Grandmother wants to move back into her home

eimaj

Hello, 

My parents and I help my grandma a lot but there are reasons we do not directly live with her. My father also has early Alzheimer's and so there is a lot to juggle.

After a fall and hospital stay, my grandmother's doctor advised she live with 24 hours care. Her long term care insurance covered an assisted living facility, so she went to live in one near her home a little over a year ago. She wanted to return to her home ever since. Her insurance doesn't cover in home care so she has been trying to figure out alternate methods. 

I've liked the facility. It's not perfect but my grandma has been safe, fed, gotten a lot of exercise, and met new people. But my mom has explained to me that my grandmother is focused on wanting "to die at home."

She has a friend whose daughter says she'll live with her in exchange for paying $500 rent. My grandmother doesn't want this woman to help her with anything but to live there in case she needs someone to call for help for her.  

My grandmother has memory impairment and other issues from previous strokes, falls, and COPD. She needs to use a walker and oxygen. She gets tired very easily. She is unrealistic about how much help she needs and becomes very negative and passive aggressive when she doesn't get what she wants. She has low tolerance for things being done slower than she likes or not the way she likes.  

I'm concerned for her safely. I'm also concerned she will drive this woman crazy and she will not stay with her.  These are some of the reasons my parents and I are not comfortable with this situation. My mom is trying to help my grandmother have a rules about this situation and a backup plan just in case but my grandmother tends to resist what my mom says. (My mom worked with the elderly as an occupational therapist for years.)

If you have any advice, I'd love to hear it. Thank you!

JJ401

Your grandmother wants to move home. She has lots of company. Unless she freely chose assisted living, and even then, you’d be hard pressed to find residents of care facilities who would not rather be home. 

Reality is that grandma needs 24 hour care. Having someone live with her is not 24 hour care. It’s not a solution. And no matter how much you and your mom want to /plan to help if she moved home, you’d be setting yourselves up for burn out as there is also your dad to care for. 

You can’t stop the want to go home, but you can devise ways to deal with it. You can go home when — doctor says you are ready, as soon as the grab bars are installed in the bathroom, etc. She’s going to ask. You don’t say no. You deflect.

quartlow2

I fully agree with JJ401. You'll be developing your kind-fibbing skills. "You'll be able to go home but there's lots of work to do in your house before the doctor will let you." Then try to focus your grandma on something right around her. She likely has 3 shifts of staff giving her 24/7 care in her facility. If she went home she might have 1 person at a time 24/7. That's burnout waiting to happen and it does her no favors. Ask the doctor if there is a med that might help with the obsessiveness and anxiety?

eimaj

JJ401:

Thank you for the reply. I 100% agree with you she needs a lot of care and it is unrealistic for one person to do it. My mom is already in burn out at it is. 

I like the idea of devising ways to deflect on her wanting to go home. My parents and I can come up with some ones she might accept. As out of as she is, she is also astute and aware if you are completely making something up. She is paranoid and sensitive to people "telling her what to do" or thinking she's "stupid."

As it turns out, the woman declined wanting to live with her. My grandma sabotaged herself by giving the woman unrealistic rules. 

eimaj

Quartlow2:

Thank you also for the reply.  I agree it hurts her if someone is burned out because they can't help her as much. 

Her doctor and other people have suggested medicines to help her with her anxiety. She continues to decline medicines and says she isn't "crazy "

As it turns out, the woman declined wanting to live with her. My grandma sabotaged herself by giving the woman unrealistic rules.