I feel like a terrible person

caberr

I am so down today.  Last few days have been rough but if I could just remain patient things wouldn't be as bad.  My DH isn't as far along as some of  your LO's but I feel like I'm really losing it!

Started on Friday.  We went to the beach about an hour from home.  DH picked the beach, it was the first time all summer that we went.  I made lunches, packed towels, chairs, umbrella etc. He did bring some things out to the car and all was well until just as we are leaving he needs this and he needs that.  Always something, I blew my cool!  Set the tone for the rest of the day....stupid me!  Put it this way it was easier taking our 5 kids to the beach by myself when they were younger!

Then yesterday was good until last night after dinner I left an open bottle of red wine on the counter.  You guessed it, he knocked it over and almost the whole bottle spilled all over the cabinet, dish washer, floor and under the refrigerator.  I went into the kitchen and he was just standing there  washing something in the sink.  I blew it again but this time I really blew it!  I told him to get out of the kitchen so I could clean it up but he just stood there.  So again I yelled to take off your shoes and get out.  He did.  This morning he told me I want him out and he should go live with our son a few hours away.  I don't want him out and apologized for acting so crazy.  We both cried. 

He seems better now but I am really mad at myself and feel so down and so horrible.  I know the more I get upset with him the worse he gets.  Sometimes I just lose it and can't help it.  I've heard all of it "you are only human, you are dealing with this all the time and you are doing a good job".  These don't help! 

I am mad at this disease, envious of "normal" couples and I know I need to change because he can't. 

dayn2nite2

I’m sorry this happened.  To avoid future outing disappointment YOU pick the outing, don’t discuss in advance, you pack car and tell him where on the way.  Don’t continue to solicit his input because the outing will devolve into what you experienced.  Better yet, get someone to stay with him at home and you do something enjoyable for you.

I will say that you have to child-proof the house, because whatever can be knocked over or broken will be, and there will be no recognition.

My LO dropped something on the cooktop and broke it, I cut myself deeply while removing the ceramic pieces and while I was bleeding and wondering whether to call 911, my LO was standing there with an empty coffee cup waiting for me to make coffee.

anneleigh

I am sorry you are feeling down today.  I had that same feeling this morning, but I had to just walk away and have some alone time to think through the next step.  Around the time I stepped away a dear friend had sent me a text message out of the blew encouraging me.  It gave me the strength to overlook my husbands' actions and just focus on getting through the day.

I hope and pray that today you will get through your day with confidence!  You are a true caregiver willing to help out your dear husband.  

Blessings~

Pooh Bear

Dear caberr,

You are NOT a terrible person.  You are a human who needs NORMAL, just like me and everyone else here.  If you are a terrible person, sign me up as the President of The Terrible Person's Club.

Just vent here.  To me.  To anyone.  To the CLOUD for pete's sake.  

I wish you a good day.  I wish the same for myself and the millions of others in our situation.

Love,

Pooh Bear

Ed1937

Caberr, I think most of us have lost our cool at some time during our ride on this road. Instead of being a horrible person, you are a saint for doing what you're doing for him. This forum is filled with saints, and you fit in nicely.

Mint

(((Caberr))) Guessing you are not a terrible person or you wouldn’t feel bad.  Now and then I raise my voice too and wished I hadn’t.  Usually when this happens have another stressor going on at same time.  So sorry, know it ruined something you were looking forward to.  Very hard on husband too.

loveskitties

One of the things that is most difficult for a caregiver is to transition from thinking of our LO as a rational adult.  This disease turns them into unknowing children/infants.  We can no longer depend on them to have reasonable actions.

I understand that knowing this and actually living this is hard to do.  Perhaps, the "count to 10" before reacting to an issue will help.  Otherwise, perhaps just walk away for a minute.

You are not a bad person...obviously...because you are regretful.

We all have times when the situation we are presented with is more than we can handle at the time.

Crushed

My mother , who had seven children , used to say if, at the end of the day you have the same number of children as at the beginning of the day YOU  are a  GOOD MOTHER

The same is true for caretakers Unless you used a pistol or a knife or an axe and left a body on the floor you are just a normal person faced with the incredible horrible demands of this disease 

 No guilt EVER    
 

DrinaJGB

LOL Crushed You made my day!!

Buggsroo

This could be me. I have lost it with my husband many times.

I seem to understand better that he is broken, he can’t help what he has become. 

Today, I was upstairs going through some old clothing. He phoned my mother thinking I had left. I told him I would always tell him when I go out. It made me really sad that he didn’t realize I was upstairs.

When he fiddles with things, I get crazy, I have to literally talk myself out of killing him. 

If you haven’t had enough sleep, just upset at always being together etc.you will blow, I have and then I feel awful. You are not a bad person, you just have too much on your plate. Please don’t feel bad, it isn’t worth it. Thankfully your hubby won’t remember and you can start off with a fresh slate.

Iris L.

In addition to memory loss, PWDs lose the ability to think.  They no longer think, if A, then B.  If my SO is not here, then she is in another room.  This is why they don't figure anything out and get so lost mentally.

Iris

LadyTexan

I want to emphasize that you are not a terrible person. You are a human being with real feelings in a terrible situation.

As you described your day, I could recall in vivid detail, along with the frustration, of going through many similar experiences with my DH. 

• Its not just when we try to leave the house, when he needs his hat, he needs his sunglasses, he needs to smoke another cigarette and then he cannot get in the car without what seems like a game of twister between the two of us.
• Its also when we are going through our night time routine of take the meds, smoke a cigarette, brush his teeth, take off his clothes. Getting in him positioned in the bed correctly is a chore because he has apraxia. Sometimes, once he is all tucked in and I wearily crawl into bed, he then wants a glass of ice water. Argh.

