24/7 supervision

David J

My lawn needed to be mown badly, so I mowed it badly!  While i was charging around the yard on the tractor, DW was getting into to raspberry preserves with a spoon. Preserves all over her clean blouse and the couch. I am changing DW’s clothes twice a day  from incontinence or food stains. I can’t keep up with her movement around the house with food and other messy things. Glucerna Chocolate drink and diet coke all over the bed and while cleaning all the sheets and mattress pad, more diet coke on the bare mattress. As I clean up after one issue, another unfolds. I am at my wit’s end. A check is going to to an MCF tomorrow and I feel guilty at the same time I am looking forward to getting my life back in order.

JoseyWales

Don't feel guilty. No one can do this 24 hours a day.

LadyTexan

I have been going through a similar situation here. 24/7 supervision is draining.

1. Friday I cleaned up cat vomit twice. Then I whisked the cat to the vet. I got a hefty bill. Good news is the cat is on the mend.
2. Saturday I cleaned up a trail of turds. I disinfected both bathrooms.
3. Today every meal has turned into an extraordinary mess. Food ends up on DH on the floor and all over the table. I have invested in silicone placemats that make clean up easier. It is still exhausting.
4. There is always laundry to do and messes to clean up and a butt to wipe. I am planning meals or cooking meals or cleaning up meals. Or washing clothes or dressing DH or undressing DH. Showering DH. Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. 
5. Then there are bills, home maintenance, car maintenance, scheduling appointments and managing meds.

24/7 is not sustainable. 

Throw the guilt in the trash can

DrinaJGB

Lady Texan---Could not have expressed it better myself.You hit the nail right on the head. As a sister Texan I salute you for your honesty and bravery. I threw guilt in the trash can around year #6.

Joe C.

David, I Say, “I’m stressed & exhausted from being stressed & exhausted”. Yes visit the MCF and get a plan in place but try not to beat yourself up.

Jeff86

David,

You have borne a heavy load for a long time.  You’ve been an incredibly dedicated and thoughtful caregiver.  And you’ve given it your all.

No wonder you find yourself at your wits’ end.  Completely understandable that you are hopping off the placement fence and ready to share the caregiving burden.  It’s a sign of your love for your DW that you recognize the limits of solitary 24/7 caregiving and are putting her well being into the hands of people with more capacity.

I’m with the gang here.  No guilt.  Rather, congratulations on the extraordinary job you’ve done.  You will go back to being a husband, and to having so sense of control of your life.  You deserve it.

Ed1937

David, I'm sorry it is such a hard disease. The replies above say "No guilt". It would be hard to find someone here to argue with that. You will be taking very good care of her when you have reached the end of what you can be expected to do, by allowing others to do the caregiving job. I wish you luck in finding a great place.

Paris20

David, I am so sorry for what you’re going through. I certainly understand. Last February I became so ill with 24/7 care for my husband that I wound up in intensive care. I used to laugh at celebrities who were hospitalized for exhaustion. Now I get it. 

While in the hospital, my daughters found an excellent aide for my husband. She is wonderful, having taken over many of my household chores. I’ve regained my health and can now deal with my husband’s worsening condition better than before. He insists that I take care of him so the aide takes care of everything else. So far it works.

Having gone through a health-threatening scare, I know that once certain things happen, I’ll seriously consider memory care for DH. The stressors in my life are many too. My 99 year old mother has serious health problems. My dog has terminal cancer. My husband loves our beagle just about as much as he loves our kids and grandkids. DH is incontinent #1 but has shown signs of #2 problems. My greatest fear is that there will be a crisis involving all three at the same time.

David J

LT thanks for the tip on the placemats!  I’ve been using paper ones for easy clean up, but I like your idea better. I hope the cat gets better. 

Josey, Jeff, Joe, Ed; You people are the best!  Always here to give me a lift when I’m down. Thank you!

Paris, I am sorry to hear about your dog.  I have the same situation here, with our Golden Doodle diagnosed with cancer and I hope she lasts long enough for DW to get settled in MCF.  I don't know how she would handle the loss.  

Beachfan

David,

I put a wet/damp kitchen dishcloth under DH's plate, bowl.  Keeps his dishes from taking a walk across the table.  Even with a plate guard, food lands everywhere.  When he's done, I wipe the table with the dishcloth, "spot clean" under his chair and throw it in the wash.  When he is seated, he can't figure out how to "shimmy" his chair closer to the table so, to close the gap, I "shimmy" the table right up against his chest.  It annoys him to no end; he flinches like a gun has gone off every time.  

No guilt here.  And just for so (as my grandkids say), I used Bugsroo's classic line last night.  Struggling to get his hands in the sink to wash them (he holds on to the sink edge like he's hanging from a cliff), I said, "What did your last slave die from?"  He, who never answers me sensibly, said, "Who died?"

RobertsBrown

Hey man, not a priest psychologist, but I would like to offer another thought.  Just feel guilty. it’s natural and awful and honest. Maybe it sounds weird, but justifying stuff to myself, or telling myself that i didn’t fail at something i failed at just prolongs my stress and robs my sleep.

It’s ok to feel guilt. it’s ok to feel like a failure. This sickness will push us to our breaking points, whatever that means to each of us. So, we break down. Then we get back up again and try to do the next thing.

you are not alone here. I feel the same darn* way.