Is this a good idea?

Ed1937

My wife is getting more in the "no" camp. There are things that simply have to be done, and sometimes she absolutely refuses to co-operate. When these times happen, I call our daughter, who has had unbelievable success talking her into doing what must be done. But my wife is getting to the point where even our daughter is having a hard time being successful, although she eventually is. But it might take up to 1/2 hour to convince her.

One of the things she has said is "If you want to stay in your own home, sleep in your own bed, and pet your own dog, you have to co-operate". Her mother usually says she doesn't care if she goes into a nursing home, she's not going to (whatever it is). But she ends up being co-operative. I wasn't sure if this was a good thing to say, but she has had success with everything she tried. Can't argue with success. Whatever works.

One of my problems is that I still occasionally have problems with my blood sugar, which I really need to take care of if I feel symptoms coming on. But if I get stressed out, I have symptoms just like I have when my sugar falls, so I don't know if my sugar is low, or if it's stress. I'm taking a chance if I stay in the bathroom with her when I'm having symptoms like that. But I can't just walk out, and leave her alone when she has feces all over her hands, and legs. Whatever it takes, I have to get her cleaned up before I can leave, which is taking longer than it should.

But I might possibly have a solution. I'm pretty sure I can have one of the local policemen come to the house (when there is no problem), and he can tell her that he got a call from the nursing home. If she doesn't co-operate, he'll have no choice but to take her there.  I'm not going to put her there, but I need to know if this is a good idea or not. I am 100% sure she won't forget that anytime soon. Sorry to be so long.

LadyTexan

That's a hard call. A strategy like that definitely would NOT work for my husband. My DH would likely become defiant. It might stir him up enough to make him run away. I am confident that your wife doesn't have the same temperament as my husband.

If my dad tried a similar strategy with my mom, who has MCI, my mom might become more compliant. But it depends on her ability to comprehend the consequences and remember to follow his instructions. I str0ngly suspect my Mom would become upset and cry.

I am concerned about your stress level Ed. You are so important to me. You are very special to so many people. Do what you need to do to take care of your health PLEASE.

Rescue mom

That so foreign to my experience with DH and other family. In my experience, they lost the ability to understand or remember consequences, long before they lost toileting abilities. Threatening them with *anything* had no effect because they did not understand the “step 2” or “if you do (whatever) then (something bad) will happen”. 

Santa Claus and baby uno could come to the door and it would not matter 3 minutes later, if recognized at all.

Actually, it might have worked a couple times with DH, but it had to be in that very moment. If anything else was said or done in between, he did not understand or remember the connection so such threats were useless. Or, he may not have understood it even then, but somehow decided to go along. Whatever. It was rare.

Anyway, at this point, I’d say if you think the cop tactic will work then try it. 

As has been said, dementia patients are so alike, and yet so different.

loveskitties

Dear Ed,

One of the things I would be concerned about is making the police the "bad guy".

If something were to happen that the police should need to help her, she might be afraid of them and resist their help.

Is there any luck with making cooperation equal a treat instead of a threat?  Perhaps a food she really likes, a walk outside, or something which could get her to cooperate.

Is there any way to gain a better control over the bathroom issues?  I am sure you have tried many options.  If the problem is dirty depends which then gets over everything when you try to change them, perhaps changing to the type of product that has tabs instead...sorta like baby diapers.  With those you could even have her lay down on to change them.

Your health is vital to her well being so I understand how difficult this is.

Wishing you and your DW the best in finding workable solution.

jfkoc

I agree "whatever works". Please have your phone with you in the bathroom so  you can call for help.

60 falcon

I'm in agreement with whatever works, but, putting it on a cop just doesn't seem like the right thing to me. I kind of doubt they'd do that anyway, unless the Officer is a personal friend.? Maybe you can talk ahead of time with one of the PD's supervisors? That may clear the way for if/when an Officer comes by to help you out, just a thought.

Can you keep some "spare" meds or testing supplies in the bathroom for when you feel the symptoms coming on?  I know nothing about that, so again, just a thought.

abc123

Ed, believe it or not but I had to tell my mom last night that if she wouldn't help me to help her, she would have to go to a skilled nursing home. She changed her tune from NO to okay. And she stood up for me. I am glad you have shared your idea about the policeman because I think this would also help me with my mom. 

As Lady Texan said, please take care of yourself! You are very important to many of us here and we care about you.

Ed1937

Thank you very much for the replies. I know there are many people who this wouldn't stand a chance with. But it might with others?? 

I did have to call the police about a year ago, when in a fit of rage, she decided to leave. I just let her go, then called the police. She was home within about ten minutes. That interaction did not produce any ill effects at all. The cop came in the house, and made a copy of one her pictures for their database. It went well.

We moved to this town in 1961, and I've always had a good relationship with the police department. I'm pretty sure they would do that if I asked.

Offering incentives has not worked at all with her. She'll just say something like "You're not pulling that on me". It's like she is too much "with it" when you consider some of the things she does.

I always carry glucose tabs in my pocket, if needed. I can also put a test kit in my pocket before I go in the bathroom. Good idea. At least I'll know if it is stress or a sugar problem.

A possible problem between her and the police is not a concern. My only concern would be what it might possibly do with her trusting our daughter or me.

Lady, if she became upset and cried, I'd take that if it will keep her home.

Again, thanks for taking the time to reply. 

