Breaking all the relationship rules

RobertsBrown

Being a couple took a lot of work.  We made it through some rough spots and grew up together, and one of the good things we did was set some basic rules.

Basic rule #1 is don't lie to each other, #2 was don't talk about each other to 3rd parties.

These agreements got us through, and really helped make us a solid couple. I was proud of us.

Now, I am forced to break those basic tenets every day.  And, it feels like betrayal and failure and cheating.  Doing things for myself feels selfish.  Taking charge of my house and property feels like theft. Paying bills with her money?  Unthinkable criminal behavior.

These feeling are all wrong.  I am sure of this.  That certainty does not make it any easier.

Rick4407

Hello Robert,  

You are up late, at least by EST.  My relationship with my wife had always operated under similar rules.  I still in many cases do not follow traditional Alz guidelines on when to be less than honest with my spouse.  For example she askes about where her Mom is at least 10 times a day, I always tell her that she died 30 years ago.  The recommended answer is a diversion, she's on a trip, etc.  My consistent fabrication is that we cannot travel due to "the virus".   She wants to go "home" many times a day as well.  

I sort of fall back on the axiom that I am not doing things to her, but instead for her.  My DW is in late stage 6, its been 5 years since diagnosis, and 6 or 7 years since symptom started.  One of the posters here, Paris20, wrote something a couple of weeks ago that I've copied to my journal and try to focus on.    “Our goal as caregivers is not to give our LO more birthdays but rather more pleasant and peaceful everydays."   Lastly I have accepted, completely accepted, my spouses limits, that is tough but makes the journey easier.   No more questions "Do you want...?" as with a partner, but now it's "Lets....." .   I just make all decisions without consultation.

In the members responses there are frequently ideas that may click with you.  The end of this journey is the same for everybody, I just try to make it as easy as is possible for her.  Rick

Ed1937

Roberts, everything you are doing is for her own good. I lie to my wife almost every day, but I don't feel any guilt whatsoever. She needs help, and when I take care of myself first, my focus is that I'm doing it for her. Previously, I always did things for her first, but now I know when I take care of myself first, it's because I need to for her. Your guilt belongs in the trash can.

M1

Hi Roberts. Ed and Rick are both right, but I think all of us have been through what you're going through. The relationship changes when one half loses capacity. She loses capacity, and you pick up the load for her, but the loss to you of your spouse is profound. I know exactly how you feel. The one soul you would go to with everything is no longer able to reciprocate, so you are forced to go elsewhere-like here-for emotional support AND for practicalities. It is indeed life-changing. But it's not betrayal, I have come to see that. It's a steep learning curve too. Hang in there.

LadyTexan

DH and I operated with very similar rules. 

When I joined the forum, it was difficult to share. I was very uneasy discussing our private life and betraying DH's trust. By candidly sharing on this forum, the members have graciously and generously shared their wisdom. The tips and tricks I have learned here have made me a better caregiver. The many VENTS I have expressed here have prevented explosions in our home. The love and support I have received here have honestly been life saving.

Using therapeutic fibs, fiblets and lies (what ever you choose to call them) took practice on my part. Fiblets allow me to avoid explosions and sometimes maintain harmony. It is indeed the kinder and gentler solution for both of us. Therapeutic lying is done out of love and kindness. 

I want DH to have the best life he can with the time he has left. Key principles in our home are safety, dignity and harmony. Sharing with the forum members and using fiblets (when appropriate) help maintain the harmony. When we avoid chaos and stress, the journey is easier for both of us

Crushed

I believe rules for marital partners where both are mentally competent adults are simply different from rules for dealing with demented people . Especially where no real partnership exists any longer,   IMHO when when your marriage is de jure but not de facto you have moved to a different phase.  IMHO Some like to pretend that they are still married and "nothing has changed"  They carry on this pretense not for the benefit of the spouse, but because the alternative is terrifying,  

Therapy helps.  I was married 46 years ago .  My partnership marriage ended totally 3 years ago .  It had been on "life support" for 3 years before that. In that time I made all decisions without consulting my spouse, since she was incapable of input.

(de jure means as a matter of law, de facto means as a matter of fact.  Its a routine legal distinction)  I have a marriage as a matter of law but not fact,

Rennbird

Crushed, Do you experience comfort knowing you are providing good care for your wife.  I am one of those who still believed I was married by law, fact and also by the spirit.  I am a widow now but still feel connected via the spirit. I am going through my husbands things and shredding his life.  It is very painful.  Every family needs its own museum.

Crushed

When my wife and I were married we expressed it as a partnership.  We made our marriage what it was,  That included accepting that when we were no longer partners the marriage was  over de facto   Effectively that happened in summer 2018, when she no longer recognized me or the children in any form. I see her on Facetime almost every day to check on her care.  

I have our children's TOTAL  support.  We work together to make sure she gets the best of care.  As to her things I still have virtually every piece of jewelry, every fancy dress and her tchotchkes.  the rest is gone