Caring and Controlling....There is a Difference

dms7000

Since my wife was diagnosed with Alz there have been many changes, both with her and with myself. My wife has lost the ability to do the simplest of thing and sometimes even walking can be a problem especially out in public. 

Here's what I'm getting at. There's a big difference in Caring and Controlling. In my attempt to care and protect I also have at time become controlling. This leads to fighting with her that is of course a big No No. It's difficult to walk that line sometimes, but it's important NOT to become controlling. When this does happen I can see she is hurt by this and this adds to my sadness and anger at my self. The last thing I want is to make her feel bad or think her feelings aren't important.  They are.   Please, be careful when you care of your loved one. Caring is showing love and it protecting a loved one when needed and she responds will with that. Controlling is hurtful, selfish and hurtful.   

I hope this helps someone.   Alzheimer's Sucks and it hurts seeing someone you love in the middle of it.   Blessing and God's love and grace to you. 

Ed1937

Hello dms. Welcome to the forum. It's a good one to get help, help others, and be with people who understand. 

I find there is a time when I have to be controlling. An example is when she has feces on her body, but doesn't want to get in the shower. Well, that's just not optional. But I understand when you feel that she should be given the opportunity to have reasonable input. Again, welcome.

Dee/Dave

I know exactly what you mean.  With me it’s my DH.  I try to help but sometimes get controlling.  I pray for patience everyday.  It so hard when a simple instruction can’t be done, like “put this in the fridge”, and he doesn’t know what the fridge is, I could just cry.  Thank you for your input.

Buggsroo

Good point, sometimes I have to be controlling. Like when he has three bowls of ice cream and then craps the bed. Happily, he has vestiges of his sense of humour and does call me on it. There is a thin line sadly.

Virgil61

Hi -  I  don't agree with controlling being "hurtful and selfish".  I have to be controlling with my wife A LOT (like telling her she cannot use sharp knives or use the microwave any longer - knives are locked away and MW disabled.  She accidently cuts herself and puts ANYTHING in the MW which creates a fire hazard.  There are MANY more examples of how we have to "control" her).  This is neither hurtful or selfish.   In the MC facility she will be going into soon they have a great deal of controlled parameters in place for the safety of the residents and staff.  Controlling IS caring in many/most cases that I am aware of.

HSW

Hi early in our journey it was difficult to know what he could do without guidance in public. He would get frustrated/embarrassed when trying to help. Either by the clerk whom would small talk he couldn't respond to or by forgetting to put groceries in a bag. People 20 years older than us  would make comments to him about me being the boss for telling him where to put the groceries in the car. 

The stores we frequented eventually learned he had Alzheimer's because as soon as he saw the restroom  sign he would need to go. Yes I was the one at the register jumping up and down waving my arms shouting my husbands name.

Now there is a big difference in public because every few minutes I will provide him an update of where we were, why we were there and a related story which he maybe able to respond.  If he needs a restroom, I go in with him.  We no longer go inside grocery stores or any crowded space. Since he has no motivation to do anything other than toilet and fill his coffee cup, I would say I am very controlling in a caring way. 

Doityourselfer

I don't see any part of taking care of my EOAD husband as controlling.  I'm doing what is best for him, making sure he's safe, clean and fed.  At this severe stage of AD, he has no idea of what's going on.  Hasn't had a clue for years.  This disease is awful for a family to deal with.

Paris20

Dms7000, I understand the distinction you made between caregiving and controlling. As my husband’s cognitive abilities diminish, however, I find myself entering control mode, just to keep him safe. If he says he wants to go for a walk, he MUST be accompanied. If he balks, I persist until he gives in. It’s the same with taking his meds and eating nourishing food, not just sweets. I no longer trust him alone with our aged beagle. I’ve caught him giving her chocolate and people-food snacks. My dog has terminal cancer. Chemo didn’t work. I don’t want to hasten her death because my husband has forgotten the no-nos of pet care. Constant vigilance is the name of the game when it comes to caregiving AND controlling a LO with AD.

DrinaJGB

You control a toddler to keep him/her safe ---don't touch that plant, don't run into the street,don;t eat the laundry detergent ,etc. The same goes for an impaired spouse.Call it what you want, but we are responsible for their welfare and safety 24/7.

Carry on.

jfkoc

It is in the approach.....always.

Stuck in the middle

I agree.  We should be as kind and patient as we can, so long as we get the job done.  We may slip sometimes, but caring is actually easier if the recipient of the care is not upset or offended.  I find I can be pretty firm so long as I don't show anger.

Arrowhead

Pick your battles wisely. There are times when controlling is necessary, just try to keep it as minimal as possible. Let her do as much as she can before stepping in. When controlling is necessary, try to be as gentle about it as possible. Just keep trying until you discover what works. When it no longer does, try again.