I made a decision.

Kibbee

JoseyWales - You are not being selfish, you are simply and thoughtfully moving forward with the necessary next steps to keep your loved one safe and cared for.  And, you are being realistic in recognizing what you need to do to take care of yourself, (physically, emotionally and financially) and taking appropriate action to meet those needs.  If the caregiver becomes ill or incapacitated, then no care can be provided and there will be two people needing care.

susan4665

My husband had a brain injury 2 years ago, he was home for a year and it was awful.  His dementia went from mild to severe quickly.  I made the decision to place him when home care givers could not keep him off the roof while trying to get to the basement.  We live in AZ no basement.  And he chased my daughter with a turkey carving fork. And cooked plastic.  I chose my daughter (who is from a prior marriage) over my husband of only 8 years.  

The placement was relatively easy (except for the guilt) and the medicaid process was tough on me, I hired a lawyer and it took a couple of applications to make it happen but it did.  My biggest issue was the interviewers would say my DH was fine...UM no he was not.  They lied on the application and said they interviewed him when in fact they did not.  I'm just happy I had a house where I could put the funds.  A good lawyer will guide you every step of the way.  I do not regret it as he is now 100% incontinent and needs help showering etc.  There is no way I could do it alone. 

I have now divorced him so I can move forward but I am still his POA since there is no one else.  In AZ there is the default divorce and while he was serviced, he had no idea of it all.  Sort of like a spouse abandoning the relationship.  I still care and will provide for him since no other family lives here and I visit him regularily but I no longer have a marriage so I needed the divorce for myself.  

Advise.... one day at a time and take care of YOU.

abc123

Dear Susan, thank you for sharing your story. I think it will help a lot of people here. I am sorry about what happened to your husband and your marriage but I hope you and your daughter can move forward and have peace in your hearts. Please continue to post and let us know how you are doing.