Mad at myself

PattiTavares

I am very new here. My husband gets very confused lately and I think he is starting to get paranoid. He was diagnosed about 1.5 years ago but for me I think he has had Alzheimers for about 5 years but just progressed to where I really noticed it. I think its progressing faster than I thought. I find myself losing it and getting angry with him when I know I shouldn't and then I feel awful and get down on myself. Does anyone have some good coping skills to share? I miss the man I married and I know this is only going to get worse and need some advice. Thank you and I cant wait to learn from you all.  

M1

Hi Patti. I joined this forum a year ago this week for similar reasons, I was getting so frustrated answering the same questions over and over, and realized I was the only one who could change. This forum has been a lifesaver, read all you can and you'll learn a ton. That said, I haven't had to deal with much paranoia. Anger yes, but not paranoia.  I don't know that paranoia is manageable without medications, frankly, have you discussed with his docs? That would be my primary suggestion. Welcome.

Virgil61

Hi - I felt the same as you when my wife started "leaving us".  She was also showing symptoms long before she was diagnosed.  I had to come to terms with how "I" was handling things.  I was not patient nor very understanding.  I kept thinking she was not trying to fight getting older and using the diagnosis as a crutch.  I finally learned that that was not the case.  Once I realized that she was steadily getting worse and there was nothing she could do about it, my whole outlook changed.  This was the first step for me to get past my anger/frustration with her.  It is a steady battle but you have to remember that he didn't do anything wrong.  I wish you well.

French

Hi patty,

My partner has been diagnosed 27 months ago at 50, beginning stage 6c now. I am still in the mood you describe so I won’t give advice. I think that everyone manages as he/she can with his/her own personality. I am impatient, not sur I will become patient but I progress a little.

Here you can freely express what you feel and you will always be understood and supported. There is no stupid question but lot of valuable answers that really help.

I take the occasion to thank everyone participating here to render our life a little easier… and to do efforts to understand my poor English

Donr

I have this problem: My mouth acts quicker than my brain sometimes.

loveskitties

Dear French,

Your English is great....my French not so much...lol...3 yrs of it in high school many moons ago.

Doityourselfer

Being a caregiver to a spouse with Alzheimer's is not easy.  Patience is key.  I was less patient with my husband when he was in the early stages and could still put his clothes on, shave, shower, use utensils, etc.  Know that he can't control his actions and over time will lose the ability to do anything.

One coping skill is that I've been keeping a journal/log about the progression of my husband's AD since 2016.  This is helping me see how quickly he's going through the stages.  I compare where is now (severe stage AD) to where he was a year ago, two years ago, and so on.  I also tell myself this is temporary.

You will find a lot of useful information on this forum.  

CStrope

Hi Patti.  My husband was diagnosed about a year ago.  I think the best thing I did was stop thinking I had any ability to change his actions.  He is not a child that is going to be able to learn things, and accepting that helped immensely.  If I ask him to do something and he can't, or find something he has done wrong, I can't correct him.  It's not going to help. Coming to that realization is one of the hardest things, but also the most helpful.

I think when you're quite a bit younger than your LOWD it's hard to do this, because it's admitting that our days of enjoying the things you always did together are gone, and at our age that seems like a bleak outlook. You're going to have crappy moments, days and even weeks.  It's okay.  You'll have times where you feel frustrated, sad, angry, and even guilty.  Just take it one day at a time.....just one day at a time.

aod326

Hi Patti. I found the earlier stages harder than the later ones. Earlier in the progression, DH had good and bad days and I found it difficult to switch between the two. I found myself getting impatient that he'd fed the dog twice each mealtime, or that he asked the same question multiple times. 

What made a huge difference for me was when I finally realized he was no longer "old Michael", and would never again be. I couldn't expect him to act in the same way, know the same things. It hurt so much that I couldn't share things with him in the same way, that he lost his wonderful sense of humor. But when I changed to thinking of him as an entirely different person, with just a few similarities, I had no expectations. Honestly for me it was an almost overnight switch to much greater patience, which greatly surprised me! I think it was like how if your spouse slurps his coffee it sends you crazy, but if a friend does it, you overlook it.

There were still times when I went into another room and screamed into a pillow because he'd asked the same question for the hundredth time, (usually why couldn't he drive), but changing my own mindset made my life less stressful. I'm sure that wouldn't work for everyone, but it helped me.

Whatever tips you try, though, one thing is certain - you are a human, living with someone who has a demanding, often endlessly demanding and challenging. That means, you'll get frustrated irritated - and that's perfectly normal. try not to get down on yourself. Like everyone here, you're doing the best you can.

