feeling guilty for taking a vacation

sjohnson

My mom is 91 and has dementia with psychosis.  She is in a skilled nursing facility and is finally on the right mix/dosage of medication.  She has been calm for a couple of months now.  (She was hitting, kicking, throwing things, yelling, etc.)  The staff are wonderful.  Because of COVID, I am not allowed to visit in her in her room.  I can schedule outdoor visits about once a week.  I have been doing video calls with her a few times a week.  Even though I am not caring for her daily needs, I am in charge of all her finances and I am her emotional support.  this disease is brutal.  It has been heartbreaking for me to watch her decline.  My husband and I have a camping trip planned.  I am having a hard time thinking about being farther away.  I will still have cell phone service where we are going and the staff have assured me they will call me.  but I still feel guilty for taking time for myself.  My husband has been so supportive and understanding and I have had to be away a lot.  (My mom lives about an hour and 45 minutes away.  I am the closest family member.)  We will only be gone 4 days and yet it feels like I am somehow betraying my mom.  She doesn't understand time the way she used to so she won't know if it's been an hour since she's talked to me or a week.  It is all the same to her right now.  i keep telling myself that and yet, the guilt feelings remain.  My husband has been great about it.  He said that if we need to cut the trip short, then we will just come home.  I know self care is important.  Just needed to talk it all out.  thanks.

abc123

I'm going to be blunt. 

I think you should put your husband first for a change. Since he's been so supportive, don't you think he deserves it?

Iris L.

sjohnson wrote:

 We will only be gone 4 days and yet it feels like I am somehow betraying my mom.  She doesn't understand time the way she used to so she won't know if it's been an hour since she's talked to me or a week.  It is all the same to her right now.  i keep telling myself that and yet, the guilt feelings remain.  

From your own words your mom no longer has a sense of time.  You NEED a break!  It would be a betrayal for you to run yourself ragged.  She is safe and cared for.  Enjoy your time away and put your phone down for most of that time.  

Iris

sjohnson

Thank you, Iris and abc!  That is what I needed to hear.

MimiMinder

You are such a sweet and loving daughter. I am sure your mother is so proud of the woman you have become and so appreciative of the love you have shown her through the years. I bet she would want you to go camping, spend time with your husband, and come back refreshed and invigorated. 

When my husband and I went on a camping trip earlier this summer we let the staff at my mother's facility know, but it wasn't discussed with her. It would have been too confusing and upsetting since her concept of time is vague, so we went away (had a great time kayaking on Lake Superior, seeing the stars, forgetting about caregiving for awhile...) and just showed back up a few days later without missing a beat.

I hope you, too, are able to get away with your incredibly supportive spouse for a recharge! 

~ Diana

abc123

Hi Sjohnson, I hope you are feeling better. just want you to know you are being thought of.  I hope you and your husband get to go on the camping trip and get to relax and enjoy each others company. You take care! You are a really good daughter.

Mandy6463

 I recently had my dad (has dementia, Alzheimer’s and cerebral amyloid angiopathy) and my step mom move in. My dad wasn’t getting the care he needed and his health was failing. After having had him move in, he’s adjusted well and doing much better. However, I have had to take over their finances because they were donating money to scammers that would call and ask for a donation. I feel really bad because that’s one more thing taken from them but I can’t risk them losing everything. 

My step mom is having a hard time adjusting to life In my home and she has started making me do everything, it’s like she just gave up and wants me to do everything, including things for her. She has zero support from her own children so I am doing everything. If my dad dies before her I dont think it should be my responsibility to care for her, I think one of her boys should step up on the plate. 

My husband and I have plans to go to Hawaii this Christmas for 5 days and then Greece for 10 days in April  I want to cancel because I’m afraid something will happen while I’m gone. My husband says that life is short and we shouldn’t stop living because my dad has dementia  

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated!

Mandy6463

Mandy

ladyzetta

Dear sjohnson,

Don't give it a second Thought!!! Go and enjoy yourself your Mother would want it that way. She will be fine while you are gone, get some rest and enjoy your family. Hugs Zetta 

sjohnson

Thank you all for the encouragement!  It has been a tough few weeks.  My mom's facility is currently in lockdown because of a couple of employees testing positive for COVID.  So I can't visit her.  We have been trying video calls; but my mom gets confused with those and usually will just stare at the screen and not say anything.  She has also been sleeping a lot.  We have tried regular phone calls; but each time, she is sleeping.  The facility is remodeling so they had to move mom to a different room in order to paint her old room.  They just moved her back to her old room (which is right across from the nurses station).  Any move can cause confusion for her so I think that is why she is sleeping more and not responding to my video calls.  I was hoping to be able to see her before I go on vacation; but that is not going to happen.  I am going to go camping and enjoy spending time in nature and time with my husband even though the little guilt voice is still there!  It's not as loud as it was!  Thanks.

ladyzetta

NO Guilt!    Enjoy your vacation, you can call your Mom from where ever you are at. She is not even going to know your gone.  Relax, Enjoy and have a glass of wine for me. Have Fun, Zetta

sjohnson

Ha!  I will, Zetta!  Thank you!