MC yes or no

Bhopper

Unfortunately everyone I don’t know I made the decision along with my son to transfer my sweet wife to memory care nine days ago and it has been excruciating I believe more so on me than her the first day was really rough for her and I I second-guessed for the first full six days was it too early did I do it right then I do it wrong should I have waited asking everybody I could if I could get an answer other than my wife is sick and I can’t change it with all my might I’ve always been able to address anything that she needed and it’s just not the case anymore I can’t fix it it breaks my heart every day when I wake up without her the thought that she knows I’m not there with her on any given day kills me but then I have to get back to reality and know that when she was home with a caregiver she wasn’t happy either the one thing I have noticed about memory care is she has started to engage some although she still asked me every day to go to our sons house or our nephews house or somewhere else she has not mentioned going back to our house which is quite unusual or maybe it’s usual I don’t know I hate this disease I hate these choices I hate that we all have to be here but I am grateful that you all are. Today I am packing the house that we lived in at the time she couldn’t read or write but she could design and she designed our home for three years knowing that it was the last fun thing she would be able to do while she had most of her abilities still and it’s awful. 

The answer is I don’t know I don’t think I ever will I wanna go back in time so bad I can’t stand it I’m sure you all understand that but it’s not gonna happen not for me and unfortunately probably not for any of you sorry to be a bummer but it’s just one of those days that really suck and I can’t fix it 

If it wasn’t for this form I would’ve crashed already and today I felt like I was gonna but I’m gonna pick them up and go across the bridge one step at a time go see her this evening like nothings wrong like it’s our new life and I’m happy to be in it

BH

Stuck in the middle

I'm not there yet, buy I have it ahead of me.  Thanks for sharing your experience.

Quilting brings calm

BH / breathe. You’ve got to put your own oxygen mask on  first. Your wife is safe.  You are not  abandoning her.  You’ve got empty nest syndrome. It’s going to take you a couple months to stop wandering around your home ( new apartment) feeling like you should be doing something but you don’t know what.   Buy a book. Pick out  a series in Netflix and watch one episode a day.

Bhopper

Wow quilting ! you hit it right on the head has seem to be circling the house not getting much done walking around in circles thank you for that it does Help that was the final deciding matter was if she was safe first happy second as neither one of us are happy all of the time obviously but she does seem to be doing better every day but thank you again that was excellent foresight

Bhopper

Just returned home from MC facility they called this morning at 11:30 said my wife had had a really tough night and I might want to come see if I can calm her down she wants out in a bad way this goes back to that I am a limit of what I can manage but yet I still feel maybe I could pull something off but my realistic brain says do as they say at the unit and expect the weekends sometimes to be longer for them because they’re not the normal routine that they may establish this makes the second Saturday that I made a trip out there and spent most of the evening it’s not perfect but I know overtime if I trust the process she will adapt they are big Proponents of Teepa Snow And try to make sure that they follow her techniques I am reassured by that but then I come right back and I’m sure rightfully doubt that they care for her as well as I do simply because I know we’re better. Virgil if you’re reading down this far I wish you the best in your upcoming transition if I’ve learned nothing else you have to trust them. I just hope tomorrow is a better day and honestly look forward to the day that I can take her for a drive and she consider the facility home when she says she wants to go home it may sound crazy to say but I honestly think when that time comes we will be able to have a relationship again. I have spoken with several folks that their spouse has gotten to that point where they consider MC home and even if they go to a semi-familiar location when they said they’re ready to go home that’s where they want to go if we can get there and I survive and she survives it will be a win. Sorry for the length folks it’s just been a long day and a long week and my genius thinking I decided to try and pack up the house while she was spending her first two weeks in memory care just a sidenote don’t do that you will wear yourself smooth out