I'm a little more seasoned (most of the time) to not blow my top because the consequences are days and days of the silent treatment and pouting. Even when I am silent and about to lose my mind, he can sense it and he will say something like "you are treating me shitty". 

I remind myself not to have ANY expectations. I remind myself that his brain is broken. I know it is unfair. I am so very sorry you are in this boat.

You are doing your best. Please recognize all the things you do that you do well. DO not let an episode or two of losing it to distract from the magnificent job you continue to do everyday.

Newbernian

Dear Pooh Bear,

Where do I sign-up to become a member of the The Terrible Person's Club.

Sincerely,  Newbernian

jfkoc

That would be a very big club!

Pooh Bear

If he could speak, maybe, maybe I could have a better attitude towards everything.  But, in addition to being deaf (or so he says ... even though he puts on shooting range ear protection head gear when I make ANY small noise), he still puts hands to ears as if to say "Can't hear you", plus he can't speak.  Oh sure he makes "sounds", but not one single word of intelligible speech. He can't even say simple words like yes, no, thank you, good night, or good--bye.  It comes out as (for example  "there,there,there,there".  We share a home with our adult son and his child, and they can't understand him or have a conversation with him any better than I can.  So, I guess I'm trying to say that those of you who can still communicate with your LO, count that as a small (or big?) blessing.

Last week I was vacuuming the house.  He wanted to help.  How do I know this?  He took the vacuum cleaner from me.  I know he feels pretty much useless, so I let him take the vacuum cleaner and I pointed to the bathroom.  I went back to finish washing dishes in the kitchen.  Next thing I know, my son is telling me to "get Dad down off the toilet!!  He's going to fall and break his neck!!"  I went into the bathroom to find him standing on the toilet seat lid (all 220 pounds) and trying to remove the ceiling vent fan, which our son had spent 3 days in the sweltering hot attic to install, and he said it was such a bi**ch to install it, to NEVER, EVER take it out.  I told husband to get down and leave it alone.  He wouldn't.  He started his jibber-jabber.  The more I pleaded with him to get down, the louder and louder I was screaming until my granddaughter came running upstairs crying "What is going on in here??"  She told me to "stop being SO MEAN to Grandpa.

I felt terrible.  Like a Terrible Person.  But ... what am I going to do??  Let him ruin the vent fan and injure himself in the process?  

Yup ... that's just one reason I nominate myself as President of The Terrible Person's Club.

Our other adult child, who lives in a different state and hasn't seen his Dad since this disease took him over, just does NOT understand.  He tells me to give Dad "little chores" to keep his mind occupied.  Hah!  He took my car keys one day (without my knowledge) and went out to try to change the oil in my car.  When our son saw what he was doing, he was able to stop his Dad just in time before he poured oil in the RADIATOR !!  So ... NO.  No assigning little chores.

I get so frustrated.  I feel like he isn't even trying.  But I'm sure he is.  Or is he ??

LadyTexan

I would like to suggest to you folks, you are not terrible people. 

Maybe, once in a while, you do things that you wish you hadn't done. Things that make you feel terrible.

Please maintain your perspective. In my humble opinion, the following is a list of examples of terrible people:

• Hitler,
• People who kick puppies for fun,
• People who strangle kittens for sport,
• People who steal wheelchairs from cripple kids,
• People who call cripple kids cripple.
• People who steal from the elderly and disabled.

Worn out, overwhelmed caregivers that blow their stack occasionally due to the stress of a horrible terminal disease that is robbing them and their loved one of happiness ARE NOT TERRIBLE PEOPLE.

Iris L.

Pooh Bear wrote:

  So ... NO.  No assigning little chores.

I get so frustrated.  I feel like he isn't even trying.  But I'm sure he is.  Or is he ??

The idea is to offer activities at his cognitive level.  I suggest reading about Failure-Free Activities for a PWD.  He IS trying but he has impaired executive functions plus other significant deficits.  

Iris

Paris20

It takes awhile for some of us to learn that self flagellation gets us nowhere. We’re being beat up already. Why add to the misery? Yesterday, my husband said “F-U” to me in front of his aide,  only he didn’t stick to any abbreviations. He had a toddleresque temper tantrum because I told him I had our checkbook in my purse. As a retired accounting professor, he USED TO handle our finances. I’ve been doing it for two years, at the same time that I removed his car keys. He thinks he still drives and still handles our bills and investments. It’s usually not a problem unless he happens to ask me where his keys or checkbook are. I suppose losing control over those aspects of life set him off, but I know for sure he can no longer be responsible for those things. I also know that his yelling will soon disappear and he will forget everything that just transpired.

Pooh Bear

To Iris:

I looked for "Failure Free Activities" for PWD on Amazon.  No search results??

Ed1937

This might be it. I Googled "Fail free activities". Nothing else. There were several hits, but I think this link is probably it. https://www.amazon.com/Failure-Free-Activities-Alzheimers-Patient/dp/0440506050  

Iris L.

Yes that looks like it.  I found it at the library many years ago.  The term "failure-free" stuck with me.

Something my geriatrician said to me:  "Alzheimer's continues on in the background despite what you do."  Alzheimer's and the other dementias can take down more than the patient.  You cannot change the outcome but you can modify the journey.  

For you caregivers:  your LO can no longer do complex tasks.  It's hard to believe but it's true.

Iris