Conflicted(1)

VeeM

My mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s about 7 years ago. At the beginning my sister did most of the caring although she was fairly independent. As the disease progressed and it became too much for my sister I stepped in to help. I switched jobs where I can partially work from home. At some points the roles switched and I became the main caregiver ( I live with my parents and I’m not married). My dad continued to work however, a year ago he retired and I felt relieved that we would have more help. He has some health issues himself but mostly, he does not have the patience to care for mom so my relief was short lived. Over the past year caring has become more challenging and someone needs to be with her most of the time. She has moments where she has become aggressive and has wandered out of the house a few times. We have made modifications to keep the house locked and as long as she is treated well and kept occupied, she is calm. I continue to be the main caretaker and have been feeling burned out because of her higher need and lack of help. I recently worked up the nerve to talk to my siblings (I have 2 brothers as well) about the situation and to ask for help. Brother #1 and dad want to place mom in a nursing home but in Mexico (where my parents are from) because it is too expensive to find placement here. I have a hard time with this, not one of us lives there. We would be thousand of miles away in another country. My brother said it’s not like we cannot visit but realistically it would be 1-2 times per year. I feel like it would crush my mom to go through that change. I am not against placement but I’m just not there yet. Now I feel like I am forcing my dad to do something he does not want, care for mom. And although my brother does not agree with keeping her at home, he has agreed to help (well my SIL would help). Although I said yes I also feel weird about receiving help when this is not what he wants. I have been exploring my own feelings and thinking about this, wondering if I am making the right decision, but then I look at my mom and my heart cannot handle the idea of sending her there. If it was here, at least I could visit often and make sure she is ok. I feel lost, confused, alone, and sad that they feel this is the best solution.

aod326

Hi Vee. It's a horrible situation to be in, and good for you for stepping up as you have done. A couple of comments. You've said you're forcing your dad to do something "he doesn't want". To say the obvious, none of us want it, including you! So that's a consideration to remove from the equation. Ditto in accepting help from your brother because it's "not what he wants".  What about your other brother and your sister - what do they think?

It sounds like your father and brother are unlikely to change their minds, so the decision is yours in terms of what you accept. Neither option is a pleasant or easy one, and really it depends on what you think would make you feel worse. If you think placing her in MC in Mexico would be too difficult to live with (which I can totally imagine it could be), then you have to accept that, given your current experience, you may well be left holding the bag in terms of your mum's care. That will be physically and mentally draining and will almost certainly require you to give up your job at some point, because she'll need a higher and higher level of care.  That may put you in a tough financial position, not just with lack of salary (and health insurance for yourself), but in terms of not being able to contribute to your retirement fund.  Also, what about your father's health issues - will you be expected to support him too?

Sadly both options are likely to lead to strain between the family members. 

You're the only one who can decide, based on what feels right. Either way is going to be a tough choice - I'm sorry you have to deal with that. Good luck.

SparkleMonster

Vee, my heart goes out to you, this is such a hard decision. I would suggest looking to bring some care in to the house. This will give you and your father a break. Look into local resources, it could be with your church, visiting angels, home care worker etc. Reach out to her primary care Dr for suggestions. I would very nervous as well moving her out of the country for care. Make sure you look into all of your options locally. Medicare/Medicaid might pay for some home care? Making sure your mom is safe is the biggest priority and right up there is taking care of yourself. Caregiver burn out is a real issue and you don't want to create more health issues for yourself due to stress and exhaustion. I know this is easier to say then do, but please try.