Quilting brings calm

Ed- regarding your blood sugar,  my spouse is  a type 2 diabetic. He takes multiple pills and uses a bedtime pen/pen needle.  He’s been on the Dexcom 6 monitoring system for several months.   You change the sensor every 10 days, the transmitter every 90 days.  The readings are sent to your smartphone every 5 minutes.  It allows you to always know your level and no sticking your fingers

The sensor is easily attached  to your body. I do his, but I’m sure you could do your own. It’s secure  through baths, showers , etc.  The part  that sticks in your body isn’t any longer/ bigger around  than the pen needle.  

  

harshedbuzz

Mayor Ed-

Ugh. I am so sorry that you are struggling with this. 

I know you are the mayor and such, but I think this is a terrible idea for all of the same reasons it would be to threaten an unruly preschooler with police intervention. I would hope no LEO in your community would agree to play along.

That said, when dad was in skilled rehab after the hospitalization for a psychotic episode and subsequent dementia diagnosis he participated in a care/discharge meeting. IV Thiamine supplementation and abstinence had returned his cognition to about stage 4 mixed dementia and he was ornery. He demanded to know what the DON would do if he just walked out the door AMA and she said something about having to involve the Area Agency on Aging. This was the infamous meeting in which he stood up, banged on the conference table and demanded to know "by whose authority am I incarcerated in this place?" to give you a sense of his mood. 

He asked what they did and she explained they kept seniors safe. Dad's take away was that APS were "the old people police" charged with keeping them all in line. He was truly terrified at the notion and it stuck with him for quite a while. My mother once tried to leverage them to encourage compliance around medication or hygiene- she was not successful.

I wonder if a visit to a geripsych for some low dose medication might help your wife be less anxious and easy to care for. My dad was able to be home much longer with medication on board but even that time came with a cost to my mom's health. It was frustrating, but a big part of the reason dad went into memory care was that he would cooperate to a degree that allowed my mother to properly care for him- he wouldn't take necessary medications, wouldn't eat food she prepared, refused to be cleaned up. He got much better care in the MCF where he allowed the professionals there to do all of the things he wouldn't do for my mom. He ate, was showered, shaved, and took his medications for them.

As for your blood sugar, can you carry a roll of glucose tabs in your pocket?

Ed1937

Quilting, thank you for the information. I am not a diabetic. I have hypo glycemia. If I'm not really careful about eating enough carbs, or I don't eat often enough, my blood sugar will drop below normal. I try to watch myself, but there are times, especially when attending to my wife for a period of time, or I just forget to eat because I'm busy, that my sugar drops below normal. I drink a lot of orange juice. So I'm not sure if Medicare will cover it, but it's sure worth checking out. Thanks again.

Ed1937

HB, thank you for sharing that story. I guess my idea wasn't such a good one. The reason I wanted to run it past others was to get input like you provided. Back to the drawing board. BTW, I always carry glucose tabs with me. I did have to use them once when I felt the symptoms coming on while driving. I also carry a test kit if I'm going more than a few blocks from home. I just pulled over, and not long after, I was back on the road. Thanks again.

DrinaJGB

The best thing to eat for one who has hypoglycemia are complex carbs. They do not raise your sugar quickly only to slam you back down with a sugar drop.

 Try having snacks around for your diet such as peanut butter,oatmeal bars and oatmeal, 100% whole grain breads, crackers,bagels and rolls, vegetables, beans and peas. They keep your sugar more stable over a longer period of time.

 Orange juice raises it quickly---if you are really crashing fast---but will drop you quickly as well--like riding a roller coaster. Try keeping some healthy grain crackers around with a little peanut butter on them so you can grab something fast that will set you on a more even keel;steady as she goes. Good luck!

Ed1937

Drina, thanks for the post. When I drink OJ, I try to have some complex carbs along with it unless my sugar really dumped, which is rarely a problem now that I've learned more about what and when to eat. It really makes a difference.

DrinaJGB

I know how easy it is to neglect oneself being a 24/7 caregiver, but try to put the oxygen mask on yourself first if you can Take care!!

Iris L.

Ed, the fact that you would bring up such an idea tells me that you are overwhelmed.  You need a break.  What do you think?  

Iris

Ed1937

Not really, Iris. Thanks for your concern. It's not like this happens all the time. I just had an especially rough day. If I need a break, I can call one of our kids to get away for an hour or two. Or even more if needed. I'm one of the few lucky ones here.

markus8174

ED,  I have only one thing to consider.  A nursing home isn't a punishment but a necessary step many of our loved ones are going to have to face as the disease progresses. I doubt it will make much differece but I fear you will establish such a negative mind set about nursing home(MC and LTC) that, when it is no longer possible to care for your wife in the home, she will have a horrible time adapting to the facillity. I brought up nursing home care occasionally with my wife with a sad but necessary tone. "Darling, you are getting so sick we are going to have to look for a nursing home soon to help you get better. I promise I will see you and love you as much as ever." What comes to mind is when parents used to threaten a child with "If  you don't eat your vegatables you'll get sick and the doctor will have to give you a shot!"  Still, I agree, whatever works for necessary ADLs. My beloved became resistant to changing or even wearing her incontinance protection, refused to bathe, even a freshen up washcloth bath, would sit in the car for hours waiting for me to "Take me home!"... Infections, and the distruction of our furnature eventually forced me to place her. I would buy new furniture every week if I could have her home with me but UTIs, and skin breakdown were destroying her quality of life.

Ed1937

Markus, thanks for the post. I remember when you were having such a hard time deciding that it was time for you. And of course you're right in everything you said. I hope you are doing well.