miamvp

I am also at the point of trying to make the very, very tough decision about MC for DH soon. I have daytime caregiver now since June, 6 days/wk, which has helped immensely to finally be able to get out of the house alone or go see grandkids, after what seems like a couple years of being under house arrest and doing nothing but caring for his needs. But I still get terrible sleep, generally up every 2 hours or so, 4 hours max on any given night. He gets up, can't find toilet, or goes somewhere that's not the toilet, and then needs help to get back in bed without issues.  Everyone tells me I need to "take the oxygen mask first", take care of myself or I will end up with health issues later on (mental or physical), and in my head I know it's probably time to make the move, but my heart just can't accept it. I've been to most all the MC facilities in my area recently (now that I can get out and do that), and I can't imagine him living in any of them. It's so hard -   he was an MD, always the sweetest, most gentle and loving person.  But now he sometimes seems to be making up for all the times he never got angry or ruffled or said anything in a mean or insulting way.  On the days that are good ones, I think it's not yet time to make any move, but then he has some bad days, and I think, wow, it's past time, he should be in a facility, and I can't stand living with him anymore.  I just can't imagine how to do the actual task of just taking him to some place  and leaving him there, and driving away.  I can't even tell him about a doctor's appt., or a fun thing like kids coming to visit without it causing stressful behaviors, so I know I can't really discuss doing this with him, but it seems so mean to just do it all behind his back, so to speak.   Thanks for all the other comments and advice I've read from others going through the same dilemma...

Virgil61

Hi - yes, I'm reading.   I'm reading it all.  Our day is very soon - I am considering all that you have written as well as others to help prepare for what's coming.  I am watching TV right now and she just came out of bed "scared a little" and wanting to make sure I was here - I assured her I was and would be right along.  I can fix this - she won't be scared now.  As you know  - these nights are numbered.

M1

Bhopper, I can see why Quilting Brings Calm said to breathe:  reading your posts is like reading William Faulkner, with no punctuation and long run-on sentences!!  It does have a breathless feel to it.  Even though the facility is calling you, maybe it is time to give it a few days without your presence.  I can understand that the weekend might not be the best time to do that, if their staffing levels are down--but maybe this week you can take some respite time for yourself and see how she does.  I know your heart is hurting.  Hard to let go--but as you yourself have said, you can't fix this.

NancyTS

Like you, I second guess myself almost daily. Was it too soon? Is he where he needs to be? Did I do it for his best interest or because I couldn’t stand it any longer? Then I’m reminded of how anxious and fearful and confused he was at home. He no longer knew it as home and would tell me, his wife, that ‘his wife would be very upset if she came home and found me here’. My children remind me, when I doubt myself, again, that it was the right decision for him. And for me. It still makes me in to my stomach 18 months later.

NancyTS

Oh, Miamvp, my heart aches for you as all you’re saying brings the painful memories come rushing back, taking my breathe away. Please know that your DH will be fine, maybe even better, in an environment that better suits where he ‘is’ now. I believe the stress of my husband’s  illness, along with my physical exhaustion, sleep deprivation and anxiety, made his stress and anxiety worse. In other words, I was keeping him in that environment more for me than for him. As hard and painful as it is and will continue to be, it sounds like it’s time for both of you. When move day came, my children did it because they knew I couldn’t bear to. My prayers are with your family.

miamvp

Thank you for your kind and helpful words. Blessings to you and your family as well. 

Bhopper

Just another update folks another challenging day but an enjoyable visit for three of the four hours. I think I figured out part of the problem is me I have as much trouble being apart from her if she does for me so that creates part of the problem she doesn’t want me to leave I don’t want to go and she really doesn’t like it when I’m gone to work but they grasp of time is missing on her side. But amazingly enough she knows that I leave after she goes to sleep and can recall that the next day a lot of other things have gaps in it but she can recall that I left in the night and didn’t come to see her till the next day afternoon. I catch myself saying maybe I can do a hybrid of assisted living and memory care during the day but I’m afraid that answer is for me so my stomach doesn’t turn so much. I tell myself I know if it was easy we wouldn’t love them like we do it would not have put our self in the situation of being caretakers in the 1st Pl., Man there’s got to be another way. Like I said 100 times my brain knows better but my heart doesn’t thanks to all for the support been a tough run but there is a little bit of light at least I’m sleeping a little bit. Best wishes to all follow up soon

Virgil61

Thats uplifting - thanks for the update!

