Just joined first post Meanness

slippednfell

My DH was diagnosed in Feb of this year with Alzheimer's.  I had been concerned about his memory for the past couple of years.  My grandmother had it and my aunt also had it so it is not a foreign concept to me.  I did lots of research on the stages, what to expect, etc.  We had already done our wills and directives three years ago, before my double mastectomy.  My DH is retired from the US Army and is rated 80% disabled so we talked to the Veterans Advocate to see what is available to us and what we need to do to get any additional benefits we didn't know about.  I would say, perhaps naively, that we are pretty prepared to get through this.

I have a huge issue.  While he was never jovial and has always been passive aggressive, he has become "mean" and argumentative.  I knew this was a possibility, but it is one that I had hoped we would've been spared.  I just don't know what the best way to handle this is.

We live at the end of a long, single lane, dirt road in a county that only got its second traffic light installed about 3 years ago.  We are very remote.  It is a 45-minute drive to get groceries.

His family is all older and have their own issues, the closest living 2 hours away.  My family is all in NY.  We are in Arkansas.  I am scooter bound so for me to get around on my own isn't really feasible.

I am open to any and all suggestions or even better, what is working for anyone in similar circumstances.

He isn't wandering (yet), he isn't forgetting who I am (yet), he is capable of feeding himself, showering, brushing his teeth, helping with small chores and taking our dogs out to go potty.

He is getting unstable on his feet and has episodes of confusion.  He doesn't want to go into assisted living, understandably so.  

What is working for you guys out there?

M1

Welcome to the forum.  I live in a rural area also, with the closest grocery store 13 miles away (45 min round trip minimum, and that's for curbside pickup).  My partner has no close family, and my two children from a previous marriage are not in much of a position to help (the one who lives close has two toddlers).  We haven't needed household help yet, but we're edging closer to that, and we could really use outdoor help (150 acre farm) but it's very hard to come by.  We have supportive neighbors, but there's only so much they can do.

If you're seeing aggression and meanness, I'd worry about how isolated you are, especially in light of your own physical limitations.  I would talk to his doctors about this sooner rather than later.  There may be medications that can take the edge off.  But I can't imagine that you're going to be able to manage in your location without additional supports.

Good luck.

Quilting brings calm

Slipped…, you will find that you are going to have to stop listening to what your husband wants and go with what he needs. If he’s unstable on his feet, and you use a scooter … being so isolated is not a good thing.  Who is taking care of the outside of the property … because it’s not going to be either of you soon.  You need to move close to family and then you need to reconsider the assisted living thing.

JJAz

When DH becomes unable to care for himself, he will qualify for VA Priority Group 4 benefits because he will be a "catastrophically disabled veteran" (regardless of war service, % of disability, etc.)  Here is a previous thread on it

https://www.alzconnected.org/discussion.aspx?g=posts&t=2147536925

Veteran's groups often don't know about this program, but your VA social worker will know.  Contact him/her soon.

slippednfell

Thank you for your reply M1.  I can totally relate to hard-to-find outdoor workers.  We have 55 acres.  It isn't a farm though, so I've got that on my side.

DH is on Zoloft and Wellbutrin for depression and anxiety.  I will bring up the meanness to his MH doctor in a couple of weeks when we do a video conference.  

If he doesn't start to wander and if something can be done about the meanness, I am confident that I can handle the rest for a while.  I may need to look into an in-home aid coming out from time to time.

I appreciate your input and will bring it up sooner than later to his doctors.  

slippednfell

JJAz wrote:

When DH becomes unable to care for himself, he will qualify for VA Priority Group 4 benefits because he will be a "catastrophically disabled veteran" (regardless of war service, % of disability, etc.)  Here is a previous thread on it

https://www.alzconnected.org/discussion.aspx?g=posts&t=2147536925

Veteran's groups often don't know about this program, but your VA social worker will know.  Contact him/her soon.

Thank you so much for this link!  I will check it out.