Stuck in the middle

Hi, Patti.

I use the Serenity Prayer.  I ask for the courage to change what I can, the patience to accept what I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Bhopper

Patti,

I am pretty sure everyone here understands exactly how you feel when the one you love changes the way they react it causes reaction from you what do you want to or not and you feel bad about it after the fact I think what I figured out is I get angry at the disease and sometimes I am not able to control it as well as I would like but emotion it’s just that it’s emotion and frustration and anger all in one I think I can pretty clearly say that you are not alone in that feeling. Sorry for the ramble just intending to let you know I had the same battle for five years as the changes have occurred. Please give yourself a pass you’re doing the best you can and that’s all we can do. 

BH

White Crane

Hi Patti, and welcome to the forum.  I'm sorry you need to be here.  Read all you can on the different threads.  And try not to be too hard on yourself.  You are human and we all lose patience and react poorly at times.  It is so hard to accept that your LO is not the same as he used to be...and never will be again.  It's sad.  It hurts.  We all want to change it but we can't.  So we try to accept the situation and to help them in any way we can.  It helps me to:  get enough sleep; talk to a trusted friend; pray; read what others are saying on this forum; read information from the Alzheimer's Association; get away for awhile whenever I can; realize I still love him even though I hate the disease. Come here as often as you like and ask lots of questions.  There is always someone who has "been there done that."

Ed1937

Patti, welcome to the forum. Sorry you have reason to be here. But it's a good one, where you'll learn, and help others.

I'm sorry if what I'm about to say is something that you aren't aware of. The reason I'm saying that is because we had a new member who has been on this road several years longer than I have, but did not know. The main thing you have to do, in my opinion, is to fully accept what is in your future. Dementia is fatal, and you have to know that. He is on a one way street, and there is no way to get back where you started. It will only get worse with time. Once you have accepted that, you are on your way to deal with it.

When he does things that seem intentional, remember that his brain is broken. He cannot change. Only you can change, and that is key to remember. You will learn how to react with different circumstances, and people here can help with just about anything that will come along. So post about anything that is causing concern for you. People here understand, and that is something that is very hard to find in the real world. Best of luck to you.

PattiTavares

Thank you so so much. 

PattiTavares

Thank you for this.

Iris L.

I used to yell at my cats when they did something wrong or made a mess, until I realized one cat was very afraid of me.  I made a decision to never yell at them again!  I might yell to myself but I don't yell at them.  They have simple brains and don't know what they're doing.  The other morning, they knocked over a laundry basket full of stuff.  I berated myself for leaving it where they could knock it over.  But I did not yell!

Iris 

Crushed

Iris L. wrote:

I used to yell at my cats when they did something wrong or made a mess, until I realized one cat was very afraid of me.  I made a decision to never yell at them again!  I might yell to myself but I don't yell at them.  They have simple brains and don't know what they're doing.  The other morning, they knocked over a laundry basket full of stuff.  I berated myself for leaving it where they could knock it over.  But I did not yell!

Iris 

I play chess with DW's old laptop  computer and I can be very rude and vulgar. when I win I call it names and abuse it completely.  When I lose I'm ever worse  seems to help.  I did buy it a new battery so it cant complain. I treat it nicely but just yell at it. 

Arrowhead

Like Doityourselfer, I've been keeping a journal about my wife's Alzheimer's journey for 4 1/2 years now. It helps me keep track of her progression during all of that time. It's also a good place to record your own thoughts, feelings, frustrations, reactions. We won't always have someone we can talk to, but writing these things down is good therapy. You can pour out your heart and soul and not worry that others will get tired of hearing about it. All of my best thoughts go with you.

Daughter of a Marine

Welcome Patti - I'm so sorry you are in a position to need this input, but I'm so glad you've reached out since you will find a wealth of support and information here.  I am very much in the same boat with you - my DH was diagnosed with mild dementia about 10 yrs ago and things were pretty stable for some time but for the past 2 years or so, I've noticed decline.  He is asking the same question multiple times and gets confused very easily. I am constantly revisiting conversations we just had. I wish I had some great wisdom to share on how I'm getting through but I am struggling in many of the ways you describe - I want my husband back the way he was. I miss him and am feeling so very alone.  I can't share my thoughts and fears with our 4 kids since this is breaking their hearts and i can't make it worse for them and I know it will only get worse.

Iris L.

Crushed wrote:

 

 I can be very rude and vulgar.  I call it names and abuse it completely.  When I lose I'm ever worse  .   I just yell at it. 

I made a decision NOT to be like this.  It can be done. 

Iris