he thought I was trying to get rid of him

caberr

I took my DH to the senior center in the next town over to look at a program they have 2 days a week 3.5 hrs each day for people with dementia.  He enjoyed meeting everyone and he seemed to like it.  As soon as we left he said I'm not going there.  I told him he should try it for a week or 2 but he was pretty adamant that no he wasn't going.  I tried to explain that he would meet new people and give him something to look forward to. I told him it would give us both a break from each other. (instead of saying I need a break)  Guess that was the wrong thing to say.  He thought I was trying to get rid of him.  For days he was upset about the whole thing. 

 I'm not going to force him to go but wish he would because I need a break!  I can leave him home for an hour or so now but I know eventually I won't be able to. 

  I don't think I should make him go but how do you get someone with ALZ to go to a day center?

dayn2nite2

Trying to have a reasonable discussion with an impaired person is always going to result in a negative.

Stop discussing in advance.  On the days he goes, get him ready and take him.  Leave him.  Get him at end of day.  Rinse and repeat.

DrinaJGB

After over a decade of doing this I am totally and completely exhausted and disillusioned. Some days I do not know how to continue, but year after year I continue to shoulder all responsibilities of our life while he lives in a fantasy world that all is right with the world and he is "getting back". Not so---but there is no awareness of his disease process and what it has done to both our lives. Save your own life---any way you can before this disease claims yet another casualty.

Beachfan

It's been 3 1/2 years since I tried to get DH to attend a day program.  He was aware enough to find the activities not to his liking (Bingo, dancing, singing, etc.)  He was happy at home, sitting quietly in the morning, going out for lunch or to visit my mom in a NH, puttering in the fenced in area outside our house.  He became agitated in the afternoon, just before pick-up, so days were shortened. He was to attend 3 days a week, several hours.  He lasted a total of 5 days, one full and the rest partial.  It was suggested that I seek medicine for his anxiety and he was prescribed 50 mg. Zoloft.  In the end, I just stopped trying to get him to "like" it.  He never felt abandoned; just didn't like all the activity and forced socialization.  If I had to work, I would have tried harder to get him to acclimate; luckily I could just manage him at home.  After many years, the program closed down permanently during COVID, so that was that.  I still keep the Zoloft on hand (he probably doesn't need it, but maybe I will. LOL)  I hope you are able to work out something to give yourself a break; it would have been helpful for me at the time.  DH is now so compromised, I don't think I could get him ready and to a day program and it wouldn't be worth it as he "rests" for much of the day.  If there is an out of the home program in our future, it will be placement.  For now, it's status quo.  Like Drina, I am at this for 11 years, so Groundhog Day is just second nature to me now.  Best of luck!

Whyzit

I understand your frustration and need for space. My DH frequently responds negatively to what I suggest, “no” is his knee jerk response to most things. I have finally learned that his opinion can’t matter. You are in charge so don’t entertain his negativity.

I told DH that I thought it is wonderful that he signed up to be a volunteer at the senior center. He questioned when he did that and I told him before Covid shut everything down and now that it is open again he will be starting next week. Isn’t that great. No more conversation or convincing is needed.

He has bought into it and now enjoys going to a day program twice a week. 

It takes courage on your part to act with confidence in matters like this but you both will be rewarded for it.

abc123

Please don't give up yet. Seven hours a week of "you time" would be fabulous. That's 420 minutes every week to do whatever you want/need to do. Maybe stop mentioning "a break" and come up with something else. You know him best, what would he be comfortable with these days? Is there anything at all that he shows the slightest bit of interest in? If so, I'd use that and run with it. Is there any type of activity there that he could be a part of? Handing out papers of some sort, passing around snacks or helping sweep up or move chairs? He could be considered a maintenance volunteer. We all need to feel important and useful. I am pulling for you and him! Good luck with this.

Ed1937

Beachfan, the way your husband was, is exactly what I would expect from my wife. Luckily, I can get away when needed because our kids are almost always available to sit with her.

caberr

Thank you all.  

Beachfan, my husband is the same way.  He putters around the yard, watches tv which is new for him and tries to do things around the house.   He likes to walk and jog.  He was a runner.  He can't do these by himself anymore so I've been taking him to the HS track.  He can follow the white lines and its flat which makes it easier for him.   This was one of the things he said about being in the day program....I like to move not just sit.  

I am not working so I am going to keep him home for now.  

Donr

I had the same problem with my wife when I mentioned to her about a class that was once a week. They did music, crafts, and exercises for the group of people that had DM. She did not want to go but I told her to try it once and if she did not like it she wouldn't have to go back. She loved it and looked forward to it every week.

Jeff86

Day care was a total failure with my DW.  The facility is great, the people are great, and it’s connected to a nursery school with some supervised interaction between the PWD’s and the children.  I thought my DW would love that.

I toured the facility, met with the director, and discussed how to get started.  We agreed that a short day for the introductory session would be best—two hours plus lunch.  DW lasted no more than one hour, then insisted on being brought home.  On her return, she was irate.

I had unintentionally left a folder of information lying on the kitchen counter.  The facility was called ‘My Second Home.’  DW could still read then, and in large angry letters she wrote, “I never wanted a second home!”

That was it.  On to Plan B.

Just my experience.  YMMV, and I hope it does.