Mom had a bad day!

Saya_G

My mother had a rough day, she wanted to leave. Kept talking about land that she thinks she owns and the people that she left there to work (she does not, and never has owned any 'land'). 

My sister says that mom was wandering around the house last night - sundowners I would guess.

Mom is a stubborn woman - always has been. Dementia has not improved that characteristic.

So Sis called and I went over to help. I went along with Mom as much as I could, still preventing her from leaving to walk in the Texas heat to some non-existent parcel of land, to people that don't exist.

There is a lot going on to be concerned with, that said my sister REFUSES to go along to keep the peace. When my mom says to her, 'when did that couple get here this morning?' (there was no couple). Instead of 'I don't know', or 'I don't remember' or even, 'I wasn't in the back room and didn't notice', sis point blank, in a frustrated voice, says 'there was not couple!' Sis almost always seems to feel the need to correct my mom, refusing to go along enough so that we can calm mom down or change the subject.

Am I wrong? I feel like I'm hitting my head against the wall when dealing with either one of them - I can't tell you how many times I say to my sis, 'does that really matter?'

Anyone else have this issue - any hints on how to get it thru to my sis that UNLESS going along with mom's delusions puts mom or someone in danger it does not matter! 

Help!

Saya_G

Saya_G

BTW... telling mom she is wrong only makes it worse! She becomes defensive and then steadfastly refused to calm down or to change the topic.

RochieCat

Hello,

I'm sorry your mom had a bad day. My mom also has moderate progressing to severe dementia and didn't have the best day today, either.

I have to really work hard and not react like your sister to my mom's statements that are patently false. Today she accused me of never telling her about some paperwork she found in her desk regarding the cancellation of one health insurance policy and enrolling in a new one, which we had to do since we moved from NY to NC. I tried to stick to explaining why it had to be done, but when she keeps saying things like, "you should have informed me about this," it just gets to be too much. I told her that when she was in the hospital the last week of July, I had to hurry up and pick a new insurance company in NC because the NY plan was only good until 7/31, and while there she'd told me she trusted me to choose a new company. Then she says, "I was in the hospital? Why? For how long?" uuuuggghhhhhh

Sometimes I just can't help it - I'm not a good liar or "deflector;" if something isn't correct, my default reaction is to correct it. My husband is much better at redirecting her attention and changing the subject to de-escalate a situation. When my mom was in the hospital and insisted that she'd been taken to an old barn with 250 other people and forced to stand in silence with everyone in the dark for over an hour, it was easier for me to just say, wow that must have been really scary, etc. But when it comes to stuff in real life that actually happened and she doesn't remember, it's harder.

So, I don't know if I can help at all, but maybe your sister just needs to be gently reminded that unless something is going to harm your mom, being confrontational or opposing her "memories" really has no benefit. I'm still learning that myself.

Good luck!!

Saya_G

RochieCat,

Thanks for your reply, your insight was very helpful. I do a lot of the behind the scenes work for both of them (medical, financial, etc.), sis is with her 24/7 - we probably come from different places when it comes to our level of frustration. 

I hope my mom sleeps tonight, that might help!

Saya

harshedbuzz

Saya_G wrote:

I do a lot of the behind the scenes work for both of them (medical, financial, etc.), sis is with her 24/7 - we probably come from different places when it comes to our level of frustration. 

That may be the understatement of the century. She sounds dangerously burnt-out. You could offer to swap pleases for a couple days- you move in with mom while sis camps out at your place. Or it might be time to talk about whether the current arrangement is sustainable.

I hope my mom sleeps tonight, that might help!

I hope she did, too. 

Saya

sjohnson

Saya,

     I hope your mom got some sleep!  You are right to go along with whatever your mom says.  Trying to correct her or asking her if she remembers anything only makes her more frustrated and scared.  My mom has dementia and live in a skilled nursing facility.  When I talk to her, she often says things about her childhood home as if she still lives there or as if the house is still in the family.  

     I have worked with young children for a long time (ages 4 and under) and it is like talking with them.  With children, I still am respectful; but they have a different understanding of their world.  As we all get older, sometimes our minds kind of go back to that way of looking at things and understanding.  It can be heart breaking.  but it does help me in dealing with my mom.  I try not to show any emotion and say things like "Oh, right" or "That would be hard" or "That would be frustrating" or "you had many good times in that house".  Sometimes, I think LO with dementia just want to know that they are listened to and heard.  They don't have much that they can control in their lives.

    i do agree that it sounds like your sister might be burnt out.  it is exhausting to do 24 hour care.  Is there any way to hire a part time in home caregiver for a few hours?  

      

Saya_G

HarshedBuzz,

I agree that my sister maybe be burnt out. I am not in the position to give her the respite that she may need. More than I'd like to go into here, but I have other responsibilities and another LO whose issues keep me from doing as you suggest. Besides having a hubby with his own health issues.

Ultimately I think it maybe time for MC, but my sister doesn't want that - sometimes she sounds like she is ready, but then pulls back. As for my mom, her fear and hate of ever going to a MC, or any form of retirement community, is so engrained that even if she is talking crazy, if a hospital or facility even comes to mind she strongly insists that she will NEVER go to one. 

Nothing is easy with dementia.

Thanks,

Saya

Saya_G

SJohnson,

Both my mom and sis have always been hard headed ladies. It's their way, or you're wrong. Doesn't make this easy. I think that personality trait doesn't help sis with just going long with mom until what ever delusion she is experiencing passes.

I agree that sis is burnt out. I reached out to hospice hoping that sis would get a break, seems that they help most with the things I do, rather than what sis does. Once we get mom settled in with hospice (just started two weeks ago), we are hoping to hire someone for respite care for sis. I've already talked with the hospice people about that, they have a list of folks that they recommend.

Thanks,

Saya_G

Cynbar

Saya, hospice offers a 5 day respite benefit, you might want to ask them about that. A 5 day break would probably do your sister a world of good, and you wouldn't have to rearrange your life to provide the care. I know you have said your mother is dead set against going into a facility, but you can probably think up something to talk her into a 5 day stay, and I'm sure other posters here will have suggestions. Look at it as a way to keep her at home longer, by giving your sister the break she needs to continue caregiving.