MC visits

robinja

 I am hoping to get some help making my visits to my mother in MC more pleasant for both of us.  

Some background...Mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s a few years ago and recently Vascular Dementia was added to her diagnosis. She and my dad were living in an independent apartment affiliated with an AL facility when Dad passed away in January. She stayed with my brother for a couple of weeks, then we moved her into a room at the AL. After 1 week there she came down with Covid and spent 2 days in the hospital, then 2 days with my brother, then 1 week at the hospital, then 2 weeks in a NH in rehab, then 1 week back at AL where she was violent and sent to Behavioral Health for 2 weeks. They recommended MC, so we moved her there. (She had one more brief stint at Behavioral Health but has finally been stable at MC for a few months.). To say this year has been a nightmare would be putting it lightly. I hate that she has gone through all of this, and I know that all of the turmoil has hastened her decline, but my brothers and I made the best decisions that we could under each circumstance. 

I live 3 hours away.  Both of my brothers live in the same town as the MC. We all have similar problems when we visit Mom. She has always been a little prickly, but she is/was a devoted loving mother and grandmother. She is/was also very intelligent. We all love her, but we’re all a little scared of her. Each of our visits start out fine. She is happy to see us although she sometimes has to be reminded who we are. After a few minutes of pleasant small talk, she usually gets quiet and you can literally see her brain trying to work and figure things out and it starts going downhill. She sometimes says things like, “This is weird” or “What is this place” or “I feel like we’ve done this before”.  Sometimes she asks about Dad or her parents. We’ve all decided that fibbing is the best policy, but apparently none of us are very good at it. Sometimes she cries or gets mad, and I feel terrible leaving her that way, but once we start down the rabbit hole, I can’t seem to dig my way out to a happier place. 

I recently read the Jolene Brackey book, “Creating Moments of Joy...”. It has some good ideas in it, and I’ll keep trying. I would love any tips from anyone who faced similar challenges. I hate the feeling that my visits are possibly doing more harm than good. 

Thank you

harshedbuzz

robinja-

IME, sometimes certain aspects of a personality persist well into the disease process and are often magnified by it. Joy may be too high a bar at this point. Safe and cared for might be a more reasonable goal. 

I wouldn't stop visiting; it's important to have eyes on. Some strategies that helped make visiting may dad better in the context of his difficult personality.

1. Keep it short. I know you're coming from a distance, but giving her time to go down the rabbit hole isn't a plan for success. Sometimes when dad started down that kind of path, I was able to reset the tone of the visit by excusing myself for a bit until the short term memory of what had him angry faded. 

2. I found dad better behaved when "in public". He would showtime for staff and other residents, so early on I only visited at mealtimes when I knew he'd not be in his room where he'd bully me. 

3. I never visited empty handed. I always brought something- a news magazine, a sweet treat, a hot coffee, a fast food lunch. 

4. Dad wasn't into activities as a rule but did enjoy music, so I often showed up during live musical performances which were followed by an afternoon snack. Maybe going with her to an activity might work. 

HB

Iris L.

Consider getting your mom a robotic pet.  Then you could have something to discuss, how nice "Fluffy" is.  

Iris

MN Chickadee

I also always bring a treat. Maybe wait for that lull in the conversation to get it out to distract from negativity. A new magazine, a stuffed animal, something to eat, adult coloring book, a fidget toy, whatever you can think of.  Sometimes music helps. If you could bring a speaker with some of her favorite music loaded on your phone or a CD it can help calm the brain when it's overworked. I also find that not visiting in my mom's room provides the best outcomes. Sitting outdoors or in the public areas is usually best for us. I never tell her I am leaving. I often time my visits around activities or meals, knowing that coming to the lunch table or activity is a good transition for me to slip out while the staff help her get situated. It's ok to keep it short. My visits are often 10-15 minutes, which I know is hard when you are driving a great distance. But it's sometimes all our LOs can tolerate at a time. Hope this helps.

robinja

Thanks to everyone for the suggestions so far. I am OK with short visits, even with the long drive as I can work from anywhere and can visit with other family while I am in town. 

I need to come up with a better story, though. Even though my husband and I made a special trip to see her, it is hard to explain why we are staying somewhere else so I told her that we had some business in town which made it sound like visiting her was an afterthought. (Which she pointed out!) And though I know she doesn’t have a great sense of time, it still seems uncomfortable to dash in and dash out. 

The facility’s Covid restrictions require that we visit in her room or outside, so my options are limited at the moment. I did visit with her in the common area by mistake once, and that was probably the best visit I’ve had. A group of us met with her outside for her birthday and that went pretty well also, so maybe avoiding her room is a good strategy. 

Thank you!

MN Chickadee

There are some folks here who stopped visiting MC because the visits were doing more harm than good for their LO. Sometimes they swing by to talk with the staff but stay out of sight. One member hired an aide to go a couple times per week to sit with her mother, this gave her mom some companionship and gave the family eyes and ears on the ground but her mother didn't react so negatively and emotionally to this non-family member and they had a nice time together. I can't tell from your original post how long mom has been in this new setting, but it's ok to take a break from visiting to let her really settle in. Each of us has a situation that requires a different approach, there is no one size fits all. Given you mention a couple trips to behavioral health, she may have a particularly difficult time right now and you just do the best you can. 

When my LO was a bit more with it and could comprehend language, I found doctor's appointments were a good way to get out. I have a doctor's appointment here in town, so I need to leave. It's something that has a definite start time and that she can't accompany you to like errands. Now I just tell my mother I'm going to use the bathroom and slip out of sight. 2 minutes later she has forgotten I was ever there.