New diagnosis. How much do we tell mom?

Amysuema

My mother was diagnosed with general dementia last month. After her diagnosis, her geriatrician spent 30 minutes on the phone with me, but I've thought of a million questions since then and we don't get to see him again for two months. The doctor never explicitly told her she has dementia, rather it seems to be our responsibility. My sister and I aren't exactly sure how to start the conversation. She understands that her "memory is slipping", but doesn't understand that it's more serious than that. Luckily, as she has recognized her "slipping memory" over the last year, she has allowed me to slowly assume all her financial and other business affairs. But the doctor has instructed to take her car away and this is new territory she will not agree with. She has always been extremely independent and the loss of her car will likely cause a great deal of emotional pain. We don't want to take her car away for what will feel like "no reason" to her, but obviously our #1 priority is to keep her safe. How do we even start these conversations? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you!

Tdrinker46

I was very lucky the PA diagnosed my husband with Alzheimer’s Dementia and told us the state needed to be informed of diagnosis.  She offered to do the paperwork involved in getting his license suspended.  She was the mean lady who said I can’t drive (per my DH).  Ask the doctor to tell your Mom, you don’t want to be responsible for taking away that privilege.  My DH knew he had memory issues but never admitted it.  Most people don’t accept the diagnosis.  You could agree with her when she mentions memory lapses, but not make a big deal about it.  Do not correct her or say don’t you remember.

M1

Welcome, there are lots of threads on similar topics that may be of help to you. I think a lot of us, me included, started off thinking that having a diagnosis was going to result in a confrontational conversation and an aha moment for our loved one. Not so much. My partner sometimes is aware of her deficits and sometimes not. The cars are a huge issue and there's no one answer, except that it's crucial to enforce.  I am still fighting this battle though less frequently as things progress.  You can try hiding the keys, disabling it, selling it, appealing to reason though this latter is unlikely to succeed. An accident could cost her everything, literally and figuratively. Plus, if she can't remember the details to testify, she could be held liable even for something not her fault. Maybe you can get the doc to be the heavy but it likely still will fall to you guys to take the practical steps.  Best wishes-

robinja

That’s a tough call.  I’m not sure that my family handled it well or consistently with my mom when she got her diagnosis. I think we all mentioned “dementia” to her at some point in time, but mostly we avoided telling her and she would forget anyway. Although Mom knew that something was wrong, I’m not sure she would ever have accepted a diagnosis of AD or dementia.  Like I said, I don’t know if we handled things the right way or not. In hindsight, I think my mom could have benefited from some kind of counseling (psychiatrist or psychologist), but her doctor never suggested it, and he was a family friend and we trusted that she was getting all of the care she needed.

Thankfully, her doctor told her that she couldn’t drive anymore, and she accepted it. She didn’t like it, but she accepted it. If my dad or me or my siblings had told her she couldn’t drive, I think it would have been much harder. 

I hope you can get through all of this without too many fireworks. 

jfkoc

What possible good will it do your mother to know that she has dementia? I would continue with the slipping memory.

Now the car. Always blame the removal on someone else. If you think she will fail the test tell her she has to take it for medicare or insurance. You can even let them know before the test what the situation is.

Lgw

I was lucky that my husband's doctor told him of the diagnosis and stressed to him that he not be allowed to drive unless I was in the car with him. The confusion of him getting lost if he accidentally made a wrong turn was the excuse the doctor gave.

Rockym

I know this may sound silly, but I tossed a soft splash ball at my mom and said "Think quick."  When she couldn't catch it I explained that anyone can die in the 2 seconds that she couldn't respond.  It was early in her Dx so she understood and we then had someone drive for her.