Bhopper

Specifically for those of y’all in the same boat right now Virgil I know you’re one another several others that are out on the fence yesterday I had a productive meeting with the memory care executive Director they adjusted some of her meds and they believe she’s starting to acclimate we had our best evening yet not to say there are no challenges but we had our best evening as far as the visit goes and they say that she is engaging more and more if I am absent a little bit more we have revised my times to come after dinner so she has that socialization time up to now I think she has been so focused on when I’m coming she was not engaging but they said she starting to which I take as a win and has allowed me to get through today I hope that this gives some of you help and support if needed to get through the first two weeks I am now glad that I stuck to the decision we’re long ways from adjusted But like I said I slept probably seven hours for the first time in a month last night. Sorry for the grammar I use voice text!

French

Very happy that she adjusts and that you begin to breath better.

Bhopper

 Thanks French !

I also just received a message from the memory care coordinator Director but she has had a good day today which makes it possible for me to have the same. This is one of the really great things about these support boards is somebody’s always available whether it is two in the morning or two in the afternoon thank you all and please don’t assume that somebody does not read your posts. I can guarantee you I would not have made it through the last year without this group thank you all.

BH

abc123

Thank you for the update. It makes perfect sense that she would be focused on you getting there. I think this update will help a lot of us here. Thank you!

Ed1937

That sounds like a win to me. Glad to hear it.

Virgil61

Hi - Thanks for the update!  I am actually communicating with the MC people while I type this.  All is set and they want to know if I want to drop her Thursday AM.  darn*, that is soon.  They also think that I should plan to stay away for 2-3 weeks to allow her to acclimate (they said I would receive updates, pics, etc. frequently during this time).  I guess that may be better on me too.  I am on the fence and told them I'll decide if Thursday works tonight and let them know.  I had been thinking about next week but mayhap should get on with it.  Geeez - this will be a summer to remember.  VERY glad to hear things are moving at a positive pace for you!

Stuck in the middle

Sounds like the first day of school.  You just have to take them there and let them go inside to meet their new friends.  Harder on the parents than the kids.

Bhopper

Virgil 

they told me to prepare the same way we went in on a Wednesday we did the afternoon thing and she absolutely blew up at me and that was on me because I stayed too long and then I tried to be the fixer..The first two days were the longest without a doubt in the first week I could barely get my head off the pillow to move around and get things done week two has been a little better not with that challenge. I was reminded today when I really watched her in that setting that the decision was the right decision I still hate it I still miss her terribly but I know she is safe and well taken care of and that’s what matters I promised her mom and dad I would take care of her and that’s the best I can do I hope that gives you some comfort. just a sidenote Virgil today was the first day I did some thing for myself and two years and with that was was go register my pick up without feeling like I was in a hurry to get home to take care of something it’s a small victory. Additionally by the way this evening two of the three hours she was somewhat lost but the last hour before she went to sleep was good it makes it all worth it

BH

Virgil61

Thanks much Mister - your posts have been very helpful.  I am most pleased to hear that your wife is adjusting and that things are easing a bit for you.  That is important to me as I have decided to move her as suggested by the MC people on Thursday AM.  So we are in the witching hour now.   I am optimistic that we will realize a turn for the better soon too.  So, on a dramatic note, I will now go to share our bed with her (as I have for almost 4 decades) for the second to last night before we "turn the page".  48 hours from now will not be good.  Not good at all.  Thanks again for the update!

French

Virgil, may I suggest you plan your Thursday evening with friends or family so that not to go around in circle and have somebody to talk to. It should help. I imagine you certainly don’t want to go far (in case of… what ?), but planning activities with other people the 3 to 4 first days is certainly a good idea.

Virgil61

Thank you French - but no.  My wife is the only one I will want to be with.  The last thing I want when she goes away is to be consoled by anyone or to try and be distracted by chitchat.  I will drop her off tomorrow morning and turn my back to the place and get in my truck and drive away.  Although I only live about 50 miles from the MC facility, it will take me about 500 miles to get back (not gonna use the word "home" any longer).  Thank you for posting!

loveskitties

Virgil,

My heart goes out to you.  

I hope that the adjustment period is short and you are able to visit soonest, for both of your sakes.

Please be safe on that trip back.