he has the cognitive ability to adjust to a new environment and feel safe there. My wife improved a bit because of the social stimulation. An Alzheimer’s Society counselor had predicted this. He also said it would be more difficult for me than her which is also true. I still have bad days, miss her terribly but I am grateful she is in a facility with  such compassionate and competent staff. I knows she is better cared for there than what I could do on my own. Sooner is better than later.

Virgil61

Thanks Ernie123.  Am readying the wife to move to mc by the end of the month.   Actual stories of the transition like you wrote are very helpful. 

aod326

Firstly - no stupid questions here! Other than the few posters with previous experience, none of us knew about these things before we were faced with them.

I don't know if it's the same nationally, but in NJ and PA you have to have a POA in order to place someone.

With DH, we followed a similar path to what Ernie described. His friend took him on a mini-roadtrip for the day, while four of us sprung into action to move his furniture etc., in during the day. (By the way, not all MCs require you to supply furniture, so there wouldn't necessarily be much time needed.) MC said it was best to drop him off mid-morning so that he could settle, so I took a tip I'd seen on here and called his friend (who was already in the know), saying could he bring DH to a hotel because we'd had a small flood in the house.  DH didn't bat an eyelid at that. Then I took DH to MC the next day. 

I had dreaded it, but I think it was much worse for me than for him. MC staff were very used to the fact that the new resident generally didn't know in advance they were coming.

DH did have trouble settling, and we moved him to a different MC after about 6 weeks - he settled very well at that one.

This is a really difficult time - good luck.

2024

I agree with what Virgil61 said, she will be happier but he won't. I put my DW in MC on August 7th and it was terrible for me to just hope that she will be in good hands. Turns our that so far she is. Now the problem I have is when I leave her to go home the realization that she will never be "home again" is almost impossible to accept without guilt and remorse. The MC she is in will give her better care than I could but...............

Virgil61

2024 - Just curious, how are things going with yall since 7aug?  Better? Worse?  Same?

harshedbuzz

My mom and I placed my dad when his care became too much for my mother even with help coming in. Dad was routinely uncooperative around eating, medication, hygiene for her. His sleep became fractured and he spent a lot of the night waking and threatening her with crazy talk about how they were going to "die together". Fortunately, I'd toured a dozen local places and was able to get my mom to visit my top 3. My top choice (the state veterans home with a kind of clubby atmosphere and staff who were nonplussed by the behaviors of their residents) had a waiting list. Mom's favorite (she could have walked to it and they had Medicaid beds in the same unit if needed) wouldn't accept dad to their community because of a potential for "behaviors common to his particular ARD".

Our second choice welcomed him and worked with us the day of to make a smooth transition. I set up some of dad's things and fitted up his suite ahead of the move. Our fiblet was that the MCF was "a high-end physical rehab facility" ordered by a new doctor who wanted to help him get stronger on his feet with intensive training. To that end, I did not make the room seem like home, I made it look like a hotel/VIP hospital room. The day of, we told him he had an appointment with a new doctor; he was always willing to see doctors in hopes one would let him drive again. The recreation supervisor met us and took dad off to their daily music activity/snack time and sat him with two outgoing residents and shooed us off. 

We did come back the next day and he was angry about staying. We validated and made sure we always brought a treat of some sort. He settled in freakishly well. He wasn't much for activities but he always said the staff were kind to him and sang their praises. He got better care because he saw them as professionals rather than a wife who nagged. 

My mother adjust freakishly well, too. She was a bit adrift for a couple of days, but once she caught up on her sleep she fell into a routine of visiting him and hanging out. Some days, she'd come after lunch and they'd nap together or just sit in the sunroom.

HB

NancyTS

It became necessary for my DH to be placed safely in MC in March of 2020, ironically enough, the day before COVID shut down our world. I did not see or touch him again for 7 months. It was agony. I would often speak with staff and him on the phone but that almost made it worse. Fortunately, he settled in easily, thinking he was working since his career took him on lengthy trips around the world. I don’t think I could bear it otherwise, if he was anxious and unhappy. Almost eighteen months later I’m still struggling that this is our life. That he’s alive on this earth and we’re not together. I function best I can, put on the brave face while life goes on around me, around this limbo I’m in. Some days it’s almost unbearable.