Its hot vent but any help

Chammer

DH isn't diagnosed with MCI or any type of dementia as of right now so I don't post here often.  He is an active alcoholic, uncontrolled diabetic, and his mom passed away from Alzheimer's - the dementia trifecta.  He has much going on that I feel is the beginning of some type of dementia.  With that being said...he has always been "high stress" (anxiety) and had very volatile moods.  Anymore though it is like his "stress" (anxiety) and volatility are on steroids!  

Last night he came home, inebriated, and said "its hot in here"  I happened to be standing in our closet and said "its definitely hot in the closet"  He went off saying how I always argue and went into a fury.  This is pretty normal behavior lately - whether I agree, disagree or don't say anything.  It has gotten very very silent at our home because I don't want to say something that starts an argument. If I say, "you could be right" or "that's a possibility" or something along those lines he gets mad because "you are just protecting me."   Once he is mad, he is mad until he needs something, then he is good ... until I say something... LOL it is almost funny except it isn't.

Thanks for "listening!"

Stuck in the middle

I don't see anything funny about walking on eggs in your own home.  Why do you live with this man?

Chammer

Walking on eggshells isn't my favorite thing and if I didn't laugh about it I would be getting a visit from the folks in white coats! While DH personality has always been challenging, it has become worse, but also different.  He has lost his sense of humor, is persistently negative, angry, and has become dependent on me in ways that are new for him.  Says he struggles with numbers - he was always good with numbers - is a general contractor and could put a complicated estimate together in his head. Our kids see changes in his mental well-being as well. These along with other things are what make me believe that he possibly has dementia.  It hasn't always been bad.

DH and I have been married for 30 years and I guess I could just walk away, but that isn't my personality.  I am involved in a 12 step program for families of alcoholics so I have support for that.  My MIL passed away from Alzheimers in 2016 and if you didn't know she had dementia, until almost the very end, you wouldn't have known she had dementia.  But wow, her challenging personality traits became extreme early on.  I was one of her primary caregivers, so I know the challenges ahead.  

I guess I was just hoping someone has figured out ways to defuse some of these situations and could offer suggestions.

joytoy

I am caring for a boyfriend who was an alcoholic when all this started 4 yrs. ago.  luckily he doesnt drink much anymore.  He realized early on I was going to leave if he didnt stop drinking and yelling at me.  He knows he has dementia and is scared to death I will leave him when it gets bad.  He has kids but no help there.  If he has dementia you both need to find that out immediatly so maybe he too will calm down with his drinking and treating you so badly.  And of course your not going to just walk away.  I couldnt do it and believe me  there are times i want to.

LadyTexan

Chammer - 

Your post brought up a lot of memories for me. DH was drinking abusively when his symptoms started in 2016. I did not know he had dementia. I thought his impairment was due to the heavy drinking.

The alcoholic drinking continued and the dementia was difficult to diagnose because of the drinking. The drinking created so much chaos, anger and resentment on both of our parts. I considered divorce, the police came to our apartment on more than one occasion, DH ended up in jail. It was miserable.

DH was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's Disease in February 2019. During an extremely awful drunken episode in May 2019, DH ended up in the psych hospital. Again, I considered divorce. 

By the grace of God, DH has not had a drink in over a year. His abstinence from alcohol has made a difference for the better. I am an alcoholic in recovery. I cannot imagine travelling the chaotic, unpredictable, miserable dementia journey if either of us were still drinking. 

I hope that you will pursue a diagnosis for your DH. You don't need to stay in an abusive relationship, unless you want to. I wish you well. I encourage you to take care of yourself. 

ElaineD

Dear Chammer,

My DH isn't officially diagnosed, but is surely in the MCI (Mild Cognitive Impairment) stage.

Although my two adult sons begin telling me 6 years ago that DH was 'losing it', what I DID experience was a terrible increase of his worst personality traits.  He was angry, sarcastic, mean, argumentative, and he lost all empathy for me.

I began seriously contemplating leaving him, and both my sons encouraged me to go.  However I was becoming more and more disabled, so it was hard to think of going through a divorce.  I was 74 and we had already been married 54 years by that time.

Here's the good news in my story.  2.5 years ago he suddenly changed.  And he has become increasingly calm, supportive, and he is easier to live with than he has ever been!

I am completely disabled now.  I can walk, with difficulty, with a walker.  He helps me shower, takes me to our community indoor pool and helps me use the 'lift' to get into the pool.  

He doesn't argue, he is no longer angry.  He isn't an alcoholic.  I can't imagine that trial, Chammer.  

The terrible personality change is one sign along the way.  Others include apathy, loss of empathy, loss of social filter (saying/sharing inappropriately in public), loss of executive function (planning and carrying out multi-stage activities), and of course memory and related function problems.

My DH has shown all these signs.  His memory continues to be a problem, and he absolutely relies on me to provide all the support and reminders he needs to lead an active and engaged life here in our Retirement Community. 

He has lost memory of our trips in the last 10 years (Ireland, Italy, Germany).  So I have a foretaste of the loss of the memories of the person who shared almost 60 years of my life.

Because I am so disabled, I will not be able to be the caretaker for my DH.  Our community (we live in Independent Living) has Assisted Living and Memory Care facilities.  Once he needs an caretaking, we will BOTH move into AL, I guess.   So I'm fortunate that part of decision making is taken care of.

My heart goes out to you, Chammer.  You are in the right place for support and information.

Take care of yourself.

ElaineD