Paranoia?????

Palmetto Peg

Why is my DH getting so paranoid?  He is approximately stage 3-4, still able to go out and about a bit, and can function on his own in public.  I have recently noticed that most of his conversations have to do with people who either don't like him and talk about him (not true) or are looking at him funny, etc.  If I try to persuade him that this is not happening, he gets very loud and angry and continues to give examples of what people have said or done.  We live in a community of primarily retired people and some of them are quite political.  When we first moved here 6 years ago, during the 2016 Presidential campaign, there were some individuals who made disparaging comments about "Liberals" or "Democrats", but none directed at him.  He talks about it like it happened yesterday and like he was the target and was publicly humiliated.  None of that happened!!!

I am concerned that he is going to do this outside of our home, and perhaps get into a verbal altercation with someone he thinks is disrespecting him or his political position.  He plays golf a few times a week, and almost always comes home with a story of someone who made him feel uncomfortable so he didn't stay for lunch or a beer afterward.  I want him to get out as long as he can, because he broods when he is home.  

Why is this going on?  Is it specific to a certain type of dementia, or does it happen at certain stages?  Is there a time when I should be sharing his diagnosis with people so they are not totally offended?  How do I redirect the conversation at home?

Sorry - lots of questions, but thank you all as always for your input.

David J

Peg- Many of us have had to deal with paranoid delusions from our PWDs. I went through it when my wife was at about the same stage as your husband. Her’s was directed at one particular individual, but she would tell everyone we knew all about “the woman”. It was all a delusion but was very real to her. My wife’s psychiatrist, who manages all her psych and neuro meds, put her on antipsychotics which helped. Time was the real solution, since she no longer remembers any of it.

Ed1937

Palmetto Peg wrote:

How do I redirect the conversation at home?

Offer him some ice cream, and put on some music that he liked years ago. Or anything else like that. Then hope for the best.

We have a son who deals with paranoia. I can tell you it's not easy for anyone to handle. But the proper medication can help.

JJAz

Palmetto Peg wrote:

Why is this going on?  Is it specific to a certain type of dementia, or does it happen at certain stages?  Is there a time when I should be sharing his diagnosis with people so they are not totally offended?  How do I redirect the conversation at home?

Paranoia is a common aspect of all types of dementia; it's not unusual in almost any stage until late in the disease.  They need to feel heard or validated.  When it happens at home, you're best off becoming his ally and not arguing with him; changing the subject as soon as he feels validated.  me: "Wow. Did they say that directly to you?  Well that isn't very nice.  I don't think they should do that.  Next time I see the Superintendent/Manager/Boss/ I'm going to make sure to report that.  [or next time I'm going to stay away from those guys].  I'm glad we have each other.  You're always there for me and I'm always there for you.  Remember when we were first married and that guy was picking on me.  You always took care of me and then we'd go for ice cream.  Hey, you want some ice cream?"  I'd always prattle on until I saw DH's face relax and then I knew it was time to change the subject.

Regarding golf.  I remember this stage so vividly, and with so much sadness.  Based on what you've described, other players have probably noticed that he's not a "normal" guy, and they are probably treating him as an outsider.  This may also be the source of his paranoia.  Not everyone is caring and compassionate. 

 If the other players are friends, pull one or two (or more) aside and tell them what's going on.  See if they will help you out by including him better.  Ask them to fill you in on what's going on .  You can't expect them to sacrifice their day of fun if including your DH is a chore (although some will for a while).  Once my DH got to the stage that he was a "job" for the others guys to take care of, I hired one of the young pros at the club to play with my DH.  That kept him playing for another year.  Good luck

Palmetto Peg

Thanks for the suggestions!  I will try to not argue with him or dissuade him from what he sees as reality.  I can agree or just nod and then change the subject for a bit.  As far as golf goes, I imagine some of the guys do have an idea that he has changed.  It is interesting, too, that when his symptoms started really being noticeable to me, his game got worse.  He used to shoot in the low to mid 80's, and now he is usually over 90 and occasionally over 100.  I'm not sure why, but I would guess it is connected.  In the beginning, his playing partners tried to give him tips, but he has never taken criticism well, so I imagine they may have stopped trying.  I am encouraging him to play with a different group of higher handicappers, and they are mostly friends so I could tell a few of them what is going on.  If I have to, I will play with him!  We do play occasionally, so I could just offer more often while he still can.  He has said lately that he doesn't enjoy it any longer, so he may quit on his own before too long.

I feel like things are progressing rapidly with him.  I am guessing that this disease has its ups and downs like any other and at times it moves forward more quickly than other times.  I am starting to subtly get rid of things we wouldn't take with us in a move, and thinking about how I will orchestrate a move to an apartment.  I can do a lot around the house, but I do have some pretty significant arthritis in my wrists and hands, so heavy lifting is out.  I think within 2 years or so we will be moving on.

Again - this forum is so good and I am learning more every day!!!!

Rescue mom

Great ideas here to try. My DH also had similar feelings/reactions, although he did not get angry or hostile, he’d be more like hurt and “broody” and not want to go out or do whatever again. . His doc gave him a very low dose anti-anxiety drug, and that worked wonders. 

And, as someone else hinted at, some things or comments may have really been made, perhaps in a joking way like guys do with each other (IME) and now it’s hurtful to him, because he no longer recognizes the social interplay. That happened to my DH, although an office setting and not golf. Things were done/said that were painful—many unintentional, and some reacting to his abnormal behavior—while sometimes he did overreact.

His staff knew he wasn’t normal, but did not know what. Others also noticed, and ugly speculation started about reasons for the behavior. Anyway, long story shorter, it was better when I told people he had Alzheimer’s. By then, of course, he was no longer able to function at his former position. But before they knew Alzheimer’s, his off behavior did lead to some untactful, or unpleasant, things that could have been, and was, avoided when people knew.