anger when asked for opinion

rockfarmerswife

Don't know if this is common, but it seems to be more frequent with DH.  Tonight, I asked him about having my parents over for a meal on Labor Day.  He said "sure". When I asked whether he would prefer lunch or dinner meal, he became very angry and said "why do I have to make all the decisions?" and withdrew from me (usually turns his back toward me and faces the wall in his bed.  Anyone else with this problem?

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Cynbar

Ditto what Victoria said. People with dementia get stressed out easily when asked to make decisions, and they lash out. The rules are changing, you can no longer include your DH in everyday decisions and planning. He is showing you by his reaction that it is upsetting for him. Wherever possible, set up the plan with no discussion and just tell him calmly "My parents will be here for dinner at 6." The less frustration he has to face, the calmer your household will feel.

JJ401

His decision making days are over. You have to resign yourself to making the best decision you can without consulting him. It’s hard to do when you have made decisions together for many years, but there is no way he is going to be able to make a decision.

I’d make my decision based upon what time of day he’d function best. My DH would do better at lunch, but yours might do better at dinner. 

French

I am not surprised. My partner wouldn't get angry, but he is unable to consider 2 solutions, even simple. The answer is always "as you want", "I don't mind..."

Rescue mom

I think it’s very common. My experience was, learning quick (and painfully) that “big” decisions—like money, home repairs, events—were beyond my DH with Alzheimer’s. What was harder for me, was realizing he could not even deal with a personal preference choice.

  Like being asked, “would you rather have chocolate or vanilla?” Or, “would you rather watch sports (he used to love) or (old favorite) movie?”  “Do you want a sweater, or your jacket?” No, he just could not answer even those kinds of decisions.

 Usually he’d just walk away. Sometimes he got angry. The worst was when he’d respond  “what am i supposed to say.”  I learned, no choices—what Cynbar and other said—even though it seemed so simple to me, and I wanted what he wanted. 

Now you have to be the decider, and just tell him what’s happening. Its a really hard thing to learn, at least for me. 

I learned much much later this—the inability to make decisions—was a huge problem at his work, very early, well before he had a Dx or showed many other symptoms. But that’s another story…

jfkoc

It does get lonely....all of the little conversations disappear.......

Rescue mom

Yes 1000 times to jfroc…

DrinaJGB

I think it is the loss of having that special someone to talk to daily, even more than the loss of intimacy, that is the most painful and hardest to accept.

   Nobody has you back any longer, and nobody "gets" you anymore.

Your "person" has left you.

Doby

I definitely agree with DrinaJGB. My husband no longer "gets" me and his communication skills have seriously deteriorated. I didn't realize until recently how much I miss being able to have an intelligent conversation with my DH. He struggles to speak, has trouble finding the right words, and I struggle to understand what he's saying. It seems like the only things "we" talk about are the stock market (his obsession) and his various ailments. It's really just him rambling on and on and me trying to understand what he's saying without ripping my hair out!

Iris L.

rockfarmerswife wrote:

.  Anyone else with this problem?

Speaking from the other side as a patient, I can say YES.  Decisions are a problem.  The others are right.  

Iris

Buggsroo

My husband does not converse anymore.

He asks where is his dinner, lunch etc. 

When I am working, he acts up. He wanted to go shopping but I had to work today so the shopping was to happen tomorrow. He kicked up such a fuss, I made him a tray of Rice Krispie squares. That worked for awhile, then the fuss started up again. I took a break and went to the store and got him his groceries. Luckily the store is just down the street. 

I feel quite lonely being at the beck and call of a tyrannical dementia sufferer. 

I really feel it keenly, phoned my mom in tears last night, she was amazing. I felt bad, she is 88 and I am dreading losing her.

David J

I stopped asking anything but yes/no questions over a year ago. Now, even those are difficult for her. She gets the meanings of yes and no confused, saying no when she means yes. No conversation at all.

DrinaJGB

I used to be able to talk to my father the first 4 years of this, but now he is gone and that is so hard because he was always willing to help. I would drive down to see him as he had heart problems develop after we lost my brother suddenly.

 We were able to comfort one anther and even have some fun together. He had a little flower bed at his front door and one thing we liked to do together was go to the nursery and pick out colorful flowers to plant in his bed. It was a way for us to forget about our losses and pain and grief for at least a morning or an afternoon. I miss that so much, and I miss the husband I used to be able to say anything to.

I am reminded of a line in a song from way back called "My Darling Be Home Soon" by Loving Spoonful---that said "for the great relief of having you to talk to". Exactly.