moving my dad from MI to MN

katemartin

I'm hoping someone has some advice about how to talk to my dad about moving him from Michigan to Minnesota.

My dad is currently in assisted living in Michigan, where he and my family are from.  When he was first diagnosed, he was living at home and became unable to care for himself.  We didn't really understand what was going on, and thought he might eventually go back home (we had some thought that confusion was from untreated diabetes...we just were taken by surprise)- he wanted to stay in Michigan, where he's lived his whole life.  But, the rest of my family (all siblings) live in Minnesota now, basically within a few miles of one another.  We're flying back to see him, needing to get rental cars, hotels, etc. and he is just not getting the social interaction that I think he needs & would be good for him.  The final issue was that he was hospitalized twice last year related to UTI / diabetes stuff and it was so difficult to drop our whole lives and go out there, only to be not allowed into the hospital because of COVID restrictions.   I feel like the decline will continue and it's just going to be better for lots of reasons to have him here.  We've asked him multiple times, but he isn't interested in moving.  We are set on moving him here, have found a place for him a mile away with a good reputation and will be able to visit daily- the issue is:  how to do the move- what to say to him and how to make the transition as smooth as possible.  When we moved him out of his house, he was basically living in filth and we told him it wasn't a choice, he moved to the place we found for him (that is very nice) or, in his words, "the men with white coats" will come get him and remove him.  He pretty quickly accepted it and didn't fight - just asked lots of questions over and over, and we stayed with him at the new place to get him settled for a few weeks...so do we just do the same kind of thing?  I feel ok lying to him, which might sound bad - basically I'm fine with whatever will help make the transition calmer for him and easier for him to settle.  It's the best thing for him...just need to figure out how to break it to him.

Advice greatly appreciated.

loveskitties

Can you just tell him family wants to have him visit, and then just not take him back?  You could say that the other place had a licensing issue or they were under staffed or because of Covid.

KristyFaye

I'll be following this because I am in TN and my dad in CA alone. I went out 3 weeks ago because he couldn't move his left arm and it turned out he had had 3 strokes and dementia. He refused to go into rehab or assisted living, so they gave him 3 weeks with in home care. They have all agreed he can't live alone. I want him to come to a home here so I can visit him and he can still see his dogs. But I can't even begin to figure out how to make that happen. Currently he claims he is fine and he hates me for making all of this up.

MN Chickadee

Welcome, from one Minnesotan to another. You have made a wise choice, you outline exactly why it needs to happen in your post. Being far away just isn't an option once dementia really takes hold. You are correct that more will come up, the emergencies will become more frequent, and it is in his best interest to be close to family and decision makers. 

We often have to use therapeutic fibs with our loved ones. Their brains become too compromised to process logic and the only way to proceed is without their input, we just find work arounds and finesse the situation. Often we have to call it a temporary thing. Find the fib that will work based on how much working memory he has. In my mother's case her loop was less than 5 minutes, so any planning or explanation was quickly forgotten.  So we didn't discuss it at all leading up to it. If that is the case, do all the logistics ahead of time and then put him in the car under the guise of going to breakfast and after breakfast keep driving. Perhaps you get word that there is a broken pipe or no electricity at the former apartment but he can come stay close to you for a few days until it's fixed. If he is a bit more with it, perhaps you are bringing him for a visit (you want him to come for someone's birthday or something) and just extend it. Maybe it's a "senior hotel " he ca stay at. Maybe his doctor recommended it as a top notch place to improve some current health problem, he's going to get the best care and rehab. Usually temporary is the kindest thing to go with. Maybe you can return home next week when the pipe is fixed or the doctor says you are discharged. Or the weather is better, or the other place isn't on covid lock down, or whatever. Always next week, rinse and repeat. The transition can take some time. Expect at least a few weeks of hell, with him upset or anxious or having difficulties and you wondering if you did the right thing. That is par for the course. Hopefully once he settles in you will all have an easier time. I know how hard it is, both the initial move and the second one. I have no regrets. Moving my mother close to me has been amazing, and has improved her quality of life as well as mine. It was definitely worth the hassle of the move. 

katemartin

Thanks for that reassurance.  I feel guilty because I know it will be upsetting in the short-term, but nice to hear from others that it's the right thing to do.

katemartin

Good luck on your move!

jfkoc

I would approach this from the angle of he is really missed by everyone and that all of you can hardly stand not to have him as part of everyones daily life.  I you have grandchildren tell him how important it is that they know their grandfather. 

What ever you do don't tell him it is for his own good!