Advice from this forum that made a difference

RobertsBrown

Wow.  This bit quoted below made a profound difference in my day.  I have been reducing choices over the years, and I stopped at binary decisions.  Do you want X, or Y?  From dinner choices to what she is wearing, to showering or not.  It's really frustrating, and sometimes we go all day without getting anywhere.  It did not occur to me to remove choice.  Marriage is all about negotiation, right?  So today it was just 'let's take a shower', 'follow me', 'have a seat, give me your feet'....and on it went through the day.  It was a *good* day!  Stuff got done, Mrs. Brown was happy, and so was I.

 As we all know, what worked yesterday may not work today, so fingers crossed, but this was useful!!

Rick4407:

 " Lastly I have accepted, completely accepted, my spouses limits, that is tough but makes the journey easier.   No more questions "Do you want...?" as with a partner, but now it's "Lets....." .   I just make all decisions without consultation."

 

Ed1937

I'm glad you're finding the forum helpful. You will find different opinions on many things, and you have to pick whichever one seems best for your situation. Of course you can get different opinions in the real world too, but you won't get the ideas that come across this board.

LadyTexan

I agree with both of you (Robert and Ed).

When I remove options and am more directive, DH generally goes along. 

THIS FORUM is tremendously helpful!

eaglemom

Thanks so much for sharing. I'm glad that you both had a good day.

eagle

Cynbar

It was a big hill for me to get over, that DH could no longer make any decisions at all and it was just frustrating and upsetting him. In addition to making our days easier, it pushed me into a better acceptance of the overall situation.

DrinaJGB

You have to adopt the same mindset of dealing with the terrible two's in toddlers. DeJaVu.

Paris20

Yes, I too get great advice and great support here. I remember posting about taking a shower with DH, which he always loved. After days of refusing to shower, he happily jumped into the shower with me once I came up with the idea. I shaved his beard and had him wash. It was the least romantic shower ever but the idea worked.

I had the same good fortune when it comes to eating. My husband would starve to death if I continued to ask him what he wants to eat. As RBrown advised, NO CHOICES. I know what my husband likes and I make the same foods for both of us at every meal. With his sweet tooth, he has no problem asking for dessert but not providing choice for every other part of the meal has stopped him from losing more weight.

Buggsroo

I have learned not to offer a choice, my husband gets stymied if I offer him a choice, so I have become much more direct in my communication. It has confused my friends, but hey, it’s my new reality.

CStrope

So true, especially when it comes to ordering takeout.  I know things he likes and I just get it for him.  If there's ever a questions, I just tell him that this is what he always wants to have from that restaurant.

The other thing I have learned is not to make requests that he will undoubtedly fail at, it only causes him frustration which leads to problems all around.  I can ask him to bring me a glass of water, because I know he can do that.  I would not ask him to put the clothes in the dryer at high heat for 30 minutes, because that is too much for him to remember, and would not go well.

My sister works in the elementary school.  She said the difference between a child and a LOWD is that we're trying to help a child learn things for the future, that's not possible for someone with Alzheimer's.  Just because they used to be able to handle a task, or have been shown how to do it 10 times, does not mean they will be able to do it today.  Understanding and accepting that makes the days go much easier.  It's all about the expectations we have.

Stuck in the middle

That's right.  At the beginning of life, we surprise our caregivers with the new things we can do.  At the end of life, we surprise our caregivers with the things we can no longer do.

JoseyWales

I think it's been a process of knowing what just what to ask. DH has gone from normal, to me trying to narrow choices down for him, to me offering 2 or 3 choices, to me asking if he wants just one thing (yes or no), to me not even asking anymore. Had I tried to make choices for him earlier in this disease, he would have been greatly upset. 

No one learns this overnight. Our LO don't decline from the ability to make a choice to not being able quickly. We just need to know when to start limiting those choices.

storycrafter

Thank you for this. Acknowledging that this is a fact of our existence now, is helpful in cementing it in my mind. I keep slipping into our old mode of collaborating on things as a couple. My husband used to be so certain and clear. Now it's all too easy to slip back into attempting a discussion. There are times when he still can and it feels almost "normal." The inconsistency makes it a continuous balancing act.

I am slowly, slowly learning to rely only on myself as I gain my "sea legs." Working with my own mind is the biggest challenge, the discernment, the timing, the energy required, putting aside any wishful yearning. Reading about this today helps me continue the adjustment to doing it differently in this ever fluctuating landscape. Thank you all!